A Comedian And A Lawyer
A FEW years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his
trouble, a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his
money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the
attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much
self-complacency,--Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how
you used those three thousand pounds. Burton put on one of his
serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, The lawyers
got that! The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The
counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.
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A Cheap Cure
PRAY, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout? asked an indolent and luxurious citizen. Live upon sixpence a day, and earn it! was the pithy answer. ... A Cheap Watch
A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The watchmaker, after examining it, said, It will be more expense repairing than its original cost.--I don't mind th... A Choice Of Evils
ONE asked his friend, why he married so little a wife? Why, said he, I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the least. ... A City Varnish
IT being remarked of a picture of The Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen, in the Shakespeare Gallery, that the varnish was chilled and the figures rather sunk, the proprietors directed one of their assistants to give it a fresh coat of varnish. Must I... A Claim On The Country
AS you do not belong to my parish, said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, you cannot expect that I should relieve you.--Sir, said the sailor, with a noble air, I lost my leg fighting for all parishes. ... A Clear Case
MR. JUSTICE MAULE would occasionally tax the powers of country juries. Ex. gr. Gentlemen, said the judge, the learned counsel is perfectly right in his law, there is some evidence upon that point; but he's a lawyer, and you're not, and you don't kno... A Clever Dog
AFTER witnessing the first representation of a dog-piece by Reynolds, called the Caravan, Sheridan suddenly came into the green-room, on purpose, it was imagined, to wish the author joy. Where is he? was the first question: where is my guardian ange... A Climax
A VERY volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were numberless, at last married. Now, my lord, said the countess, I hope you'll mend.--Madam, says he, you may depend on it this is my last folly. ... A Climax
THE late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration: He was a good man, an excellent man. He had the best melted butter I ever tasted in my life. ... A Close Escape
ONE of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious circumstance in his life. He was t... A Close Translation
A COUNTRY gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B----, a translator of Juvenal, said, What particularly convinces me of the faithfulness of your translation is, that in places where I do not understand Juvenal, I likewise do not understand you. ... A Closer
SOME person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door of a house, Let nothing enter here but what is good.--Then where will the master go in? asked a cynic. ... A Coat-of-arms
A GREAT pretender to gentility Came to a herald for his pedigree: The herald, knowing what he was, begun To rumble o'er his heraldry; which done, Told him he was a gentleman of note, And that he had a very glorious coat. ... A Cockney Epigram
In Parliament, it's plain enough, No reverence for age appears; For they who hear each speaker's stuff, Find there is no respect for (y) ears. ... A Cold Compliment
A COXCOMB, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his petty ailments, complained that he could never go out without catching cold in his head. No wonder, returned the doctor; you always go out without anything in it. ... A Colorable Excuse
A LADY who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. I can't tell, madam, he replied, except you uncover your face. ... A Colorable Resemblance
TWO silly brothers, twins, who were very much about town in Theodore Hook's time, took pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as to their identity. Tom Hill (the original of Paul Pry) was expatiating upon these modern Dromios, at which H... A Comedian And A Lawyer
A FEW years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his trouble, a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face... A Common Case
A SAILOR meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a little, asked him where he lived? Where I live, said he, I don't know; but I starve towards Wapping, and that way. ... A Common Want
IN the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited disputants, he began:-- Gentlemen, all I want is common sense-- Exactly, Jerrold interrupted, that is precisel... A Comparison
DURING the assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:-- Did you see the defendant throw the stone?--I saw a stone, and I'z... A Comparison
AN attorney, says Sterne, is the same thing to a barrister that an apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer does not deal in scruples. ... A Comparison
IT is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles,--the less they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring it out. ... A Compliment Ill-received
A PERSON who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The doctor bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the impertinent ha, ha, ha! becoming intolerable... A Confirmed Invalid
A POOR woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length recognized by the bishop. Pray, have I not seen you here before? said his lordship. Yes, replied the woman, I get me conform'd as often as I can; they tell me it is good for the rhe... A Conjugal Caution
SIR GEORGE ETHEREGE, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that he would certainly kiss her if she stirre... A Conjugal Conclusion
A WOMAN having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her, proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The bystanders asked him if he was mad,--she could not have gone against the stream. The man answered, She was obstinate... A Connubial Compliment
A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the difference between exportation and transportation. Why, my dear, he replied, if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, you would be exported, and I should be transported... A Considerate Mayor
A COUNTRY mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair which would serve well enough. Yea, sa... A Considerate Son
A WITCH, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired him to give her some drink. No, mother, said he, it would do you wrong, for the drier you are, the better you will burn. ... A Constitutional Pun
DANIEL PURCELL, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore. Upon what subject? said Daniel. The king, answered the other. O, sir, said he, the king is no subject. ... A Convenient Theory
AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech: Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and ... A Conversational Epigram
SAID Bluster to Whimple, You juvenile fool, Get out of my way, do you hear? Said Whimple, A fool did you say? by that rule I'm much in your way as I fear. ... A Convert
A NOTORIOUS miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon, exclaimed, This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have almost a mind to turn beggar. ...