A Novel Complaint
A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician
felt his pulse, and said, Do you eat well?--Yes, said the patient.
Do you sleep well?--I do.--Then, said the physician, I shall give
you something to take away all that!
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A Neat Suggestion
A WELSH judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll: As you have asked the Ministry for everything else, ask them for a piece of soap and a nailbrush. ... A New Disguise
THE Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked Foote what new character he should go in. Go sober! said Foote. ... A New Idea
ONE of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke On the Understanding, which she protested she admired above all things; only there was one particular word, very often re... A New Reading
KEMBLE playing Hamlet in the country, the gentleman who acted Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. Hamlet asks him, Will you play upon this pipe?--My lord, I cannot.--I pray you.--Believe me, I cannot.--I do beseech you.... A New Reading
TOWARDS the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vexations of office, and, alluding to his intended retirement, quoted from Horace the following passage:-- Lusi... A New Scholar
A CALIFORNIAN gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded: I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection. I particularly admire a grand ... A New Sign
A DRUNKEN fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign was. He answered, that it was a sign he was drunk. ... A New Sport
QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why, gave this reason: Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with venison, and go a-Quinning, I should certainly bite; and what a sight should I be dangling in the air! ... A New View
SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be exposed, though we must confess we think it a thing that deserves a hiding. ... A New Way With Attorneys
ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an attorney, was complaining of the great expense of a funeral cavalcade in the country. Why, do you bury your attorneys here? asked Foote. Yes, to be sure we do: how else?--O, we never d... A Nice Distinction
NED SHUTER thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned:--A hole, said he, may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but a darn is premeditated poverty. ... A Nice Distinction
WHAT is the difference, asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman he was examining, between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction. Various answers were given. Well, he said, it lies in thi... A Noise For Nothing
WHEN Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore... A Novel Complaint
A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician felt his pulse, and said, Do you eat well?--Yes, said the patient. Do you sleep well?--I do.--Then, said the physician, I shall give you something to take away all that! ... A Novel Idea
MORROW'S Library is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a popular preacher. How inconsistent, said Archbishop Whately, is the piety of certain ladies here. They go to Day for a sermon and to Morrow for a novel! ... A Novelty
A PERSON was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. Then, added another, you have now done it for the first time. ... A One-sided Joke
A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear rouge. I can give you permission, my dear, he replied, only for one cheek. ... A Painful Examination
IN the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the questions was, Give a definition of happiness. To which a candidate returned the following laconic answer: An e... A Pardonable Mistake
A BUTCHER of some eminence was lately in company with several ladies at a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one of the ladies addressing him, asked, Pray, sir, what are the stakes now? To which, ever mindful of his occupation, ... A Participation In A Practical Joke
SOME unlucky lads in the University bearing a spite to the dean for his severity towards them, went secretly one night and daubed the rails of his staircase with tar. The dean coming down in the dark, dirtied his hands and coat very much with the ta... A Pat Reply
LORD J. RUSSELL endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his talent and acquirements. It is useless talking... A Perfect Bore
SOME ONE being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was not a little tiresome?--Not at all, said he, she was perfectly tiresome. ... A Pertinent Question
FRANKLIN was once asked, What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity? The philosopher answered the question by another, What is the use of a new-born infant? ... A Pertinent Question
JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who was about to be tried), said, There is a great rogue at the end of my cane. The man pointed at, inquired, At which end, my lord? ... A Phenomenon Accounted For
DR. BYRON, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram, being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken in years looked so much better in an evening than a morning, thus replied:-- Ancient Phyllis has young grace... A Philosophical Reason
A SCHOLAR was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered, Unum contrarium expellit alterum. ...