Short Stories
SIR WALTER SCOTT once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for
him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the
laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's
Dictionary. Well, Mr. ----, said Sir Walter, how do you like your
book?--They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter, replied the laird;
but they're unco' short.
More
-
Setting Him Up To Knock Him Down
TOM MOORE, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies, inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it was they said of him. Why, the taller one observed that she was delighted to have had the pleasure of seei... Setting Up And Sitting Down
SWIFT was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, I would have you to know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit.--Do you, indeed, replied the Dean; Then take my advice, and sit down aga... Severe
A LADY asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called she. The son of Neptune replied that it was because the rigging cost more than the hull. ... Severe Rebuke
SIR WILLIAM B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, Sir, said he to the farmer, do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges in each university?--Well, sir, repli... Shakespeare Illustrated
DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. I never see those men together, said he, but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's comedy, Measure for Measure! ... Shakespearian Grog
AS for the brandy, nothing extenuate,--and the water, put naught in, in malice. ... Shaking Hands
AT a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatants should shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary,--For, said he, their hands have been shak... Sharp Boy
A MOTHER admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him he should never defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The little urchin replied, Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the plum-pudding to-night. ... Sharp If Not Pleasant
AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?--Ay, sir, says the boy, better than you, or I'd wring his head off. ... Sheridan And Burke
AFTER a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house, exclaiming with much vehemence, I quit the camp! I quit the camp!--I hope, said Mr. Sheridan, as the ho... Sheridan Convivial
LORD BYRON notes: What a wreck is Sheridan! and all from bad pilotage; for no one had ever better gales, though now and then a little squally. Poor dear Sherry! I shall never forget the day he, and Rogers, and Moore, and I passed together, when he t... Short And Sharp
WHY, Mr. B., said a tall youth to a little person who was in company with half-a-dozen huge men, I protest you are so very small I did not see you before. Very likely, replied the little gentleman; I am like a sixpence among six copper pennies,--... Short Commons
AT a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: Wanted, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family. ... Short Measure
SOME one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, A.S. A wag wrote underneath, Two-thirds of the truth. ... Short Stories
SIR WALTER SCOTT once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's Dictionary. Well, Mr. ----, said Sir Walter... Short-sighted
DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than that bottle.--I do not wonder at it at all, sir, replied a... Should Not Silence Give Consent?
A LAIRD of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a proposal was made to erect a new churchyard wall. He met the proposition with the dry remark, I never big dykes till the tenants complain. ... Sign Of Being Cracked
IN a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the street as rubbish. I doubt, said t... Silent Appreciation
A GENTLEMAN gave a friend some first-rate wine, which he tasted and drank, making no remark upon it. The owner, disgusted at his guest's want of appreciation, next offered some strong but inferior wine, which the guest had no sooner tasted than he e... Simple Division
WHEN the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the chancellor asked him, How many legs has a sheep?--Does your lordship mean, answered Lord Bradford, a live shee... Simplicity Of The Learned Porson
THE great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and Tom Sheridan once kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by fixing the weathercock in that direction. ... Sinking The Well
THEODORE HOOK once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. What are you about? he inquired. Boring for water, sir, was the answer. Water's a bore at any time, responded Hook; besides, you're quite wrong; remember the old proverb,--'Let well alo... Sir Anthony Malone
LORD MANSFIELD used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his profession, and so well skilled in the ... Sir Thomas Coulson
SIR THOMAS COULSON being present with a friend at the burning of Drury Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where the fire had been extinguished, remarked that they were ingens cui lumen adeptum. ... Sir Walter Scott And Constable
SCOTT is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened Kenilworth, which Scott named Cumnor Hall. John Ballantyne objected to the former title, and told Constable the result wou... Sir Walter Scott's Parritch-pan
IN the museum at Abbotsford there is a small Roman patera, or goblet, in showing which Sir Walter Scott tells the following story: I purchased this (says he) at a nobleman's roup near by, at the enormous sum of twenty-five guineas. I would have got ... Slack Payment
EXAMINING a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked, Did he not give you the coals, friend?--He did, sir, but----But what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment slack? ... Sleeping At Church
DR. SOUTH, when once preaching before Charles II., observed that the monarch and his attendants began to nod, and some of them soon after snored, on which he broke off in his sermon, and said: Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; y...