Graceful Excuse
WILLIAM IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with
several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to take away that
marine there, pointing to an empty bottle. Your majesty! inquired a
colonel of marines, do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our
branch of the service?--Yes, replied the monarch, as if a sudden
thought had struck him; I mean to say it has done its duty once, and
is ready to do it again.
More
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Gone Out
A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town, where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the servant that her master had gone out. O, well, never mind, I'll speak to your mistress.--She's also gone out, sir.... Good Advice
LADY ---- spoke to the butler to be saving of an excellent cask of small beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. I know no method so effectual, my lady, replied the butler, as placing a barrel of good ale by it. ... Good Advice
A YOUNG man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college) being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, If a broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise? After considering for a moment, Advise, sa... Good Advice
NEVER confide in a young man,--new pails leak. Never tell your secret to the aged,--old doors seldom shut closely. ... Good Advice
A PHILOSOPHER being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge, replied, Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread. ... Good At A Pinch
A SEVERE snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks, having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets, snuff-takers were reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and begging from all the neighbors within reach were resorte... Good At The Halt
PETER MACNALLY, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. At the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardor, and when the different volunteer corps were formin... Good Authority
HORNE TOOKE, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. Well, Mr. Tooke, you will have all the blackguards with you to-day.--I am delighted to hear it, sir, and from such ... Good Enough For A Pig
AN IRISH peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical naivete: Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that a pig can require? ... Good Evidence
DID you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats? inquired the counsel. Yes, your honor, was the reply. On what ground did he refuse them? was next asked by the learned counsel. In the back-yard, said Teddy, amidst the laughter of the court. ... Good Eyes
A MAN of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, I love to see her talk. ... Good Hearing
I HEARD last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead, I'm very glad to hear it, too, cries Ned. ... Good News For The Chancellor
WE have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the following piece of intelligence: Yarn has risen one farthing a ... Good Riddance
A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and, addressing himself to the chairman, said, I give you the health, gentlemen all, of the waiter that called my Lord -... Good Sport
A GENTLEMAN on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast. Thirty-three hairs! exclaimed Lord Norbury: zounds, sir! then you must have been firing at a w... Graceful Excuse
WILLIAM IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to take away that marine there, pointing to an empty bottle. Your majesty! inquired a colonel of marines, do you compare an empty ... Grafting
VERY dry and pithy too was a legal opinion given to a claimant of the Annandale peerage, who, when pressing the employment of some obvious forgeries, was warned, that if he persevered, nae doot he might be a peer, but it would be a peer o' anither t... Grandiloquence
A BOASTING fellow was asked, Pray, sir, what may your business be?--O, replied the boaster, I am but a cork-cutter: but then it is in a very large way!--Indeed! replied the other; then I presume you are a cutter of bungs? ... Great Cabbage
A FOREIGNER asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a suit of clothes. He replied, twelve yards. Astonished at the quantity, he went to another, who said seven would be quite sufficient. Not thinking of the exorbitancy even of this ... Habeas Corpus Act
BISHOP BURNET relates a curious circumstance respecting the origin of that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. It was carried, says he, by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris were named to be the tellers. Lord Norr... Half-way
A HORSEMAN crossing a moor, asked a countryman, if it was safe riding. Ay, answered the countryman, it is hard enough at the bottom, I'll warrant you; but in half-a-dozen steps the horse sunk up to the girths. You story-telling rascal, you said it w... Hand And Glove
A DYER, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that was all black; Take off your glove, friend, said the judge to him. Put on your spectacles, my lord, answered the dyer. ... Happiness
HAPPINESS grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in strangers' gardens. ... Hard Of Digestion
QUIN had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. While the coffee was getting ready the host showed his guest some natural curiosities, and among the rest an ostrich... Hard-ware
A FEW years ago, when Handel's L'Allegro and Il Penseroso were performed at Birmingham, the passage most admired was,-- Such notes, as warbled to the string, Drew iron tears down Pluto's cheek. The great manufacturers and mechanics of t... Having A Call
MR. DUNLOP, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was expected; and the mistress, thinking that he would be in need of refreshment, proposed that he should take his tea be... He Lies Like Truth
A PERSON who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was asked if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. As a proof of the possibility of it, said he, I have known some negroes that thought as little of a lie or an oath as any Euro... He Who Sung The Lays Of Ancient Rome
LORD MACAULAY, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to a gaping audience. Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to find himself followed by half a sco... Henry Erskine
MR. HENRY ERSKINE (brother of Lord Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being presented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and having made his bow, slipped a shilling into Boswell's hand, whispering that it was for the sight of his bear. ... Henry Erskine
THE late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba--four, a barrister, who dealt in hard words and circumlocutious sentences. Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchief, the former asked the cause. Why, my dear sir, answer...