Good Advice
NEVER confide in a young man,--new pails leak. Never tell your secret to
the aged,--old doors seldom shut closely.
More
-
Gently Jemmy
SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The horse became restive. Gently, Jemmy, says the doctor, don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let me down, Jemmy. Once on terra-firma, th... Genuine Laziness
A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have been at work. What is this? cried the youth; why, me, you are so indolent, that I would give a crown to know which ... George Ii And The Recorder
WHEN that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being present; till, the dispute growing very... George Selwyn
THIS gentleman, travelling in a stage-coach, was interrupted by the frequent impertinence of a companion, who was constantly teazing him with questions and asking him how he did. How are you now, sir? said the impertinent. George, in order to get ri... Getting A Living
THE late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; at the same time a young curate, calling out Lie still, your Grace; leaped over him, and pursued his sport. On being assisted to remount by his attendants, the duke said, That young ma... Getting The Worst Of It
PORSON was once disputing with an acquaintance, who, getting the worst of it, said, Professor, my opinion of you is most contemptible.--Sir, returned the great Grecian, I never knew an opinion of yours that was not contemptible. ... Gluttons And Epicures
STEPHEN KEMBLE (who was very fat) and Mrs. Esten, were crossing the Frith, when a gale sprang up, which alarmed the passengers. Suppose, Mr. Kemble, said Mrs. Esten; suppose we become food for fishes, which of us two do you think they will eat first... Going From The Point
CURRAN, in describing a speech made by Sergeant Hewitt, said: My learned friend's speech put me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil in domestic use, commonly called an extinguisher. It began at a point, and on it went widening and widening, until ... Going To Extremes
WHEN ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed that they began too late and ended too soon. ... Gone Out
A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town, where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the servant that her master had gone out. O, well, never mind, I'll speak to your mistress.--She's also gone out, sir.... Good Advice
LADY ---- spoke to the butler to be saving of an excellent cask of small beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. I know no method so effectual, my lady, replied the butler, as placing a barrel of good ale by it. ... Good Advice
A YOUNG man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college) being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, If a broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise? After considering for a moment, Advise, sa... Good Advice
NEVER confide in a young man,--new pails leak. Never tell your secret to the aged,--old doors seldom shut closely. ... Good Advice
A PHILOSOPHER being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge, replied, Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread. ... Good At A Pinch
A SEVERE snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks, having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets, snuff-takers were reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and begging from all the neighbors within reach were resorte... Good At The Halt
PETER MACNALLY, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. At the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardor, and when the different volunteer corps were formin... Good Authority
HORNE TOOKE, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. Well, Mr. Tooke, you will have all the blackguards with you to-day.--I am delighted to hear it, sir, and from such ... Good Enough For A Pig
AN IRISH peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical naivete: Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that a pig can require? ... Good Evidence
DID you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats? inquired the counsel. Yes, your honor, was the reply. On what ground did he refuse them? was next asked by the learned counsel. In the back-yard, said Teddy, amidst the laughter of the court. ... Good Eyes
A MAN of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, I love to see her talk. ... Good Hearing
I HEARD last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead, I'm very glad to hear it, too, cries Ned. ... Good News For The Chancellor
WE have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the following piece of intelligence: Yarn has risen one farthing a ... Good Riddance
A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and, addressing himself to the chairman, said, I give you the health, gentlemen all, of the waiter that called my Lord -... Good Sport
A GENTLEMAN on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast. Thirty-three hairs! exclaimed Lord Norbury: zounds, sir! then you must have been firing at a w...