An Introductory Ceremony
AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him
to speak at Guildhall. I must first dine with you, replied he, and
see how you open your mouth, that I may know what sort of words will
fit it.
More
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An Eye To Profit
A PERSON speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious, was always abusing the avarice of others, added, Is it not strange that this man will not take the beam out of his own eye before he attempts the mote in other people's?--Why, s... An Honest Horse
A DEALER once, selling a nag to a gentleman, frequently observed, with emphatic earnestness, that he was an honest horse. After the purchase the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. Why, sir, replied the seller, whenever I rode him ... An Honest Warranty
A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, Now, my friend, I have bought your horse, what are his faults?--I know of no faults that he has, except two, replied the man; and one... An Honor To Tipperary
A GENTLEMAN from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the coffee-room. My dear fellow, said he, what are you about? For the honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting ove... An Illegal Indorsement
CURRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to his scholars. Do, my dear docto... An Impossible Renunciation
THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. Why, sir, said they, we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our ain righteousness.--Renouncing your ain ... An Impudent Wit
HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to the stranger and said, I beg your pardon sir... An Inconvenient Break Down
THE play of King Lear being performed at Reading, the representative of Glo'ster was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor was found to take the part at a short notice. He got on famously as far as the scene where Glo'ster had his eyes put ... An Inevitable Misfortune
WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him for being a Scotchman. I find, said he, that I am come to London at a bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North Britons; but when I am talking to you... An Ingenious Device
THE Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his portrait, and intended to obtain it. But how if your friends see it? inquired he. Ah, but I'll tell the artist not to make it like you, so they won't know it. ... An Inhospitable Irishman
SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: I hope, my Lord, if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll stay there all night. When he was suffering from a... An Inscription On Inscriptions
THE following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn:-- Ye who on windows thus prolong your shames, And to such arrant nonsense sign your names, The diamond quit... An Insurmountable Difficulty
BOOTH, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, I like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,--I can't get over your nose!--No wonder, madam, replied he, the bridge is gone! ... An Introductory Ceremony
AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him to speak at Guildhall. I must first dine with you, replied he, and see how you open your mouth, that I may know what sort of words will fit it. ... An Irishman's Notion Of Discount
IT chanced, one gloomy day in the month of December, that a good-humored Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a bill of exchange for him at rather a long though not an unusual date; and the merchant having casually remarked that the bill had a... An Irishman's Plea
ARE you guilty, or not guilty? asked the clerk of arraigns of a prisoner the other day. An' sure now, said Pat, what are you put there for but to find that out? ... An Objectionable Process
GENERAL D---- was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain occasion, to the late Chief-Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings he endured from rheumatism, that learne... An Odd Bird
A LATE Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several. He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his surprise, the owl-keeper came up a... An Odd Comparison
SIR WILLIAM B---- being at a parish meeting, made some proposals, which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, Sir, says he to the farmer, do you know, sir, that I have been at the two universities, and at two colleges in each university?--We... An Odd Family
BLAYNEY said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each other, but who happened to have no descendants, that it seemed to be hereditary in their family to have no children. ... An Odd Fellow
LORD WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE was a very singular character, and had more peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the door, he called out in a very loud... An Odd Notion
A LADY the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, Well, Mary, where do you live now?--Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now, rejoined the girl; I am married! ... An Odd Occurrence
AT a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little absent-minded, observed gravely, I have often remarked that there have been more women than men married this year. ... An Odd Question
COUNSELOR RUDD, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of whist, and the dingy color of his linen. My dear Dick, said Curran to him one day, you can't think how puzzled we are to know where you buy all your dirty shirts. ... An Offensive Preference
A PERSON meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead. But, says the other, you find the report false.--'Tis hard to determine, he replied, for the man that told me w... An Old Adage Refuted
A SCHOLAR having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him. Now, says he, the old adage must be false, which saith that the tide tarrieth for no man. ...