Resignation
AN actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he
came to the often-quoted passage, 'Tis not in mortals to command
success, We'll do more, Sempronius--we'll deserve it, heaved a deep
sigh, and substituted for the last line, We'll do more,
Sempronius,--we'll do without it.
More
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Rather Saucy
YOU had better ask for manners than money, said a finely-dressed gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms. I asked for what I thought you had the most of, was the cutting reply. ... Rather The Worst Half
ON one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half the bed. And why not? said the mother; he's entitled to half, isn't he!--Yes, mother, rejoined her son; but how would... Ready Reckoner
THE Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they were met with the curt reply: Never min... Ready Reply
THE grass-plots in the college courts or quadrangles are not for the unhallowed feet of the under-graduates. Some, however, are hardy enough to venture, in despite of all remonstrance. A master of Trinity had often observed a student of his college ... Ready-made Wood Pavement
WHEN the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:-- Difficulties in the way! Absurd. ... Reason For Going To Church
IT was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more punctual in his prayers. He has a very good reason for it, replied John Wilkes, for, as he never gave a shil... Reason For Thick Ankles
HARRY, I cannot think, says Dick, What makes my ankles grow so thick. You do not recollect, says Harry, How great a calf they have to carry. ... Reasons For Drinking
DR. ALDRICH, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for drinking:-- Good wine, a friend, or being dry, Or lest you should be by and by, Or any other reason why. ... Reciprocal Action
A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth open. Sir, said the doctor, your disease is incurable. Your skin is too short, so that when you shut your e... Recruiting Serjeant And Countryman
A RECRUITING serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,--Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?--Voight for my King, answered Hodge, why, has he fawn out wi' ony body? ... Reformation
JUDGE BURNET, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the Bishop in a very serious humor, What is the matter with you, Tom? said he, what are you ruminating on?--A... Relations Of Mankind
BY what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a ... Reproof
I CAN'T find bread for my family, said a lazy fellow in company. Nor I, replied an industrious miller; I am obliged to work for it. ... Reputation
REPUTATION is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock. ... Resignation
AN actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he came to the often-quoted passage, 'Tis not in mortals to command success, We'll do more, Sempronius--we'll deserve it, heaved a deep sigh, and substituted for the last line, We'... Resting Herself
A LABORER'S daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might rest her bones. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late mistress meeting her, asked her, Well... Reverse Of Circumstances
WHEN General V---- was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with fresh importunities. One morning, a... Rigid Impartiality
SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the Edinburgh Review, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an account of it, and expostulated with him. Why, how do you manage? asked his friend. I never, said the wit, read a boo... Ringing The Changes
AT a tavern one night, Messrs. More, Strange, and Wright Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange: Says More, Of us three, The whole town will agree, There is only one knave, and that's Strange. ... Rogerspoet And Skipper
ROGERS used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new publications must often do as the flea does--skip. ... Rowing In The Same Boat
WE row in the same boat, you know, said a literary friend to Jerrold. This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only. Jerrold replied, True, my good fellow, we do row in the same boat, but with very different skulls. ... Royal Favor
A LOW fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, He bade me stand out of the way. ... Royal Pun
WHEN a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit, his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and affable monarch, looking at his hai... Rum And Water
A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society, being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly answered, To tell you the truth, Mr. ----, I canna' say I'm very fond of rum; for if I tak' mair than six tum'lers, ... Running Accounts
THE valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was desirous of keeping him, said, ... Running No Risk
I'M very much surprised, quoth Harry, That Jane a gambler should marry. I'm not at all, her sister says, You know he has such winning ways! ... Sage Advice
THE advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing him to a regular Tipperary row, was, Wherever you see a head, hit it. ... Sailor's Wedding
A JACK-TAR just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed, N...