A Late Discoverer
A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long
discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical
views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When
he had done repeating his truisms, Charles Lamb gravely said: Then,
sir, you are actually prepared to maintain that a thief is not
altogether a moral man.
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A Hint For Genealogists
MR. MOORE, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this manner: Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one more. ... A Home Argument
BY one decisive argument Tom gained his lovely Kate's consent, To fix the bridal day. Why in such haste, dear Tom, to wed? I shall not change my mind, she said. But then, says he, I may. ... A Hopeless Invasion
ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in 1798, dryly observed, They might come as they could; for his own part, he could only say that they should not come by water. ... A Horse Laugh
A COACHMAN, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would bear malice like a Christian. ... A Humorist Piqued
THEODORE HOOK was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one occasion, when supping in the company of Peake, the latter surreptitiously removed from his plate several slices of tongue; and, affecting to be very much annoyed by such practic... A Jew's Eye To Business
A JEW, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. When informed of this, it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see a fellow... A Joint Concern
A STUPID fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the performance of a fine anthem, I think we performed very well to-day.--We performed! answered the organist; I think it was I performed, or I am much mistaken. Shortly after another... A Joke From The North
THE reigning bore at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L----; his favorite subject the North Pole. One day the arch tormentor met Jeffrey in a narrow lane, and began instantly on the North Pole. Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted... A Judge In A Fog
ONE of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the construction of a will, sagely declared, It appeared to him that the testator meant to keep a life-interest in the estate to himself.--Very true, my lord, said Curran gravely; but in this ... A Jury Case
CURRAN, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of resuming nisi prius business, said: I had been under full sail to fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly... A Just Debtor
ON one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a person 100l. as a bribe, to conceal something which would have involved the reputation of a lady. On that person's application for the money, his lordship wrote a check for 25l. and presented it to him. B... A Kind Hint
LORD GREY complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He should follow the example of duellists, and by going out he would certainly give satisfaction. ... A Knotty Point
THE Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots scattered through the town. They argued that under the circumstances it was impossible they could have been collected. ... A Last Resource
VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what he should do to avoid the ruin. Live as I do, my lord, said Sir John. That I can do, answered the duke, when ... A Late Discoverer
A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When he had done repeating his truisms, Char... A Late Edition
IT was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the manuscript of a friend, the answer, That it would be read when Homer and Virgil were forgotten, but not till then. ... A Lawyer's Opinion Of Law
COUNSELLOR M----T, after he retired from practice, being one day in company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically observed, If any man were to claim the coat upon... A Letter Wanting
SAID vain Andrew Scalp, My initials, I guess, Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S. Said Jerrold, I own you're a reticent youth, For that's telling only two thirds of the truth. ... A Light Joke
AN eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles were burned down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same evening he tried the experiment at ho... A Light Study
AS a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said, Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?--No, sir, replied the alderman, I am studying gas-tronomy. ... A Literal Joke
LORD ELDON always pronounced the word lien as though it were lyon; and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word lean. On this Jekyll wrote the following epigram:-- Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean, By saying the Chancellor's... A Literary Rendering
A SCOTCH lady gave her servant very particular instructions regarding visitors, explaining, that they were to be shown into the drawing-room, and no doubt used the Scotticism, Carry any ladies that call up stairs. On the arrival of the first visitor... A Little Rain
HOW monarchs die is easily explained, For thus upon their tombs it might be chiselled; As long as George the Fourth could reign, he reigned, And then he mizzled! ... A Long Bill
WHEN Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle Inn, and when Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant, the comedian asked him his name. Partridge, sir, said he. Partridge! It should have been Woodcock, by the length o... A Long Illness
A CLERGYMAN in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of the third chapter of St. Matthew: And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever, preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going across a churc... A Long Residence
THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied... A Love Song By Dean Swift
A PUD IN is almi de si re, Mimis tres Ine ver require, Alo veri find it a gestis, His miseri ne ver at restis. ... A Lusus Naturae
AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, girls under twenty-one years of age, who should exhibit the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. That is all right, said an old maid, save the insinuation that some girls are over...