A Fortunate Expedient
A GENTLEMAN of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed
at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to
greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At
last it occurred to him that, if he was not understood, he might at
least frighten the fellow by using some high-sounding words, and he
roared into the ear of the postilion: Westmoreland, Cumberland,
Northumberland, Durham! which the fellow mistaking for some tremendous
threat, had the desired effect, and induced him to increase his speed.
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A Fall In Mitres
ONE of the wooden mitres, carved by Grinly Gibbons over a prebend's stall in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether he should make it fast: For, perhaps,... A False Face True
THAT there is falsehood in his looks I must and will deny; They say their master is a knave: And sure they do not lie. ... A Familiar Friend
SYDNEY SMITH was annoyed one evening by the familiarity of a young gentleman, who, though a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Smith's jocular reputation to address him by his surname alone. Hearing the young man say that he was going that even... A Familiar Illustration
A MEDICAL student under examination, being asked the different effects of heat and cold, replied: Heat expands and cold contracts.--Quite right; can you give me an example?--Yes, sir, in summer, which is hot, the days are longer; but in winter, whic... A Family Party
A CERTAIN lodging-house was very much infested by vermin. A gentleman who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she said, La, sir, we haven't a single bug in the house.--No ma'am, said he, they're all married, and have lar... A Favorite Air
ONE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical composition, said: That song always carries me away when I hear it.--Can anybody whistle it? asked Jerrold, laughing. ... A Feeling Witness
A LAWYER, upon a circuit in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until the opposite lawyer asked the child, What made h... A Fig For The Grocer!
WHEN Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St. Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man, addressing him, said, I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at this momentous epoch of your life.--No, I don'... A Fillip For Him
THE present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had just made a speech of more poetry than law, Poor young man, he has studied the wrong Phillips. ... A Fixture
DR. ROGER LONG, the celebrated astronomer, was walking, one dark evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a short post fixed in the pavement, but which, in the earnestness of conversation, taking to be a boy standing in the pa... A Flash Of Wit
SYDNEY SMITH, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist: Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His enemies might perhaps have said before (thou... A Fool And His Money
A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when sixpence would have been enough, remarked that He knew no difference between a shilling and sixpence.--But you will, young gentleman, an old economist replied, when you come to be ... A Fool Confirmed
DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once called a clergyman a fool, and there was probably some truth in his application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different opinion, declared he would complain to... A Forcible Argument
THAT erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with great violence, cried out, Who dare de... A Foreign Accent
WHEN Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord Justice asked him, Hae you ony counsel, mon?--No.--Do you want to hae ony appointed?--I only want an interpreter to make me understand what your lordships say. CXXXIII-... A Forgetful Man
WHEN Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free. Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf; No wonder that he don't remember me; Why so? you see he has forgot himself. ... A Fortunate Expedient
A GENTLEMAN of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At last it occurred to him that, if he was not... A Fowl Joke
A CITY policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the hens (N) division. Do you mean in the Poultry? asked the Judge. ... A Free Translation
MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More he was too much elated with his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'--No, my lord, said Sir Thomas, the pun will do much better in E... A Full House
WHAT plan, said an actor to another, shall I adopt to fill the house at my benefit?--Invite your creditors, was the surly reply. ... A Full Stop
A GENTLEMAN was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him. One old aunt, in particular, visited him twice a year, and stayed six months each time. ... A Genuine Irish Bull
SIR BOYLE ROCHE said, Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much greater. ... A Good Appetite
A NOBLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. Frank, said he, one day, tell me how many loins you could eat? Ah, my lord, as for loins, not many; five or six at most.--And how many legs of mutton?--Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; sev... A Good Character
AN Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed afraid of work. O, not at all, said he; not at all; she'll frequently lie down and fall asleep by the very side of it. ... A Good Critic
A FRIEND of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so much time upon his works. You do not know, then, said he, that I have a master very difficult to please?--Who?--Myself. ... A Good Example
IN the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his tongue. There are other speakers in the House (not official) who would show their sagacity by following the exa... A Good Excuse
AN attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had taken all the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted. ... A Good Investment
AN English journal lately contained the following announcement: To be sold, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney retiring from business. N.B. The clients are rich and obstinate. ... A Good Jail Delivery
BROTHER DAVID DEWAR was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called upon to give his vote in the choice ... A Good Joke
A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have a prop. Suppose, said he, I lean against this milestone?--With pleasure, replied the lawyer, on condition ... A Good Judge
HONESTY is the best policy, said a Scotchman. I know it, my friend, for I have tried baith. ... A Good Likeness
A PERSON who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen his picture. And did you ask it for a subscription? said the non-giver. No, I saw no chance, replied the ...