Extreme Simplicity
A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who
was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common
property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with
the gentleman's glass. That's cool! exclaimed the owner of the wine,
indignantly. Yes, replied the other; I should think there was ice
in it.
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Erudite
A LADY had a favorite lapdog, which she called Perchance. A singular name, said somebody, for a beautiful pet, madam. Where did you find it?--O, drawled she, it was named from Byron's dog. You remember where he says, 'Perchance my dog will howl.' ... Essay On Man
AT ten, a child; at twenty, wild; At thirty, tame, if ever; At forty, wise; at fifty, rich; At sixty, good, or never! ... Euclid Refuted
... Euclid Refuted
A PART, says Euclid, one at once may see, Unto the whole can never equal be; Yet W----'s speeches can this fact control, Of them a part is equal to the whole. ... Ever
yours, S.S. ... Evidence Of A Jockey
THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:--Counsel: What was the height of the horse? Witness: Sixteen feet. Counsel: How old was he? Witness: Six years. Counsel: How high did you say he was? Witness: Sixteen hands. Counsel: You said jus... Exaggeration
A MAN was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. I can discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower.--I don't see it, answered, his comrade; but I hear it running. ... Excusable Fear
A HUSBAND, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by a friend that he was afraid of his wife.--It is not she I am afraid of, replied the husband, it is the noise. ... Excuse For Cowardice
A BRAGGART ran away from battle, and gave as a reason, that a friend had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he attained the age of one hundred. ... Existence Of Matter
AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on the shoulder with his cane. The dea... Expectoration
WE are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of. ... Experimentum Crucis
A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of experimental and natural philosophy, said he considered the first to be asking a man to discount a bill at a long date, and the second his refusing to do it. ... Extenuating Circumstances
A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that he was drunk when he committed the offence. Drunk! exclaimed Lord Hermand, in great indignation; if he cou... Extraordinary Compromise
AT Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. His lordship wants to know... Extreme Simplicity
A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with the gentleman's glass. That's cool! ex... Extremely Sulphurous
LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain termagant and scold was married to a gamester, replied, that cards and brimstone made the best matches. ... Extremes Meet
AN Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, he'd lock him up in the ice-house and warm his jacket. ... Extremes Meet
A CLEVER literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told him he had just had some calf's-tail soup.--Extremes meet sometimes, said Jerrold. ... Fair Play
CURRAN, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. You are so little, said he, that I might fire at you a dozen t... Fairly Won
THE only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham (better known by his nom-de-plume of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow, D----, now a gallant major, he entere... False Delicacy
A PERSON, disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did not like to be thought a scoundrel. I wish, replied Peter, that you had as great a dislike to being a scoundrel. ... False Estimate
KEAN once played Young Norval to Mrs. Siddons's Lady Randolph: after the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting him on the head, said, You have played very well, sir, very well. It's a pity,--but there's too little of yo... False Quantities
A YOUNG man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quantity at the outset of life, can seldom or never get over it. ... False Quantity
A LEARNED counsel in the Exchequer spoke of a nolle prosequi. Consider, sir, said Baron Alderson, that this is the last day of term, and don't make things unnecessarily long. ... Familiarity
A WAITER named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as follows: Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to the Prince of Wales, &c. His Royal Highness ... Family Pride
A YOUNG lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato. John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, There's jist twa in the dish, and they maun be keepit for the strang... Farcical
IN Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of Fire and Water.--I predict its fate, said he. What fate? whispered the anxious author at his side. What fate! said Bannister; why, what can fire and water produce but a hiss? ... Farmer And Attorney
AN opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a lawsuit, but was told he could not undertake it, being already engaged on the other side; at the same time he gave him a letter of recommendation to a professional friend. The farmer, out of curiosity...