An Eye To Profit
A PERSON speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious,
was always abusing the avarice of others, added, Is it not strange that
this man will not take the beam out of his own eye before he attempts
the mote in other people's?--Why, so I daresay he would, cried
Sheridan, if he was sure of selling the timber.
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An East Indian Chaplaincy
THE best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body they found the chaplain of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr. ----, and who, after having been missing... An Easy Way
A PERSON deeply in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. I owe money and cannot pay it, said the man, in a tone of extreme dejection. Can't you leave all the uneasiness to your c... An Effort Of Memory
WOULD you think it? said A. to B. Mr. Roscius has taken a week to study a Prologue which I wrote in a day.--His memory is evidently not so good as yours, replied B. ... An Empty Head
OF a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he said, That girl has no more head than a periwinkle. ... An Endless Task
WHO seeks to please all men each way, And not himself offend, He may begin his work to-day, But who knows when he'll end? ... An Entertaining Proposition
A POMPOUS fellow made a very inadequate offer for a valuable property; and, calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentleman if he had entertained his proposition. No, replied the other, your proposition entertained me. ... An Equivocal Preference
A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her enraptured sight, and she accepted him a... An Equivocation
A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: Sir, I hear you have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?--No, sir, said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. I never said you were a pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say ... An Error Corrected
JERROLD was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his disappointment. ... An Evasion
A WELL-DRESSED fellow walked into a room where they were talking politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, in a loud voice, Where is a radical? Show me a radical, gentlemen, and I'll show you a liar! In an instant a man exc... An Expensive Job
A GENTLEMAN passing a country church while under repair, observed to one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. Why, yes, replied he; but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the... An Expensive Trip
IRISH Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (as was his wont) upon all his acquaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards in London, and talking of his great ... An Explanation
YOUNG, the author of Night Thoughts, paid a visit to Potter, son of Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. Whose field was that I crossed? asked Young, on rea... An Extinguisher
WHILE Commodore Anson's ship, the Centurion, was engaged in close fight, with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came running to him, and cried out, Sir, our ship is on fire very near the powder magazine.--Then pray, friend... An Eye To Profit
A PERSON speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious, was always abusing the avarice of others, added, Is it not strange that this man will not take the beam out of his own eye before he attempts the mote in other people's?--Why, s... An Honest Horse
A DEALER once, selling a nag to a gentleman, frequently observed, with emphatic earnestness, that he was an honest horse. After the purchase the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. Why, sir, replied the seller, whenever I rode him ... An Honest Warranty
A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, Now, my friend, I have bought your horse, what are his faults?--I know of no faults that he has, except two, replied the man; and one... An Honor To Tipperary
A GENTLEMAN from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the coffee-room. My dear fellow, said he, what are you about? For the honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting ove... An Illegal Indorsement
CURRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to his scholars. Do, my dear docto... An Impossible Renunciation
THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. Why, sir, said they, we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our ain righteousness.--Renouncing your ain ... An Impudent Wit
HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to the stranger and said, I beg your pardon sir... An Inconvenient Break Down
THE play of King Lear being performed at Reading, the representative of Glo'ster was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor was found to take the part at a short notice. He got on famously as far as the scene where Glo'ster had his eyes put ... An Inevitable Misfortune
WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him for being a Scotchman. I find, said he, that I am come to London at a bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North Britons; but when I am talking to you... An Ingenious Device
THE Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his portrait, and intended to obtain it. But how if your friends see it? inquired he. Ah, but I'll tell the artist not to make it like you, so they won't know it. ... An Inhospitable Irishman
SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: I hope, my Lord, if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll stay there all night. When he was suffering from a... An Inscription On Inscriptions
THE following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn:-- Ye who on windows thus prolong your shames, And to such arrant nonsense sign your names, The diamond quit... An Insurmountable Difficulty
BOOTH, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, I like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,--I can't get over your nose!--No wonder, madam, replied he, the bridge is gone! ... An Introductory Ceremony
AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him to speak at Guildhall. I must first dine with you, replied he, and see how you open your mouth, that I may know what sort of words will fit it. ...