Presence Of Mind
Mr. Davenport--the "Ned Davenport" of the Bowery boys--before sailing
for Europe and while attached to the Bowery Theatre, was of the lean and
hungry kind. In fact he was extremely lean--tall as a may-pole, and
slender enough to crawl through a greased fleute,--to use a yankeeism.
Somebody "up" for Shylock one night, at the Bowery, was suddenly
"indisposed" or, in the strongest probability, quite stupefied from the
effect of the deadly poisons retailed in the numerous groggeries that
really swarm near the Gotham play-houses. Well, Mr. Davenport--a
gentleman who has reached a most honorable position in his profession by
sobriety and talent--was substituted for the indisposed Shylock, and
the play went on.
In the trial scene, Mr. Davenport really "took down the house" by his
vehemence, and his ferocious, lean, and hungry aspirations for the pound
of flesh! One of the b'hoys, so identical with the B'ow'ry pit, got
quite worked up; he twisted and squirmed, he chewed his cud, he stroked
his "soap-lock," but, finally, wrought up to great presence of
mind,--our lean Shylock still calling for his pound of flesh,--roars
out;--
"S'ay, look a' here,--why don't you give skinny de meat, don't you see
he wants it, sa-a-a-y!"
We very naturally infer that "the piece" went off with a rush!
More
-
If It Ain't Right I'll Make It All Right In The Morning!
A keen, genteely dressed, gentlemanly man "put up" at Beltzhoover's Hotel, in Baltimore, one day some years ago, and after dining very sumptuously every day, drinking his Otard, Margieux and Heidsic, and smoking his "Tras," "Byrons," and "Cassador... Incidents In A Fortune-hunter's Life
We do not now recollect what philosopher it was who said, "it's no disgrace to be poor, but it's often confoundedly unhandy!" But, we have little or no sympathy for poor folks, who, ashamed of their poverty, make as many and tortuous writhings to ... Infirmities Of Nature
Some folks are easily glorified. We once knew a man who became so elated because he was elected first sergeant in the militia, that he went home and put a silver plate on his door. Ollapod, in speaking of this kind of people, makes mention of one ... Jake Hinkle's Failings
In the village of Washington, Fayette Co., Ohio, there was a transient sort of a personage, a kind of floating farmer, named Hinkle,--Jacob Hinkle,--commonly called Old Jake Hinkle. Jake was, originally, a Dutchman, a Pennsylvania, Lancaster Count... Jipson's Great Dinner Party
"Well, you must do it." "Do it?" "Do it, sir," reiterated the lady of Jipson, a man well enough to do in the world, chief clerk of a "sugar baker," and receiving his twenty hundred dollars a year, with no perquisites, however, and--plenty of ... Jolly Old Times
Either mankind or his constitution has changed since "the good old times," for we read in an old medicine book, that bleeding at the nose, and cramp, could be effectually prevented by wearing a dried toad in a bag at the pit of the stomach; while ... Legal Advice
Old Ben. Franklin said it was his opinion that, between imprisonment and being at large in debt to your neighbor, there was no difference worthy the name of it. Some people have a monstrous sight of courage in debt, more than they have out of it, ... Look Out For Them Lobsters
Deacon ----, who resides in a pleasant village inside of an hour's ride upon Fitchburg road, rejoices in a fondness for the long-tailed crustacea, vulgarly known as lobsters. And, from messes therewith fulminated, by some of our professors of gast... Major Blink's First Season At Saratoga
"Ha, ha!" said Uncle Joe Blinks, as the subject of summer travel, a jaunt somewhere, was being discussed among the regular boarders in Mrs. Bamberry's spacious old-fashioned parlors; "Ha! ha! ha! ladies, did Mrs. Bamberry ever tell you of my tour ... Miseries Of A Dandy
That poverty is at times very unhandy--yea, humiliating, we can bear witness; but that any persons should make their poverty an everlasting subject of shame and annoyance to themselves, is the most contemptible nonsense we know of. During our juni... Miseries Of Bachelorhood
Dabster says he would not mind living as a bachelor, but when he comes to think that bachelors must die--that they have got to go down to the grave "without any body to cry for them"--it gives him a chill that frost-bites his philosophy. Dabster w... Mixing Meanings Mangling English
There is an individual in Quincy Market, "doing business," who is down on customers who don't speak proper. "What's eggs, this morning?" says a customer. "Eggs, of course," says the dealer. "I mean--how do they go?" "Go?--where?" "Sho... Mysteries And Miseries Of Housekeeping
People of experience tell awful stories about the miseries of boarding, and boarding-houses, and it is very clearly palpable to us that keepers of boarding-houses could a tale unfold of their own miseries, equal, if not double that of the luckless... Mysteries And Miseries Of The Life Of A City Editor
A great deal has been written, to show that the literary business is a very disagreeable business; and that branch of it coming under the "Editorial" head is about as comfortable as the bed of Procustes would be to an invalid. It may doubtless loo... Nights With The Caucusers
Office-Seeking has become a legitimatized branch of our every-day business, as much so as in former times "reduced gentlemen" took to keeping school or posting books. In former times, men took to politics to give zest to a life already replete wit... Nursing A Legacy
Waiting for dead men's shoes is a slow and not very sure business; sometimes it pays and sometimes it don't. I know a genius who lost by it, and his case will bear repeating, for there is both morality and fun in it. Lev Smith, a native of "the... Old Jack Ringbolt
Had been spinning old Mrs. Tartaremetic any quantity of salty yarns; she was quite surprised at Mr. Ringbolt's ups and downs, trials, travels and tribulations. Honest Jack (!) had assured the old dame that he had sailed over many and many cities, ... Old Maguire And His Horse Bonny Doon
Few animals possess the sagacity of the horse; passive and obedient, they are easily trained; bring them up the way you want them to go, and they'll go it! The horse in his old age does not forget the precepts of his youth. A very touching anecdot... Passing Around The Fodder!
A DINNER SKETCH. A few weeks ago, during a passage from Gotham to Boston, on the "Empire State," one of the most elegant and swift steamers that ever man's ingenuity put upon the waters, I met a well-known joker from the Quaker city, on his fir... Penalty Of Kissing Your Own Wife
Cato, when Censor of Rome, expelled from the Senate Manilius, whom the general opinion had marked out for counsellor, because he had given his wife a kiss in the day time, in the sight of his daughter. And this reminds us of a local story told us ... People Do Differ!
Fifty years ago, Uncle Sam was almost a stranger on the maps; he hadn't a friend in the world, apparently, while he had more enemies than he could shake a stick at. Every body snubbed him, and every body wanted to lick him. But Sam has now grown t... Philosophy Of The Times
The philosophy of the present age is peculiarly the philosophy of outsides. Few dive deeper into the human breast than the bosom of the shirt. Who could doubt the heart that beats beneath a cambric front? or who imagine that hand accustomed to dir... Pills And Persimmons
I remember an old "Joke" told me by my father, of an old, and rather addle-headed gentleman, who some fifty years ago did business in New Castle, Delaware, and having occasion to send out to England for hardware, wrote his order, and as he was abo... Practical Philosophy
Skinflint and old Jack Ringbolt had a dispute on Long Wharf, a few days since, upon a religious pint. Jack argued the matter upon a specie basis, and Skinflint took to "moral suasion." Jack went in for equal division of labor and money--all over t... Presence Of Mind
Mr. Davenport--the "Ned Davenport" of the Bowery boys--before sailing for Europe and while attached to the Bowery Theatre, was of the lean and hungry kind. In fact he was extremely lean--tall as a may-pole, and slender enough to crawl through a gr... Putting Me On A Platform!
Human nature doubtless has a great many weak points, and no few bipeds have a great itching after notoriety and fame. Fame, I am credibly informed, is not unlike a greased pig, always hard chased, but too eternal slippery for every body to hold on... Quartering Upon Friends
City-bred people have a pious horror of the country in winter, and no great regard for country visitors at any time, however much they may "let on" to the contrary. In rushing hot weather, when the bricks and mortar, the stagnated, oven-like ai... Ralph Waldo Emerson
Of all the public lecturers of our time and place, none have attracted more attention from the press, and consequently the people, than RALPH WALDO EMERSON. Lecturing has become quite a fashionable science--and now, instead of using the old sty... Rather Twangy
Three Irishmen, green as the Isle that per-duced 'em, but full of sin, and fond of the crater, broke into a country store down in Maine, one night last week, and after striking a light, they lit upon a large demijohn, having the suspicious look of... Roosting Out
In 1837, after the capture of Santa Anna, by General Samuel Houston and his little Spartan band, which event settled the war, and something like tranquillity being restored to Texas, several of us adventurers formed a small hunting party, and took... Scientific Labor
"Bob, what yer doing now?" "Aiding Nat'ral History." "Aiding Nat'ral History--what do yer mean by that?" "Why every time the kangaroo jumps over the monkey, I hold his tail up." ... Selling A Landlord
During the great gathering of people in Quakerdom, while the Whigs were dovetailing in Old Zack, an artful dodger, a queer quizzing Boston friend of mine, thought a little side play wouldn't be out of the way, so to work he goes to get up a muss, ... Snaking Out Sturgeons
We have roared until our ribs fairly ached, at the relation of the following "item" on sturgeons, by a loquacious friend of ours:-- It appears our friend was located on the Kennebec river, a few years ago, and had a number of hands employed abou... Sure Cure
Travel is a good invention to cure the blues and condense worldly effects. When Cutaway went to California, "I carried," said he, "a pile of despondency, and more baggage, boots, and boxes, than would fit out a caravan. After an absence of just fo... Taking Down A Sheriff
Ex-honorable John Buck, once the "representative" of a district out West, a lawyer originally, and finally a gentleman at large, and Jeremy Diddler generally, took up his quarters in Philadelphia, years ago, and putting himself upon his dignity, h... The Advertisement
Sit down for a moment, we will not detain you long, our story will interest you, we are sure, for it is most commendable, brief, and--singularly true. A poor widow, in the city of Philadelphia, was the mother of three pretty children, orphans o... The Bigger Fool The Better Luck
The American "Ole Bull," young Howard, one of the most scientific crucifiers of the violin we ever heard, gave us a call t'other day, and not only discoursed heavenly music upon his instrument, but gave us the "nub" of a few jokes worth dishing up... The Broomstick Marriage
"Marry in haste and repent at leisure," is a time-honored idea, and calls to mind a matrimonial circumstance which, according to pretty lively authority, once came about in the glorious Empire State. A certain Captain of a Lake Erie steamer, who w... The Emperor And The Poor Author
"The pen is mightier than the sword." Great men are not the less liable or addicted to very small, and very mean, and sometimes very rascally acts, but they are always fortunate in having any amount of panegyric graven on marble slabs, shaf... The Exorbitancy Of Meanness
Few extravaganzas of man or woman lay such a heavy stress upon the pocket-book or purse as meanness. This may seem paradoxical, but it's nothing of the kind. How many thousands to save a cent, walk a mile! How many to cut down expenses, cut off a ... The Fitzfaddles At Hull
"Well, well, drum no more about it, for mercy's sake; if you must go, you must go, that's all." "Yes, just like you, Fitzfaddle"--pettishly reiterates the lady of the middle-aged man of business; "mention any thing that would be gratifying to t... The Greatest Moral Engine
Say what you will, it's no use talking, poverty is more potent and powerful, as a moral engine, than all the "sermons and soda water," law, logic, and prison discipline, ever started. All a man wants, while he has a chance to be honest, and to get... The Leg Of Mutton
I'm going to state to you the remarkable adventures of a very remarkable man, who went to market to get a leg of mutton for his Sunday dinner. I have heard, or read somewhere or other, almost similar stories; whether they were real or imaginary, I... The Man That Knew 'em All
If you have ever "been around" some, and taken notice of things, you have doubtless seen the man who knows pretty much every thing and every body! I've seen them frequently. As the old preacher observed to a venerable lady, in reference to fore... The Perils Of Wealth
Money is admitted to be--there is no earthly use of dodging the fact--the lever of the whole world, by which it and its multifarious cargo of men and matters, mountains and mole hills, wit, wisdom, weal, woe, warfare and women, are kept in motion,... The Pigeon Express Man
In nearly all yarns or plays in which Yankees figure, they are supposed to be "a leetle teu darn'd ceute" for almost any body else, creating a heap of fun, and coming out clean ahead; but that even Connecticut Yankees--the cutest and all firedest ... The Question Settled
"Doctor" Gumbo, who "does business" somewhere along shore, met "Prof." White,--a gemman, whose complexion is four shades darker than the famed ace of spades,--a few evenings since, in front of the Blade office, and after the usual formalities of g... The Race Of The Aldermen
In 183-, it chanced in the big city of New York, that the aldermen elect were a sort of tie; that is, so many whigs and so many democrats. Such a thing did not occur often, the democracy usually having the supremacy. They generally had things pret...