A Cheap Watch
A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to
him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The
watchmaker, after examining it, said, It will be more expense repairing
than its original cost.--I don't mind that, said the tar; I will
even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on
the head for it, and if you repair it, I will give you two.
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A Broken Head
I AM the only man in Europe, sir, said the Colonel, that ever had a broken head,--to live after it. I was hunting near my place in Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a scythe which had been left upon the ground. Whe... A Budget Of Blunders
PERHAPS the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if by common consent, is the following:-- Copy of a Letter, written during the Rebellion by Sir ----, an ... A Cabal
THE attempt to run over the King of the French with a cab, looked like a conspiracy to overturn monarchy by a common-wheel. ... A Calculation
AFTER the death of the poet Chatterton, there was found among his papers, indorsed on a letter intended for publication, addressed to Beckford, then Lord Mayor, dated May 26, 1770, the following memorandum: Accepted by Bingley, set for, and thrown o... A Candid Counsel
AN Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned, replied, I am concerned for the plaintiff, but I'm retained by the defendant. ... A Capital Joke
LORD BRAXFIELD (a Scotch judge) once said to an eloquent culprit at the bar, You're a vera clever chiel, mon, but I'm thinking ye wad be nane the waur o' a hanging. ... A Capital Letter
DR. LLOYD, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by his solicitations and compliance at court he got removed from a poor Welsh bishopric to a rich English one, a reverend dean of the Church said, that he found his brother Lloyd sp... A Case Of Necessity
A SHOPKEEPER, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, Selling off! Must close on Saturday! was asked by a friend, What! are you selling off?--Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't they?--But you say, 'Must close on Saturday.'--To be... A Cautious Lover
WHEN I courted her, said Spreadweasel, I took lawyer's advice, and signed every letter to my love,--'Yours, without prejudice!'--D.J. ... A Celestial Vision
QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than men, replied, It is in conformity with the other arrangements of Nature, madam; we always see more of heaven than earth. ... A Certain Crop
UNDER the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field, where Lord Fife, his factor, and others interested in the subject were collected together. There was much discuss... A Certainty
A PHYSICIAN passing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, Good morning, Mr. D.! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far as 'In the memory of,' and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monument next?--Why, yes, replied the old man, ... A Change For The Better
HOW are you this morning? said Fawcett to Cooke. Not at all myself, says the tragedian. Then I congratulate you, replied Fawcett; for, be whoever else you will, you will be a gainer by the bargain. ... A Chartist Not A Leveller
A CHARTIST at a public meeting, in the course of a speech about the five points of the charter, exclaimed, Gentlemen, is not one man as good as another?--Uv course he is, shouted an excited Irish chartist, and a great deal betther. ... A Cheap Cure
PRAY, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout? asked an indolent and luxurious citizen. Live upon sixpence a day, and earn it! was the pithy answer. ... A Cheap Watch
A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The watchmaker, after examining it, said, It will be more expense repairing than its original cost.--I don't mind th... A Choice Of Evils
ONE asked his friend, why he married so little a wife? Why, said he, I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the least. ... A City Varnish
IT being remarked of a picture of The Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen, in the Shakespeare Gallery, that the varnish was chilled and the figures rather sunk, the proprietors directed one of their assistants to give it a fresh coat of varnish. Must I... A Claim On The Country
AS you do not belong to my parish, said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, you cannot expect that I should relieve you.--Sir, said the sailor, with a noble air, I lost my leg fighting for all parishes. ... A Clear Case
MR. JUSTICE MAULE would occasionally tax the powers of country juries. Ex. gr. Gentlemen, said the judge, the learned counsel is perfectly right in his law, there is some evidence upon that point; but he's a lawyer, and you're not, and you don't kno... A Clever Dog
AFTER witnessing the first representation of a dog-piece by Reynolds, called the Caravan, Sheridan suddenly came into the green-room, on purpose, it was imagined, to wish the author joy. Where is he? was the first question: where is my guardian ange... A Climax
A VERY volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were numberless, at last married. Now, my lord, said the countess, I hope you'll mend.--Madam, says he, you may depend on it this is my last folly. ... A Climax
THE late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration: He was a good man, an excellent man. He had the best melted butter I ever tasted in my life. ... A Close Escape
ONE of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious circumstance in his life. He was t... A Close Translation
A COUNTRY gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B----, a translator of Juvenal, said, What particularly convinces me of the faithfulness of your translation is, that in places where I do not understand Juvenal, I likewise do not understand you. ... A Closer
SOME person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door of a house, Let nothing enter here but what is good.--Then where will the master go in? asked a cynic. ... A Coat-of-arms
A GREAT pretender to gentility Came to a herald for his pedigree: The herald, knowing what he was, begun To rumble o'er his heraldry; which done, Told him he was a gentleman of note, And that he had a very glorious coat. ... A Cockney Epigram
In Parliament, it's plain enough, No reverence for age appears; For they who hear each speaker's stuff, Find there is no respect for (y) ears. ... A Cold Compliment
A COXCOMB, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his petty ailments, complained that he could never go out without catching cold in his head. No wonder, returned the doctor; you always go out without anything in it. ... A Colorable Excuse
A LADY who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. I can't tell, madam, he replied, except you uncover your face. ...