Auricular Confession
A CUNNING juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering
the oath, saying, Speak up; I cannot hear what you say.--Stop; are
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Anticipation
LORD AVONDALE, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, Coming through the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and... Any Change For The Better
A VERY plain actor being addressed on the stage, My lord, you change countenance; a young fellow in the pit cried, For heaven's sake, let him! ... Any Port In A Storm
A VERY worthy, though not particularly erudite, under-writer at Lloyd's was conversing one day with a friend on the subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, Do you know that I suspect our ship is in jeopardy?--Well, I am gla... Arcadia
A FARM was lately advertised in a newspaper, in which all the beauty of the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air were detailed in the richest flow of rural description, which was further enhanced with this,--N.B. There is not a... Artificial Heat
THE late Lord Kelly had a very red face. Pray, my lord, said Foote to him, come and look over my garden-wall,--my cucumbers are very backward. ... As Black As He Could Be Painted
A LITTLE boy one day came running home, and said, O father, I've just seen the blackest man that ever was!--How black was he, my son?--O, he was as black as black can be! why, father, charcoal would make a white mark on him! ... As You Like It
AN old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when abroad, because nobody knew him. And he didn't care how he dressed when at home, because everybody knew him. ... Aspiring Poverty
A ROMAN Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be very large, very handsome, and very cheap; the parties purposing to erect being very poor; in fact, having only L----.--Say thirty shil... Assurance And Insurance
STERNE, the author of the Sentimental Journey, who had the credit of treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity: The husband, said he, with amazing assurance, who b... At His Fingers' Ends
I SUPPOSE, said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, that you think me a humbug?--Sir, replied the sick man, I perceive that you can discover a man's thoughts by your touch. ... Attending To A Wish
I WISH you would pay a little attention, sir! exclaimed a stage manager to a careless actor. Well, sir, so I am paying as little as I can! was the calm reply. ... Attired To Tire
SIR JOSEPH JEKYLL wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of King's Bench, where he was engaged in a case:-- Behold the sergeant full of fire, Long shall his ... Auricular Confession
A CUNNING juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering the oath, saying, Speak up; I cannot hear what you say.--Stop; are ... Awkward Orthography
MATHEWS once went to Wakefield, then, from commercial failures, in a dreadful state. In vain did he announce his inimitable Youthful Days; the Yorkshiremen came not. When he progressed to Edinburgh, a friend asked him if he made much money in Wakefi... Axiom)
THIS is a vulgar error, as I'll prove, Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry; 'Tis plain one sixteenth part of Brougham's sense, Equals the whole possessed by L--d--d--y. ... Aye! There's The Rub
A GENTLEMAN, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his o... Bacon
A MALEFACTOR, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a reprieve. To which petition his lordship answered, that he could not possibly be Bacon till he had first been hung. ... Bad Habit
SIR FREDERICK FLOOD had a droll habit, of which he could never effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a moment's reflection, he always repeated the su... Bad Sport
MR. HARE, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visits from bailiffs. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed two of them at the door. Pray, gentl... Balancing Accounts
THEOPHILUS CIBBER, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father for a hundred pounds. Zounds, sir, said Colly, can't you live upon your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my father's money.--But you have spent a great dea... Bark And Bite
LORD CLARE, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. Go on, go on, Mr. Curran, said Lord Clare. O, I beg a thousand pa... Barry's Powers Of Pleasing
SPRANGER BARRY, to his silver-toned voice, added all the powers of persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed some money for work at the Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in demanding payment. Mr. Barry overhearing him, s... Bear And Van
THE facetious Mr. Bearcroft told his friend Mr. Vansittart, Your name is such a long one, I shall drop the sittart, and call you Van for the future.--With all my heart, said he: by the same rule, I shall drop croft, and call you Bear! ... Bearding A Barber
A HIGHLANDER, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having shaved him, asked the price of it. Tippence, said the Highlander. No, no, says the shaver; I'll give you a penn...