An Old Joke
AS a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm
Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,
Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver--
You're my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you're my Liver.
Alas! cried the Fair on his left--to what use?
For you never saw either served up with a goose!
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An Insurmountable Difficulty
BOOTH, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, I like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,--I can't get over your nose!--No wonder, madam, replied he, the bridge is gone! ... An Introductory Ceremony
AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him to speak at Guildhall. I must first dine with you, replied he, and see how you open your mouth, that I may know what sort of words will fit it. ... An Irishman's Notion Of Discount
IT chanced, one gloomy day in the month of December, that a good-humored Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a bill of exchange for him at rather a long though not an unusual date; and the merchant having casually remarked that the bill had a... An Irishman's Plea
ARE you guilty, or not guilty? asked the clerk of arraigns of a prisoner the other day. An' sure now, said Pat, what are you put there for but to find that out? ... An Objectionable Process
GENERAL D---- was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain occasion, to the late Chief-Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings he endured from rheumatism, that learne... An Odd Bird
A LATE Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several. He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his surprise, the owl-keeper came up a... An Odd Comparison
SIR WILLIAM B---- being at a parish meeting, made some proposals, which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, Sir, says he to the farmer, do you know, sir, that I have been at the two universities, and at two colleges in each university?--We... An Odd Family
BLAYNEY said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each other, but who happened to have no descendants, that it seemed to be hereditary in their family to have no children. ... An Odd Fellow
LORD WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE was a very singular character, and had more peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the door, he called out in a very loud... An Odd Notion
A LADY the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, Well, Mary, where do you live now?--Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now, rejoined the girl; I am married! ... An Odd Occurrence
AT a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little absent-minded, observed gravely, I have often remarked that there have been more women than men married this year. ... An Odd Question
COUNSELOR RUDD, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of whist, and the dingy color of his linen. My dear Dick, said Curran to him one day, you can't think how puzzled we are to know where you buy all your dirty shirts. ... An Offensive Preference
A PERSON meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead. But, says the other, you find the report false.--'Tis hard to determine, he replied, for the man that told me w... An Old Adage Refuted
A SCHOLAR having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him. Now, says he, the old adage must be false, which saith that the tide tarrieth for no man. ... An Old Joke
AS a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm Alternately turning, and thinking to charm, Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver-- You're my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you're my Liver. Alas! cried the Fair on hi... An Order For Two
AT the last rehearsal of Joanna, Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether Mr. Cumberland was thinking of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, ... An Original Attraction
FOOTE one evening announced, for representation at the Haymarket Theatre, The Fair Penitent, to be performed, for that night only, by a black lady of great accomplishments. ... An Outline
WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered, he did not know, but they had sen... An Ugly Dog
JERROLD had a favorite dog that followed him everywhere. One day in the country, a lady who was passing turned round and said, audibly, What an ugly little brute! whereupon Jerrold, addressing the lady, replied, Oh, madam! I wonder what he thinks ab... An Unanswerable Argument
A WELL-FED rector was advising a poor starving laborer to trust to Providence, and be satisfied with his lot. Ah! replied the needy man, I should be satisfied with his lot if I had it, but I can't get even a little. ... An Unconscious Insult
A FRENCHMAN, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of saying something pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., whose dress was fawn color, and that of her daughter pink, Milady, your daughter is de pink of beauty.--Ah, monsieur,... An Unconscious Postscript
GEORGE SELWYN once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a letter without a postscript. My next letter shall refute you! said Lady G----. Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship, where, after her signature, stood: P.S. Who was... An Unequal Arrangement
TWO young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their expenses, agreed the one to board, and the other to lodge. ... An Unexpected Cannonade
AT one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a gentleman had been plaguing Edward Cannon with a somewhat dry disquisition on the noble art of fencing. Cannon for some time endured it with patience; but at length, on the man remar... An Unfortunate Lover
IT was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss Blagrove; he was answered, He couldn't master her, so he missed her. ... An Unlikely Result
WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him suche poore cheere as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied, Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not misl... An Unre-hearsed Effect
A NOBLE lord, not over courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he arrived at the Porter's Lodge, an empty hearse came by; on which his lordship's antagonist called out to th... An Untaxed Luxury
A LADY having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax on the single state; Yes, madam, rejoined an obstinate old bachelor, as on all other luxuries. ...