A New Reading
KEMBLE playing Hamlet in the country, the gentleman who acted
Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician.
Hamlet asks him, Will you play upon this pipe?--My lord, I
cannot.--I pray you.--Believe me, I cannot.--I do beseech
you.--Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I
can; and to the confusion of Hamlet, and the great amusement of the
audience, he played God save the king!
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A Michaelmas Meeting
SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he was riding along a turnpike road, in the county of Durham, when he was met by a wag, who, mistaking his man, thought... A Military Axiom
AN old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when reproached for his conduct, replied, Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads; always quarter upon the enemy. ... A Mistake
OLD Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking. Some puny things, he said, have died of learning to drink, but no man ever died of drinking. Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he spoke from great practical experience, and ... A Model Philanthropist
BOBBY, what does your father do for a living?--He's a philanthropist, sir.--A what?--A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,--he collects money for Central America, and builds houses out of the proceeds. ... A Modern Sculptor
BROWN and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, Do you know that chap, Smith? said Brown. Yes, I know him; that is, I know of him,--he's a sculptor.--Such a fellow as that a sculptor! surely you must be mistaken.--He may not be the kind of on... A Money-lender
THE best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always ... A Monster
SYDNEY SMITH said that the Court of Chancery was like a boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in haste, and digested them at leisure. ... A Mot Of De Foe
WHEN Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons, it was expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orator; but not proving so, De Foe said, He had better have continued the Spectator than the Tatler. ... A Musical Blow-up
THE Rev. Mr. B----, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally employed his fingers in that office, thrust... A Mystery Cleared Up
W----, they say, is bright! yet to discover The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit. But hold! Extremes will meet: the marvel's over; His very dulness is the extreme of wit. ... A Nameless Man
A GENTLEMAN, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. My name, replied the man, is the same as my father's.--And what is his name? said the gentleman. It is the same as mine.--Then what ... A Neat Quotation
LORD NORBURY asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause, was told that Mr. Serjeant Joy, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr. Hope, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His lordship humorously repeated the well-know... A Neat Suggestion
A WELSH judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll: As you have asked the Ministry for everything else, ask them for a piece of soap and a nailbrush. ... A New Disguise
THE Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked Foote what new character he should go in. Go sober! said Foote. ... A New Idea
ONE of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke On the Understanding, which she protested she admired above all things; only there was one particular word, very often re... A New Reading
KEMBLE playing Hamlet in the country, the gentleman who acted Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. Hamlet asks him, Will you play upon this pipe?--My lord, I cannot.--I pray you.--Believe me, I cannot.--I do beseech you.... A New Reading
TOWARDS the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vexations of office, and, alluding to his intended retirement, quoted from Horace the following passage:-- Lusi... A New Scholar
A CALIFORNIAN gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded: I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection. I particularly admire a grand ... A New Sign
A DRUNKEN fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign was. He answered, that it was a sign he was drunk. ... A New Sport
QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why, gave this reason: Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with venison, and go a-Quinning, I should certainly bite; and what a sight should I be dangling in the air! ... A New View
SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be exposed, though we must confess we think it a thing that deserves a hiding. ... A New Way With Attorneys
ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an attorney, was complaining of the great expense of a funeral cavalcade in the country. Why, do you bury your attorneys here? asked Foote. Yes, to be sure we do: how else?--O, we never d... A Nice Distinction
NED SHUTER thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned:--A hole, said he, may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but a darn is premeditated poverty. ... A Nice Distinction
WHAT is the difference, asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman he was examining, between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction. Various answers were given. Well, he said, it lies in thi... A Noise For Nothing
WHEN Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore... A Novel Complaint
A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician felt his pulse, and said, Do you eat well?--Yes, said the patient. Do you sleep well?--I do.--Then, said the physician, I shall give you something to take away all that! ... A Novel Idea
MORROW'S Library is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a popular preacher. How inconsistent, said Archbishop Whately, is the piety of certain ladies here. They go to Day for a sermon and to Morrow for a novel! ... A Novelty
A PERSON was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. Then, added another, you have now done it for the first time. ... A One-sided Joke
A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear rouge. I can give you permission, my dear, he replied, only for one cheek. ... A Painful Examination
IN the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the questions was, Give a definition of happiness. To which a candidate returned the following laconic answer: An e...