A Cool Hand
AN old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in
sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from
certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie
Ochiltree afforded a sort of pasture-ground to a herd of many animals
of minute size, he hinted his fears to the old man that he might leave
some of his small body-guard, behind him. No fear, sir; no fear,
replied this deaf and venerable vagrant, contemplating the artist with
serious serenity; I don't think they are any of them likely to leave
me for you.
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A Common Case
A SAILOR meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a little, asked him where he lived? Where I live, said he, I don't know; but I starve towards Wapping, and that way. ... A Common Want
IN the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited disputants, he began:-- Gentlemen, all I want is common sense-- Exactly, Jerrold interrupted, that is precisel... A Comparison
DURING the assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:-- Did you see the defendant throw the stone?--I saw a stone, and I'z... A Comparison
AN attorney, says Sterne, is the same thing to a barrister that an apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer does not deal in scruples. ... A Comparison
IT is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles,--the less they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring it out. ... A Compliment Ill-received
A PERSON who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The doctor bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the impertinent ha, ha, ha! becoming intolerable... A Confirmed Invalid
A POOR woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length recognized by the bishop. Pray, have I not seen you here before? said his lordship. Yes, replied the woman, I get me conform'd as often as I can; they tell me it is good for the rhe... A Conjugal Caution
SIR GEORGE ETHEREGE, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that he would certainly kiss her if she stirre... A Conjugal Conclusion
A WOMAN having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her, proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The bystanders asked him if he was mad,--she could not have gone against the stream. The man answered, She was obstinate... A Connubial Compliment
A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the difference between exportation and transportation. Why, my dear, he replied, if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, you would be exported, and I should be transported... A Considerate Mayor
A COUNTRY mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair which would serve well enough. Yea, sa... A Considerate Son
A WITCH, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired him to give her some drink. No, mother, said he, it would do you wrong, for the drier you are, the better you will burn. ... A Constitutional Pun
DANIEL PURCELL, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore. Upon what subject? said Daniel. The king, answered the other. O, sir, said he, the king is no subject. ... A Convenient Theory
AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech: Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and ... A Conversational Epigram
SAID Bluster to Whimple, You juvenile fool, Get out of my way, do you hear? Said Whimple, A fool did you say? by that rule I'm much in your way as I fear. ... A Convert
A NOTORIOUS miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon, exclaimed, This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have almost a mind to turn beggar. ... A Cool Hand
AN old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie Ochiltree afforded a sort of pasture-ground to ... A Cool Proposition
AT the breaking up of a fashionable party at the west end of town, one of the company said he was about to drop in at Lady Blessington's; whereupon a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to the speaker, very modestly said, O then, you can take me wit... A Cruel Case
POPE the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art, received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the simplicity of the intended fare--a small turbot and a boiled edgebone of beef. The very thing of all others that I l... A Dangerous Generalization
A TUTOR bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make some English verses, and seeing he put teeth to rhyme with feet, told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles answered, You have often told me that H was no... A Deadly Weapon
WELL, sir, asked a noisy disputant, don't you think that I have mauled my antagonist to some purpose?--O yes, replied a listener, you have,--and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines, I'll borrow your jaw-bone! ... A Dear Bargain
QUIN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent young fellow said to him, What would you give to be as young as I am?--By the powers, replied Quin, I would even submit to be almost as foolish! ... A Dear Speaker
SOON after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his maiden speech, thus addressed the chair: And now, my dear Mr. Speaker, etc. This excited loud laughter. As s... A Deserved Retort
A SPENDTHRIFT, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought it had been his great-grandfather's coat. So it was, said the gentleman, and I have also my great-grandfather's ... A Dialogue
Pope. SINCE my old friend is grown so great, As to be minister of state, I'm told (but 'tis not true I hope) That Craggs will be ashamed of Pope. Craggs. ALAS! if I am such a creature, To grow the worse for ... A Difference
JERROLD one day met a Scotch gentleman, whose name was Leitch, and who explained that he was not the popular caricaturist, John Leech. I'm aware of that; you're the Scotchman with the i-t-c-h in your name, said Jerrold. ... A Difficult Task
YOU have only yourself to please, said a married friend to an old bachelor. True, replied he, but you cannot tell what a difficult task I find it. ... A Dilemma
WHILST a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, Now, beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly, those at the farther end of the church cannot h... A Disappointing Subscriber
TO all letters soliciting subscriptions, Lord Erskine had a regular form of reply, namely: Sir, I feel much honored by your application to me, and beg to subscribe (here the reader had to turn over leaf) Myself, your very obedient servant, etc. ... A Distant Friend
MEETING a negro on the road, a traveller said, You have lost some of your friends, I see?--Yes, massa.--Was it a near or a distant relative?--Well, purty distant,--'bout twenty-four mile, was the reply. ... A Distant Prospect
THROUGH an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no very pleasing scenery. Porson, walking that way with a friend, and observing the church, remarked, That it ... A Distressful Denouement
MR. MOORE having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of The Gamester. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the piece, being all he had written; by ...