A Queer Expression
A POOR but clever student in the University of Glasgow was met by one of
the Professors, who noticing the scantiness of his academical toga,
said, Mr. ----, your gown is very short.--It will be long enough,
sir, before I get another, replied the student. The answer tickled the
Professor greatly, and he went on quietly chuckling to himself, when he
met a brother Professor, who, noticing his hilarity, inquired what was
amusing him so much. Why, that fellow ---- said such a funny thing. I
asked why his gown was so short, and he said, 'it will be a long time
before I get another.'--There's nothing very funny in that.--Well,
no, replied the other, there is not, after all. But it was the way he
said it.
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A Pretty Metaphor
A YOUNG lady marrying a man she loved, and leaving many friends in town, to retire with him into the country, Mrs. D. said prettily, She has turned one-and-twenty shillings into a guinea. ... A Pretty Picture
E---- taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when he was working at her mouth she was trying to render it smaller by contracting her lips. Do not trouble yourself so much, madam, exclaimed the painter; if you please, I will draw your face wit... A Pretty Reply
LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely remarked to Alexis Soyer, chef de cuisine, that his female assistants were all very pretty. Yes, my lord, replied Soyer; plain cooks will not do here. ... A Previous Engagement
THE late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself! Dine with me to-day,--dine with me to-day,--I will get Sydney Smith to meet you. The witty canon admitted th... A Probability
JONATHAN and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state now-a-days--an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the idea of being witty at the expense of his ... A Problem For Total Abstainers
THOMAS HOOD says: Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. Pints cannot be deemed potations. ... A Professional Aim
IN a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the other's coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, declared that had his friend been engaged with a client he would very probably have hit his pocket. ... A Promise To Pay
JOE HAINES was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l., as the Bishop of Ely was passing by in his coach. Gentlemen, said Joe, here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely goin... A Proper Answer
A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty, What is that to you? said he; meddle with those things that concern you. ... A Proper Name
WHEN Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Coburg Theatre for the purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much identified with blue fire and broadswords to ... A Proper Retort
A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to Madame Vestris, said: Madame, this is Mr. B----, who is not such a fool as he looks.--True, madame, said the comedian; and that is the great difference between me and my friend. ... A Prophecy
CHARLES MATHEWS, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), Why, answered the comedian, he is going to draw houses, like his father. ... A Proud Heart
MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of which he represented an old collier, looki... A Proverb Reversed
EXAMPLE is better than precept they say, With our parson the maxim should run t'other way; For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches, We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches. ... A Provident Boy
AN avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow.--O yes, retorted the half-starved lad, but I han't eaten for yesterda... A Pun With An Irish Accent
HOOD described a good church minister as Piety parsonified. ... A Pungent Pinch
WHEN Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal: Lundy, exclaimed Curran, that's a poser,--a deuse of a pinch, Lundy! ... A Quakerly Objection
A QUAKER being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly, Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to take off his hat! ... A Queer Expression
A POOR but clever student in the University of Glasgow was met by one of the Professors, who noticing the scantiness of his academical toga, said, Mr. ----, your gown is very short.--It will be long enough, sir, before I get another, replied the stu... A Query Answered
WHY, pray, of late do Europe's kings No jester to their courts admit? They're grown such stately solemn things, To bear a joke they think not fit. But though each court a jester lacks, To laugh at monarchs to their fa... A Query For Mr Babbage
A PERSON, hearing that Time is Money, became desirous of learning how many years it would take to pay a little debt of a hundred pounds! ... A Question For The Peerage
AS the late Trades Unions, by way of a show, Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row, I feel for the bridge, whispered Dick, with a shiver; Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river. Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer: Aband... A Question Of Descent
A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent, said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with proper respect: Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?--And, perhaps,... A Question Of Time
WHEN Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present employment. If your grace, replied Taylor, will excuse me this fault, I promise, if I live, to mend it. ... A Quick Lie
A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish laborer, Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch.--By my word, said Pat, an' yer honor's a gintleman! ... A Quiet Dose
A MEAN fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health gratis, asked a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint? I'll tell you, said the doctor, sarcastically; You should take advice. ... A Rake's Economy
WITH cards and dice, and dress and friends, My savings are complete; I light the candle at both ends, And thus make both ends meet. ... A Ready Reckoner
A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a wag, If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how much will a great boar (bore?) weigh? he replied, Jump into the scales, and I will tell you immediately. ... A Ready Reckoner
A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank off, and pushing the loaf towards th... A Reason
I WISH you at the devil! said somebody to Wilkes. I don't wish you there, was the answer. Why?--Because I never wish to see you again! ... A Reason For Being Too Late
CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge: the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen struggling with his fate. I wonder, said the gentleman, that the elephant did not secure an inside place.... A Reason For Belief
DO you believe in the apostolical succession? inquired one of Sydney Smith. I do, he replied: and my faith in that dogma dates from the moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of ----, who is so like Judas. ... A Reason For Not Moving
THOMSON, the author of the Seasons, was wonderfully indolent. A friend entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far spent, asked him why he did not get up. Man, I hae nae motive, replied the poet. ... A Reason For Polygamy
AN Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a villain? Please your worship, says Paddy, I was just trying to get a good one. ... A Reason For Running Away
OWEN MOORE has run away, Owing more than he can pay. ... A Reasonable Demand
COLONEL B---- was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into it, a friend, who was stepping into his chariot, called out to him, B----, I go by your door, and will set you do...