False Delicacy
A PERSON, disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did
not like to be thought a scoundrel. I wish, replied Peter, that you
had as great a dislike to being a scoundrel.
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Excuse For Cowardice
A BRAGGART ran away from battle, and gave as a reason, that a friend had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he attained the age of one hundred. ... Existence Of Matter
AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on the shoulder with his cane. The dea... Expectoration
WE are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of. ... Experimentum Crucis
A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of experimental and natural philosophy, said he considered the first to be asking a man to discount a bill at a long date, and the second his refusing to do it. ... Extenuating Circumstances
A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that he was drunk when he committed the offence. Drunk! exclaimed Lord Hermand, in great indignation; if he cou... Extraordinary Compromise
AT Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. His lordship wants to know... Extreme Simplicity
A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with the gentleman's glass. That's cool! ex... Extremely Sulphurous
LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain termagant and scold was married to a gamester, replied, that cards and brimstone made the best matches. ... Extremes Meet
AN Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, he'd lock him up in the ice-house and warm his jacket. ... Extremes Meet
A CLEVER literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told him he had just had some calf's-tail soup.--Extremes meet sometimes, said Jerrold. ... Fair Play
CURRAN, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. You are so little, said he, that I might fire at you a dozen t... Fairly Won
THE only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham (better known by his nom-de-plume of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow, D----, now a gallant major, he entere... False Delicacy
A PERSON, disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did not like to be thought a scoundrel. I wish, replied Peter, that you had as great a dislike to being a scoundrel. ... False Estimate
KEAN once played Young Norval to Mrs. Siddons's Lady Randolph: after the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting him on the head, said, You have played very well, sir, very well. It's a pity,--but there's too little of yo... False Quantities
A YOUNG man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quantity at the outset of life, can seldom or never get over it. ... False Quantity
A LEARNED counsel in the Exchequer spoke of a nolle prosequi. Consider, sir, said Baron Alderson, that this is the last day of term, and don't make things unnecessarily long. ... Familiarity
A WAITER named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as follows: Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to the Prince of Wales, &c. His Royal Highness ... Family Pride
A YOUNG lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato. John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, There's jist twa in the dish, and they maun be keepit for the strang... Farcical
IN Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of Fire and Water.--I predict its fate, said he. What fate? whispered the anxious author at his side. What fate! said Bannister; why, what can fire and water produce but a hiss? ... Farmer And Attorney
AN opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a lawsuit, but was told he could not undertake it, being already engaged on the other side; at the same time he gave him a letter of recommendation to a professional friend. The farmer, out of curiosity... Fashion And Virtue
WHAT'S fashionable, I'll maintain Is always right, cries sprightly Jane; Ah! would to Heaven, cries graver Sue, What's right were fashionable too. ... Fat And Lean
A MAN, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage, that, though taken in great quantities, it always made him fat. I have seen the time, said another, when it made you lean,--When? I should be glad to know, inquired the eulogist. Why, no l... Fatigue Duty
A CERTAIN reverend gentleman in the country was complaining to another that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. Oh! said the other, I preach twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it. ... Fear Of Educating Women
THERE is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet. ...