Nights With The Caucusers


Office-Seeking has become a legitimatized branch of our every-day

business, as much so as in former times "reduced gentlemen" took to

keeping school or posting books. In former times, men took to politics

to give zest to a life already replete with pecuniary indulgences, as

those in the "sere and yellow leaf" are wont to take to religion as a

solacing comfort against things that are past, and pave the way to a

very des
rable futurity. But now, politicians are of no peculiar class

or condition of citizens; the success of a champion depends not so much

upon the matter, as upon the manner, not upon the capital he may have in

real estate, bank funds or public stocks, but upon the fundamental

principle of "confidence," gutta percha lungs and unmistakable amplitude

of--brass and bravado! If any man doubts the fact, let him look around

him, and calculate the matter. Why is it that lawyers are so

particularly felicitous in running for, securing, and usurping most of

all the important or profitable offices under government? Lungs--gutta

percha lungs and everlasting impudence, does it. A man might as well try

to bail out the Mississippi with a tea-spoon, or shoot shad with a

fence-rail, as to hope for a seat in Congress, merely upon the

possession of patriotic principles, or double-concentrated and refined

integrity. Why, if George Washington was a Virginia farmer to-day, his

chance for the Presidency wouldn't be a circumstance to that of Rufus

Choate's, while there is hardly a lawyer attached to the Philadelphia

bar that would not beat the old gentleman out of his top boots in

running for the Senate! But we'll cut "wise saws" for a modern

instance; let us attend a small "caucus" where incipient Demostheneses,

Ciceros, and Mark Antonies most do congregate, and see things "workin'."

It is night, a ward meeting of the unterrified, meat-axe,

non-intervention--hats off--hit him again--butt-enders, have called a

meeting to caucus for the coming fall contest. "Owing to the

inclemency of the weather," and other causes too tedious to mention, of

some eight hundred of the unterrified, non-intervention--Cuban

annexation--Wilmot proviso, compromise, meat-axe, hats off--hit him

again--butt-enders--only eighty attend the call. Of these eighty

faithful, some forty odd are on the wing for office; one at least wants

to work his way up to the gubernatorial chair, five to the Senate, ten

to the "Assembly," fifteen to the mayoralty, and the balance to the

custom house.



Now, before the "curtain rises," little knots of the anxious multitude

are seen here and there about the corners of the adjacent neighborhood

and in the recesses of the caucus chamber, their heads

together--caucusing on a small scale.



"Flambang, who'd you think of puttin' up to-night for the Senate, in

our ward?" asks a cadaverous, but earnest unterrified, of a brother in

the same cause.



"Well, I swan, I don't know; what do you think of Jenkins?"



"Jenkins?" leisurely responded the first speaker; "Jenkins is a pooty

good sort of a man, but he ain't known; made himself rather unpop'ler by

votin' agin that grand junction railroad to the north pole bill, afore

the Legislature, three years ago; besides he's served two years in the

Legislature, and been in the custom house two years; talks of going to

California or somewhere else, next spring--so I-a, I-a--don't think much

of Jenkins, anyhow!"



"Well, then," says Flambang, "there's Dr. Rhubarb; what do you think of

him? He's a sound unterrified, good man."



"A--ye-e-e-s, the doctor's pooty good sort of a man, but I don't think

its good policy to run doctors for office. If they are defeated it sours

their minds equal to cream of tartar; it spiles their practice, and

'tween you and I, Flambang, if they takes a spite at a man that didn't

vote for 'em, and he gets sick, they're called in; how easy it is for

'em to poison us!"



"Good gracious!--you don't say so?"



"I don't say, of course I don't say so of Dr. Rhubarb. I only supposed

a case," replied the wily caucuser.



"A case? Yes-s-s; a feller would be a case, under them circumstances.

I'm down on doctors, then, Twist; but what do you say to Blowpipes? He's

one of our best speakers--"



"Gas!" pointedly responded Twist.



"Gas? Well, you voted for him last year, when he run for Congress; you

were the first man to nominate him, too!"



"So I was, and I voted for him, drummed for him, fifed and blowed; that

was no reason for my thinking him the best man we had for the office.

He's a demagogue, an ambitious, sly, selfish feller, as we could skeer

up; but, he was in our way, we couldn't get shut of him; I proposed the

nomination, and tried to elect him, so that we should get him out of the

way of our local affairs, and more deserving and less pretendin' men

could get a chance, don't you see? Now, Flambang, you're the man I'm

goin' in for to-night!"



"Me! Mr. Twist? Why, bless your soul, I don't want office!"



"Come, now, don't be modest. I'll lay the ground-work, you'll be

nominated--I'll not be known in it--you'll get the nomination--called

out for a speech--so be on the trigger--give 'em a rouser, and you're

in!"



Poor Flambang, a modest, retiring man, peaceable proprietor of a small

shop, in which, by the force of prudence and economy, he has laid up

something, has a voice among his fellow-citizens and some influence, but

would as soon attempt to carry a blazing pine knot into a powder

magazine, or "ship" for a missionary to the Tongo Islands, as to run for

the Legislature and make a speech in public! Twist knows it; he

guesses shrewdly at the effect.



"Why don't you run?" says Flambang, after many efforts to get his

breath.



"Me? Well, if you don't want to run."



"Run? I would as soon think of jumping over the moon, as running for

office!" answers Flambang. "But I thank you, thank you kindly, for

your good intentions, for your confidence(!), Twist, and whatever good

I can do for you, I'll do, and--"



Twist having secured the first step to his plot, enters the caucus

chamber in deep and earnest consultation with Flambang, and while

preparations are being made to "histe the rag," he is seen making

converts to his sly purposes, upon the same principle by which he

converted his modest friend, Flambang.



"Who are you going in for to-night?" asks another "ambitious for

distinction" unterrified of "a brother."



"Well, I don't know; it's hard to tell; good many wants to be nominated,

and good many more than will be," was the cogent reply.



"That's a fact!" was the equally clear response. "But 'tween you and I,

Pepper--I'd like to get the nomination for the Senate myself!"



"No-o-o?"



"Yes, sir; why shouldn't I? Hain't I stood by the party?"



"Well, and hain't I stood by it, hung by it, fastened to it?"



"Pepper, you have; so have I; now, I'll tell you what I'll do. You hang

by me, for the Senate, and I'll go in for you for the House."



"Agreed; hang by 'em, give 'em a blast, first opening, and while you are

fifing away for me, I'll go around for you, Captain Johns."



"Flammer, you going to go in for Smithers, to-night?" asks another of

"the party," of a confederate.



"Smithers? I don't know about that; I don't think he's the right kind of

a man for mayor, any how; do you?"



"Well, you know he's an almighty peart chap in talkin', and I guess

he'll be elected, if he's nominated and goes around speaking; but here

he is; let's feel his pulse." After a confab of some minutes between

Flammer, Smithers, and Skyblue, things seem to be fixed to mutual

satisfaction, and something is "dropped" about "go in for me for the

Mayoralty, I'll go in for you for the Senate," etc.



"Don't let on, that I'm anxious, at all, you know," says Smithers, to

which the two allies Skyblue and Flammer respond--"O, of course not!"



Now the curtain rises, the meeting's organized, with as much formality,

fuss and fungus as the opening of the House of Parliament; soon is heard

the work of balloting for nominations, and soon it is known that Twist

is the man for the Senate--this calls Twist out; he spreads--feels

overpowered--this unexpected (!) event--attending as a spectator, not

anticipating any thing for himself--proud of the unexpected honor--had

long served as a private in the ranks of the unterrified--die in the

front of battle, if his friends thought proper, etc., etc. And Twist

falls back, mid great applause of the multitude, to give way to Capt.

Johns, who also felt overpowered by the unexpected rush of honor put

upon him, in connecting his name with the senatorial ticket. He was

proud of being thought capable of serving his country, etc., etc.; gave

his friend Pepper "a first-rate notice." Pepper was nominated, made a

speech, and so highly piled up the agony in favor of Smithers, that

Smithers was nominated--made a speech in favor of Skyblue and Flammer,

upon the force of which both were nominated--the wheel within a wheel

worked elegant; and the organs next day were sublimely eloquent upon the

result of the grand caucus--candidates--unanimity--etc., etc., of these

subterranean politicians. So are our great men manufactured for the

public.



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