Picking Pockets
THESE beer-shops, quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt,
Are ruinous,--down with the growers of malt!
Too true, answers Ben, with a shake of the head,
Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead.
That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder,
'Tis nurtured in crime,--'tis concocted in plunder;
In Kent while surrounded by flourishing crops,
I saw a rogue picking a pocket of hops.
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Parliamentary Case
BISHOP ANDREWS, who was master and a great benefactor of Pembroke Hall, was one day at court with Waller the poet, and others. While King James was at dinner, attended by Andrews, Bishop of Winchester, and Neale, Bishop of Durham, his Majesty said t... Parliamentary Reprimand
IN the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost nonchalance he took out his handke... Partnership Dissolved
DR. PARR had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady how the fortune of the game turned, when... Passing The Bottle
FOOTE being in company, and the wine producing more riot than concord, he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle at his antagonist's head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand, he restored the harmony of the comp... Patience
WHEN Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke happening to be very particularly engaged, the Earl was requested to sit down in an ante-room. Garnet upon Job, a book dedicated to the Duke, happened to lie in the window; and his Grac... Patrick Henry
WHEN Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the American Revolution, introduced his celebrated resolution on the Stamp Act into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed, when descanting on the tyranny of the obn... Paying In Kind
A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After he had done so, the counsel remarked, They can't be such a rare breed, as I have some like them in my yard.--Th... Paying In Kind
A CERTAIN Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedroom. In the morning, finding he was charged 2s. in... Pence Table
A SCHOOLBOY going into the village without leave, his master called after him, Where are you going, sir?--I am going to buy a ha'porth of nails.--What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?--For a halfpenny, replied the urchin. ... Perfect Discontent
AN old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. Hang it! said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, she wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon.... Personalities Of Garrick And Quin
WHEN Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortification of Quin, Garrick's chair came up first. Let me get into the chair, cried the surly veteran, let me ge... Pert
MACKLIN was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talking just as the former was about to begin a lecture. Well, sir, you seem to be very merry there; but do you know what I am going to say now? asked Macklin. No, sir, said Foote, pray, do you? ... Pertinent Inquiry
A PERSON addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made him stare, Did you never hear that before? said the narrator. No, says the other: Pray, sir, did you? ... Philip Earl Of Stanhope
PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the Hou... Phillis
Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,-- Then as like as two chips ... Picking Pockets
THESE beer-shops, quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt, Are ruinous,--down with the growers of malt! Too true, answers Ben, with a shake of the head, Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead. That beer breeds dishonesty causes no won... Pickpocketing
THE Baron de Beranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor of being singled out for such an attem... Piece De Resistance
DO come and dine with me, said John to Pat: you must; though I have only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you.--O my dear fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very same I should have had at home, barrin' the beef... Pig-headed
MR. JUSTICE P----, a well-meaning but particularly prosing judge, on one of his country circuits had to try a man for stealing a quantity of copper. In his charge he had frequent occasion to mention the copper, which he uniformly called lead, adding... Plain Enough
A GENTLEMAN, praising the personal charms of a very plain woman in the presence of Foote, the latter said: And why don't you lay claim to such an accomplished beauty?--What right have I to her? exclaimed the gentleman. Every right, by the law of nat... Plain Language
MR. JOHN CLERK, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, In plain English, ma Lords; upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk. The prompt advocate instantly r... Plain Speaking
GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his opinions, he had better suppress them. Had Martin Luther done so, replied the philosopher, your majesty would n... Player Or Lord
ONE day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general murmur of delighted merriment. A nobleman present, who was not distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed: What a pity 'tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow lik... Playing On A Word
LORD ORFORD was present in a large company at dinner, when Bruce, the celebrated traveller, was talking in his usual style of exaggeration. Some one asked him what musical instruments were used in Abyssinia. Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for t... Pleasant
A COUNTRY dentist advertises that he spares no pains to render his operations satisfactory. ... Pleasant Deserts
A CERTAIN physician was so fond of administering medicine, that, seeing all the phials and pill-boxes of his patient completely emptied, and ranged in order on the table, he said, Ah, sir, it gives me pleasure to attend you,--you deserve to be ill. ... Pleasant For A Father
A LAIRD'S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, I am going to send the young laird abroad.--What for? asks the tenant. Laird answered, To see the world. Tenant replied, But lordsake, laird, will no the world see him? ... Pleasant Invitation
SOME years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. I have, says he, a picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day came to see it, and says it is a copy. If any o... Political Corruption
CURRAN, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then called aloud to his neighbors to witness his dirty elevation. ... Political Logic
IF two decided negatives will make Together one affirmative, let's take P----t's and L----t's, each a rogue per se, Who by this rule an honest pair will be. ...