Cause And Effect
SIR WILLIAM DAWES, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His
clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady,
he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they
used to be in the time of poor Mary; and, looking extremely sorrowful,
added, with a deep sigh, She was, indeed, Mare Pacificum. A curate,
who pretty well knew what she had been, said, Ay, my lord, but she was
Mare Mortuum first.
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MOLLIS abuti, Has an acuti, No lasso finis, Molli divinis. O mi de armis tres, Imi nadis tres, Cantu disco ver Meas alo ver? ... Byron Libellous
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SAYS Giles, My wife and I are two, Yet, faith, I know not why, sir. Quoth Jack, You're ten, if I speak true; She 's one and you're a cipher. ... Caledonian Comfort
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A STUPID person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures of the table, said, So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge in the greatest delicacies.--Why not, replied the other, do you think Providence intended all the good things for f... Caliban's Looking-glass
A REMARKABLY ugly and disagreeable man sat opposite Jerrold at a dinner-party. Before the cloth was removed, Jerrold accidentally broke a glass. Whereupon the ugly gentleman, thinking to twit his opposite neighbor with great effect, said slily, What... Calumny
GEORGE THE THIRD once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous bon-vivant, They tell me, Sir John, you love a glass of wine.--Those, sire, who have so reported me to your Majesty, answered he, bowing profoundly, do me great injustice; they should have said,--... Cambridge Etiquette
CAMBRIDGE etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam, observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of drowning, What a pity, he exclaimed, that I have no... Candid On Both Sides
I RISE for information, said a member of the legislative body. I am very glad to hear it, said a bystander, for no man wants it more. ... Candor
A NOTORIOUS egotist, indirectly praising himself for a number of good qualities which it was well known he had not, asked Macklin the reason why he should have this propensity of interfering in the good of others when he frequently met with very uns... Canine Poetry
A PRETTY little dog had written on its collar the following distich:-- This collar don't belong to you, sir, Pass on--or you may have one too, sir. The same person might have been the proprietor of another dog, upon whose collar was ins... Cap This
SIR THOMAS MORE, the famous Chancellor, who preserved his humor and wit to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill, the headsman demanded his upper garment as his fee; Ah! friend, said he, taking off his cap, that, I think, is my ... Carrots Classically Considered
WHY scorn red hair? The Greeks, we know (I note it here in charity), Had taste in beauty, and with them The Graces were all [Greek: Charitai]! ... Cash Payments
PETERSON the comedian lent a brother actor two shillings, and when he made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from him, said, Hang it! I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other. Peterson good-humoredly replied, I shall be much obli... Catching Him Up
AN Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, I am eldest, said he, but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall be both of an age. ... Cause And Effect
SIR WILLIAM DAWES, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady, he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they used to be in the time of poor Mary; ... Cause And Effect
IT is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about the cause of liberty, act in so interested a manner that they are evidently looking more after the effects. ... Cause Of Absence
WHEN the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was called on in the Bench, I thought, Mr. Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this case?--Yes, my lord, replied Brougham, ... Certainly Not Asleep
A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?--Pl... Challenging A Jury
AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he objected, he might legally challenge them. Faith, and so I will, replied he; if they do not acquit me ... Change For A Guinea
THE beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a shilling, and inquired of him whether he admired her taste. Why, he said, you will be change for a guinea. ... Changing Hats
BARRY the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were extremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, when they were about to leave the English coffee-house, to exchange hats with him. Barry's was edged with lace, and Nollekens's... Changing His Coat
A WEALTHY merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded, by saying, Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as it is now too late to part them. But t... Changing His Line
A GENTLEMAN, inquiring of Jack Bannister respecting a man who had been hanged, was told that he was dead. And did he continue in the grocery line? said the former. Oh no, replied Jack; he was quite in a different line when he died. ... Characteristics
THE late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a friend with,--It is a very cold morning, doctor.--I don't know that, was the doctor's observation, though h... Charitable Wit
WIT in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody expressed the greatest sympathy. Well, said he, everybody declares he is sorry for her; I am truly sorry--I am sorry ... Charity And Inconvenience
IT is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience. The following anecdote is told in illustration: A late nobleman was walking in St. James's Street, in a hard f... Charity Begins At Home
WELL, neighbor, what's the news this morning? said a gentleman to a friend. I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman.--Just like you! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?--My wife. ... Charles Duke Of Norfolk
IN cleanliness, the Duke was negligent to so great a degree, that he rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and comfort. Nor did he change his linen more frequently than he washed himself. Complaining, one day, to Dudley North, ... Charles Ii And Milton
CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him, and finished a profusion of insults with saying, You old villain! your blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins.--If Providence, replied the venerable bard, has pu...