A Rebuke
A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted
that he had received his scars in battle. Then, said an old soldier,
be careful the next time you run away, and don't look back.
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A Ready Reckoner
A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a wag, If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how much will a great boar (bore?) weigh? he replied, Jump into the scales, and I will tell you immediately. ... A Ready Reckoner
A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank off, and pushing the loaf towards th... A Reason
I WISH you at the devil! said somebody to Wilkes. I don't wish you there, was the answer. Why?--Because I never wish to see you again! ... A Reason For Being Too Late
CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge: the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen struggling with his fate. I wonder, said the gentleman, that the elephant did not secure an inside place.... A Reason For Belief
DO you believe in the apostolical succession? inquired one of Sydney Smith. I do, he replied: and my faith in that dogma dates from the moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of ----, who is so like Judas. ... A Reason For Not Moving
THOMSON, the author of the Seasons, was wonderfully indolent. A friend entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far spent, asked him why he did not get up. Man, I hae nae motive, replied the poet. ... A Reason For Polygamy
AN Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a villain? Please your worship, says Paddy, I was just trying to get a good one. ... A Reason For Running Away
OWEN MOORE has run away, Owing more than he can pay. ... A Reasonable Demand
COLONEL B---- was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into it, a friend, who was stepping into his chariot, called out to him, B----, I go by your door, and will set you do... A Reasonable Excuse
A PERSON lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to return the volumes which he had lent them. Sir, replied a friend, your acquaintances find it is much more easy to retain the books themselves, than what is contained in them. ... A Reasonable Preference
WHETHER tall men or short men are best, Or bold men, or modest and shy men, I can't say, but this I protest, All the fair are in favor of Hy-men. ... A Reasonable Refusal
AT the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King. Indeed, she answered right sturdily, ... A Reasonable Request
AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said: It will only cost a few men.--Will you make one of the few? remarked the general. ... A Rebuke
A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted that he had received his scars in battle. Then, said an old soldier, be careful the next time you run away, and don't look back. ... A Reflection
AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him he could plainly see a rogue in his face. I never knew till now, said the witness, that my face was a looking-glass. ... A Remarkable Echo
A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, One at a time, Mr. Curran, if you please. The speech being finished, the judge began his charge, and during its progress the ass ... A Reverse
AN Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house he occupied, answered, If the house were turned topsy-turvy, I'd be livin' on the first flure. ... A Reverse Joke
A SOLDIER passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he had not rather struck the dog with the butt-end of his weapon? So I should, said the soldier, if he had run... A Riskful Adventure
MR. REYNOLDS, the dramatist, once met a free and easy actor, who told him that he had passed three festive days at the seat of the Marquis and Marchioness of ----, without any invitation. He had gone there on the assumption that as my lord and lady ... A Rowland For An Oliver
MR. HAWKINS, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham, and this word he pronounced, according to its orthography, Brough-am. If my learned friend will adopt t... A Royal Jest
A CAPTAIN, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance; and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church, Rather for the steeple, replied the royal... A Royal Muff
THE following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William IV., then Duke of Clarence: I was riding in the Park the other day, on the road between Teddington and Hampton-wick, when I was overtaken by a ... A Rub At A Rascal
GEORGE COLMAN being once told that a man whose character was not very immaculate had grossly abused him, pointedly remarked, that the scandal and ill report of some persons that might be mentioned was like fuller's earth, it daubs your coat a little... A Rule Of Practice
IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for himself without a fee, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea out of one pocket and put it into the other. ... A Runaway Knock
DOUGLAS JERROLD describing a very dangerous illness from which he had just recovered, said--Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door, I can assure you. ... A Safe Appeal
A PHYSICIAN once defended himself from raillery by saying, I defy any person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or neglect.--That you may do safely, replied an auditor, for you know, doctor, dead men tell no tales. ...