A Fig For The Grocer!
WHEN Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St.
Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man,
addressing him, said, I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at
this momentous epoch of your life.--No, I don't, said Abernethy. I
want a pennyworth of figs; come, look sharp and wrap them up; I want to
be off!
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A Dry Fellow
WELL, Will, said an Earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter finishing his dinner, have you had a good dinner to-day? (Will had been grumbling some time before.) Ou, vera gude, answered Will; but gin anybody asks if I got a dram after 't, what ... A Dull Man
LORD BYRON knew a dull man who lived on a bon mot of Moore's for a week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that the reciter was guiltless of understanding its point; but he could get no one to accept the bet. ... A Dutiful Daughter
THE father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor, and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company, whom she secretly wedded. When Roger Kemble heard of it he was furious. Have I not, he exclaimed, dared you to ma... A Fair Distribution
WHEN the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the Revenge, on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men,--an Irishman,--devoutly kneel... A Fair Proposal
WHY don't you take off your hat? said Lord F---- to a boy struggling with a calf. So I wull, sir, replied the lad; if your lordship will hold my calf, I'll pull off my hat. ... A Fair Repulse
AT the time of the threatened invasion, the laird of Logan had been taunted at a meeting at Ayr with want of a loyal spirit at Cumnock, as at that place no volunteer corps had been raised to meet the coming danger; Cumnock, it should be recollected,... A Fair Substitute
WHEN Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that probably the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the honor. Well, but, said Lord S., perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like it.--Then let the king knight her, answered... A Fall In Mitres
ONE of the wooden mitres, carved by Grinly Gibbons over a prebend's stall in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether he should make it fast: For, perhaps,... A False Face True
THAT there is falsehood in his looks I must and will deny; They say their master is a knave: And sure they do not lie. ... A Familiar Friend
SYDNEY SMITH was annoyed one evening by the familiarity of a young gentleman, who, though a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Smith's jocular reputation to address him by his surname alone. Hearing the young man say that he was going that even... A Familiar Illustration
A MEDICAL student under examination, being asked the different effects of heat and cold, replied: Heat expands and cold contracts.--Quite right; can you give me an example?--Yes, sir, in summer, which is hot, the days are longer; but in winter, whic... A Family Party
A CERTAIN lodging-house was very much infested by vermin. A gentleman who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she said, La, sir, we haven't a single bug in the house.--No ma'am, said he, they're all married, and have lar... A Favorite Air
ONE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical composition, said: That song always carries me away when I hear it.--Can anybody whistle it? asked Jerrold, laughing. ... A Feeling Witness
A LAWYER, upon a circuit in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until the opposite lawyer asked the child, What made h... A Fig For The Grocer!
WHEN Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St. Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man, addressing him, said, I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at this momentous epoch of your life.--No, I don'... A Fillip For Him
THE present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had just made a speech of more poetry than law, Poor young man, he has studied the wrong Phillips. ... A Fixture
DR. ROGER LONG, the celebrated astronomer, was walking, one dark evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a short post fixed in the pavement, but which, in the earnestness of conversation, taking to be a boy standing in the pa... A Flash Of Wit
SYDNEY SMITH, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist: Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His enemies might perhaps have said before (thou... A Fool And His Money
A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when sixpence would have been enough, remarked that He knew no difference between a shilling and sixpence.--But you will, young gentleman, an old economist replied, when you come to be ... A Fool Confirmed
DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once called a clergyman a fool, and there was probably some truth in his application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different opinion, declared he would complain to... A Forcible Argument
THAT erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with great violence, cried out, Who dare de... A Foreign Accent
WHEN Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord Justice asked him, Hae you ony counsel, mon?--No.--Do you want to hae ony appointed?--I only want an interpreter to make me understand what your lordships say. CXXXIII-... A Forgetful Man
WHEN Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free. Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf; No wonder that he don't remember me; Why so? you see he has forgot himself. ... A Fortunate Expedient
A GENTLEMAN of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At last it occurred to him that, if he was not... A Fowl Joke
A CITY policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the hens (N) division. Do you mean in the Poultry? asked the Judge. ... A Free Translation
MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More he was too much elated with his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'--No, my lord, said Sir Thomas, the pun will do much better in E... A Full House
WHAT plan, said an actor to another, shall I adopt to fill the house at my benefit?--Invite your creditors, was the surly reply. ... A Full Stop
A GENTLEMAN was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him. One old aunt, in particular, visited him twice a year, and stayed six months each time. ...