A Previous Engagement
THE late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting
Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself!
Dine with me to-day,--dine with me to-day,--I will get Sydney Smith to
meet you. The witty canon admitted the temptation held out to him, but
said, he was engaged with him elsewhere.
More
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A Poor Substitute
THE Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. While seated at the table of a good lady in a neighboring parish, she asked him if he took milk in his tea. Yes, ma... A Portrait Capitally Executed
IN a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article: Memoirs of Charles the First,--with, a head capitally executed. ... A Poser
A COXCOMB in a coffee-house boasted that he had written a certain popular song, just as the true author entered the room. A friend of his pointed to the coxcomb: See, sir, the real author of your favorite song.--Well, replied the other, the gentlema... A Poser
FOOTE was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flashing away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: Why, Foote, said his friend, you are flat to-day; you don't seem to relish a joke!--You have not tried me yet, sir, said Foote.... A Poser
IN a Chancery suit one of the counsel, describing the boundaries of his client's land, said, in showing the plan of it, We lie on this side, my lord. The opposite counsel then said, And we lie on that side. The Chancellor, with a good-humored grin, ... A Poser
AT Plymouth there is, or was, a small green opposite the Government House, over which no one was permitted to pass. Not a creature was allowed to approach, save the General's cow. One day old Lady D----, having called at the General's, in order to m... A Poser
A LECTURER, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said, What do you do when you have outgrown your clothes? You throw them aside, don't you?--O no! replied the little one, we let o... A Poser By Lord Ellenborough
DURING the Chief-Justiceship of the late Lord Ellenborough there was a horse-cause, to which a certain Privy Councillor was a party, and who, as of right, took his seat upon the bench at the hearing, and there (while his adversary's counsel told his... A Preferable Way
ONE of the Kembles made his first appearance on the stage as an opera singer. His voice was, however, so bad, that at a rehearsal the conductor of the orchestra called out, Mr. Kemble! Mr. Kemble! you are murdering the music!--My dear sir, was the q... A Prefix
WHEN Lord Melcombe's name was plain Bubb, he was intended by the administration to be sent ambassador to Spain. Lord Chesterfield met him, and told him he was not a fit person to be representative of the crown of England at the Spanish court, on acc... A Pressing Reason
A TAILOR sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. Did you tell your master, said the lawyer, that... A Pretty Metaphor
A YOUNG lady marrying a man she loved, and leaving many friends in town, to retire with him into the country, Mrs. D. said prettily, She has turned one-and-twenty shillings into a guinea. ... A Pretty Picture
E---- taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when he was working at her mouth she was trying to render it smaller by contracting her lips. Do not trouble yourself so much, madam, exclaimed the painter; if you please, I will draw your face wit... A Pretty Reply
LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely remarked to Alexis Soyer, chef de cuisine, that his female assistants were all very pretty. Yes, my lord, replied Soyer; plain cooks will not do here. ... A Previous Engagement
THE late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself! Dine with me to-day,--dine with me to-day,--I will get Sydney Smith to meet you. The witty canon admitted th... A Probability
JONATHAN and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state now-a-days--an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the idea of being witty at the expense of his ... A Problem For Total Abstainers
THOMAS HOOD says: Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. Pints cannot be deemed potations. ... A Professional Aim
IN a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the other's coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, declared that had his friend been engaged with a client he would very probably have hit his pocket. ... A Promise To Pay
JOE HAINES was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l., as the Bishop of Ely was passing by in his coach. Gentlemen, said Joe, here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely goin... A Proper Answer
A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty, What is that to you? said he; meddle with those things that concern you. ... A Proper Name
WHEN Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Coburg Theatre for the purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much identified with blue fire and broadswords to ... A Proper Retort
A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to Madame Vestris, said: Madame, this is Mr. B----, who is not such a fool as he looks.--True, madame, said the comedian; and that is the great difference between me and my friend. ... A Prophecy
CHARLES MATHEWS, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), Why, answered the comedian, he is going to draw houses, like his father. ... A Proud Heart
MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of which he represented an old collier, looki... A Proverb Reversed
EXAMPLE is better than precept they say, With our parson the maxim should run t'other way; For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches, We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches. ... A Provident Boy
AN avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow.--O yes, retorted the half-starved lad, but I han't eaten for yesterda... A Pun With An Irish Accent
HOOD described a good church minister as Piety parsonified. ... A Pungent Pinch
WHEN Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal: Lundy, exclaimed Curran, that's a poser,--a deuse of a pinch, Lundy! ...