Rum And Water
A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society,
being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly
answered, To tell you the truth, Mr. ----, I canna' say I'm very fond
of rum; for if I tak' mair than six tum'lers, it's very apt to gi'e me
a headache.
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Reformation
JUDGE BURNET, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the Bishop in a very serious humor, What is the matter with you, Tom? said he, what are you ruminating on?--A... Relations Of Mankind
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AN actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he came to the often-quoted passage, 'Tis not in mortals to command success, We'll do more, Sempronius--we'll deserve it, heaved a deep sigh, and substituted for the last line, We'... Resting Herself
A LABORER'S daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might rest her bones. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late mistress meeting her, asked her, Well... Reverse Of Circumstances
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SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the Edinburgh Review, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an account of it, and expostulated with him. Why, how do you manage? asked his friend. I never, said the wit, read a boo... Ringing The Changes
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ROGERS used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new publications must often do as the flea does--skip. ... Rowing In The Same Boat
WE row in the same boat, you know, said a literary friend to Jerrold. This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only. Jerrold replied, True, my good fellow, we do row in the same boat, but with very different skulls. ... Royal Favor
A LOW fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, He bade me stand out of the way. ... Royal Pun
WHEN a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit, his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and affable monarch, looking at his hai... Rum And Water
A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society, being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly answered, To tell you the truth, Mr. ----, I canna' say I'm very fond of rum; for if I tak' mair than six tum'lers, ... Running Accounts
THE valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was desirous of keeping him, said, ... Running No Risk
I'M very much surprised, quoth Harry, That Jane a gambler should marry. I'm not at all, her sister says, You know he has such winning ways! ... Sage Advice
THE advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing him to a regular Tipperary row, was, Wherever you see a head, hit it. ... Sailor's Wedding
A JACK-TAR just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed, N... Salad
TO make this condiment your poet begs The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs; Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve, Smoothness and softness to the salad give; Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl, And, half... Salisbury Cathedral Spire
A SEXTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb remarked that they must have been very sharp set. ... Satisfaction
LORD WILLIAM POULAT was said to be the author of a pamphlet called The Snake in the Grass. A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a denial under his own hand. Lord William... Save Us From Our Friends
THE old Scottish hearers were very particular on the subject of their ministers' preaching old sermons; and to repeat a discourse which they could recollect was always made a subject of animadversion by those who heard it. A beadle who was a good de... Saving Time
A CANDIDATE at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said, Electors of G----, all that he has said I will do. ... Scandalous
IT was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other person's tables, that he never opened his mouth but at another man's expense. ... Scotch Penetration
AN old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the Great Unknown had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by the author of Waverley. On Scott endeavoring to conceal the authorship, the old dame protested, D'ye think, s... Scotch Simplicity
AT Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a clanking noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her bedside, who said to her, Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to Heeven, an' gin you should see our folks, ye can tell them ...