Flying Colors
SIR GODFREY KNELLER latterly painted more for profit than for praise,
and is said to have used some whimsical preparations in his colors,
which made them work fair and smoothly off, but not endure. A friend,
noticing it to him, said, What do you think posterity will say, Sir
Godfrey Kneller, when they see these pictures some years hence?--Say!
replied the artist: why, they'll say Sir Godfrey Kneller never
painted them!
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Farmer And Attorney
AN opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a lawsuit, but was told he could not undertake it, being already engaged on the other side; at the same time he gave him a letter of recommendation to a professional friend. The farmer, out of curiosity... Fashion And Virtue
WHAT'S fashionable, I'll maintain Is always right, cries sprightly Jane; Ah! would to Heaven, cries graver Sue, What's right were fashionable too. ... Fat And Lean
A MAN, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage, that, though taken in great quantities, it always made him fat. I have seen the time, said another, when it made you lean,--When? I should be glad to know, inquired the eulogist. Why, no l... Fatigue Duty
A CERTAIN reverend gentleman in the country was complaining to another that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. Oh! said the other, I preach twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it. ... Fear Of Educating Women
THERE is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet. ... Feeling His Way
UNCLE, said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him rather sparingly with pocket-money), is the Queen's head still on the sovereign?--Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask that?--Because it is now such a length of time sinc... Female Talkers
IT was customary in some parish churches for the men to be placed on one side, and the women on the other. A clergyman, in the midst of his sermon, found himself interrupted by the talking of some of the congregation, of which he was obliged to take... Few Friends
A NOBLEMAN, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, to whom he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A ragged old woman, going round to the other side of the carri... Fiction And Truth
WALLER, the poet, who was bred at King's College, wrote a fine panegyric on Cromwell, when he assumed the protectorship. Upon the restoration of Charles, Waller wrote another in praise of him, and presented it to the king in person. After his majest... Fighting By Measure
THE usual place of resort for Dublin duellists was called the Fifteen Acres. An attorney of that city, in penning a challenge, thought most likely he was drawing a lease, and invited his antagonist to meet him at the place called Fifteen Acres--'be ... Filial Affection
TWO ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the door, and exclaimed Hurry, mother, and call her a thief before she calls you one. ... Fire And Water
PADDY being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should as soon think of attempting to light a cigar at a pump. ... Fishing For A Compliment
A YOUNG man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait the hook for him. I hope, sir, I d... Fishy Rather
LORD ELLENBOROUGH, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his carriage at Charing Cross, and said, It occurs to me that they sell the best herrings in London at that shop. Buy six. ... Flattery Turned To Advantage
A DEPENDANT was praising his patron for many virtues which he did not possess. I will do all in my power to prevent you lying, answered he. ... Flying Colors
SIR GODFREY KNELLER latterly painted more for profit than for praise, and is said to have used some whimsical preparations in his colors, which made them work fair and smoothly off, but not endure. A friend, noticing it to him, said, What do you thi... Following A Leader
FRANKLIN, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed, determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little ch... Foote
AN artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a foolish scrape about the antiquity of family with another artist, who gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable time. Forfeit! Forfeit! said Foote, why... Foote And Lord Townsend
FOOTE, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his lordship to fight, when he might have effected ... Foote's Last Joke
WHEN Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The true English cook boasted that she had never set foot out of her country. On this, the invalid gravely o... Footiana
FOOTE praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been at Cork. No, sir, replied Foote; but I have seen many drawings of it. ... Foraging
DURING the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it was said to be part of the stage directions,--Enter the Red Coat: Exeunt Hat and Cloak. ... Force Of Habit
A SERVANT of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to report the state of her health, how she had slept, &c., with strict injunctions always to add, with her compliments... Force Of Nature
S----'S head appears to be placed in most accurate conformity with the law of nature, in obedience to which that which is most empty is generally uppermost. ... Fortunate Stars
MY stars! cried a courtier, with stars and lace twirled, What homage we nobles command in the world! True, my lord, said a wag, though the world has its jars, Some people owe much to their fortunate stars! ... French Language
WHEN some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of a language which has but one word for liking and loving, and puts a fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:... French Precipitation
THE late Mr. Petion, who was sent over into this country to acquire a knowledge of our criminal law, is said to have declared himself thoroughly informed upon the subject, after remaining precisely two-and-thirty minutes in the Old Bailey. ... Full Inside
CHARLES LAMB, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently looked in and politely asked, All full inside?--I don't know how it may be, sir, with the other passengers, answer... Full Proof
LORD PETERBOROUGH was once taken by the mob for the great Duke of Marlborough (who was then in disgrace with them); and being about to be roughly treated, said,--Gentlemen, I can convince you by two reasons that I am not the Duke of Marlborough. In ... Funeral Invitation
SIR BOYLE ROACH had a servant who was as great an original as his master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the purpose of telling him that the time at wh...