Sir Anthony Malone
LORD MANSFIELD used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his
fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some
years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his
profession, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no
person ever entertained the least doubt of the validity of a title that
had undergone his inspection; on which account he was generally applied
less singular than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention
of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself,
that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive
examination of the writings for which he was celebrated, in one of which
he lost property to the amount of three thousand pounds a year.
Disturbed by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to
purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writings to his
principal clerk, who made a correct transcript of them; this transcript
was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with
it, which was regularly charged to him by the clerk. Sir Anthony then
went over the deeds with his accustomed accuracy and discernment, and
never after that was possessed of a bad title.
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Sermons In Stones
THE Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob, continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadilly. Strange that the Duke will not renounce his political errors, said A'Beckett, seeing that no pains have been spa... Servants
IT was an observation of Elwes, the noted miser, that if you keep one servant your work will be done; if you keep two, it will be half done; and if you keep three, you will have to do it yourself. ... Setting Him Up To Knock Him Down
TOM MOORE, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies, inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it was they said of him. Why, the taller one observed that she was delighted to have had the pleasure of seei... Setting Up And Sitting Down
SWIFT was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, I would have you to know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit.--Do you, indeed, replied the Dean; Then take my advice, and sit down aga... Severe
A LADY asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called she. The son of Neptune replied that it was because the rigging cost more than the hull. ... Severe Rebuke
SIR WILLIAM B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, Sir, said he to the farmer, do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges in each university?--Well, sir, repli... Shakespeare Illustrated
DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. I never see those men together, said he, but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's comedy, Measure for Measure! ... Shakespearian Grog
AS for the brandy, nothing extenuate,--and the water, put naught in, in malice. ... Shaking Hands
AT a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatants should shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary,--For, said he, their hands have been shak... Sharp Boy
A MOTHER admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him he should never defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The little urchin replied, Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the plum-pudding to-night. ... Sharp If Not Pleasant
AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?--Ay, sir, says the boy, better than you, or I'd wring his head off. ... Sheridan And Burke
AFTER a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house, exclaiming with much vehemence, I quit the camp! I quit the camp!--I hope, said Mr. Sheridan, as the ho... Sheridan Convivial
LORD BYRON notes: What a wreck is Sheridan! and all from bad pilotage; for no one had ever better gales, though now and then a little squally. Poor dear Sherry! I shall never forget the day he, and Rogers, and Moore, and I passed together, when he t... Short And Sharp
WHY, Mr. B., said a tall youth to a little person who was in company with half-a-dozen huge men, I protest you are so very small I did not see you before. Very likely, replied the little gentleman; I am like a sixpence among six copper pennies,--... Short Commons
AT a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: Wanted, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family. ... Short Measure
SOME one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, A.S. A wag wrote underneath, Two-thirds of the truth. ... Short Stories
SIR WALTER SCOTT once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's Dictionary. Well, Mr. ----, said Sir Walter... Short-sighted
DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than that bottle.--I do not wonder at it at all, sir, replied a... Should Not Silence Give Consent?
A LAIRD of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a proposal was made to erect a new churchyard wall. He met the proposition with the dry remark, I never big dykes till the tenants complain. ... Sign Of Being Cracked
IN a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the street as rubbish. I doubt, said t... Silent Appreciation
A GENTLEMAN gave a friend some first-rate wine, which he tasted and drank, making no remark upon it. The owner, disgusted at his guest's want of appreciation, next offered some strong but inferior wine, which the guest had no sooner tasted than he e... Simple Division
WHEN the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the chancellor asked him, How many legs has a sheep?--Does your lordship mean, answered Lord Bradford, a live shee... Simplicity Of The Learned Porson
THE great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and Tom Sheridan once kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by fixing the weathercock in that direction. ... Sinking The Well
THEODORE HOOK once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. What are you about? he inquired. Boring for water, sir, was the answer. Water's a bore at any time, responded Hook; besides, you're quite wrong; remember the old proverb,--'Let well alo... Sir Anthony Malone
LORD MANSFIELD used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his profession, and so well skilled in the ... Sir Thomas Coulson
SIR THOMAS COULSON being present with a friend at the burning of Drury Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where the fire had been extinguished, remarked that they were ingens cui lumen adeptum. ... Sir Walter Scott And Constable
SCOTT is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened Kenilworth, which Scott named Cumnor Hall. John Ballantyne objected to the former title, and told Constable the result wou... Sir Walter Scott's Parritch-pan
IN the museum at Abbotsford there is a small Roman patera, or goblet, in showing which Sir Walter Scott tells the following story: I purchased this (says he) at a nobleman's roup near by, at the enormous sum of twenty-five guineas. I would have got ... Slack Payment
EXAMINING a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked, Did he not give you the coals, friend?--He did, sir, but----But what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment slack? ... Sleeping At Church
DR. SOUTH, when once preaching before Charles II., observed that the monarch and his attendants began to nod, and some of them soon after snored, on which he broke off in his sermon, and said: Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; y... Sleeping Round
THE celebrated Quin had this faculty. What sort of a morning is it, John?--Very wet, sir.--Any mullet in the market?--No, sir.--Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow. So saying, he composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the ennui of a d... Small Talk
FUSELI had a great dislike to common-place observations. After sitting perfectly quiet for a long time in his own room, during the bald disjointed chat of some idle visitors, who were gabbling with one another about the weather, and other topics of ... Small Wit
SIR GEORGE BEAUMONT once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing the dish towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped himself to an immense piece of it. Pray, ... Smart Reply
SOME schoolboys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to her, Good morning, mother of asses.--Good morning, my child, was the reply. ... Smoking An Mp
AN honorable member, speaking about the tax on tobacco, somewhat ludicrously called for certain returns. ... Smoothing It Down
A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, You are writing my bill on very rough paper, sir.--Never mind, was the reply of the latter, it has to be filed before it comes into court. ... Snoring
A CERTAIN deacon being accustomed to snore while asleep in church, he received the following polite note: Deacon ---- is requested not to commence snoring to-morrow until the sermon is begun, as some persons in the neighborhood of his pew would like... Snug Lying
A VISITOR at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be buried in the churchyard there, because it was so healthy. ... Soft Very!
SOME one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester ... Soldiers' Wives
THE late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation. But, said the housekeeper, I am afraid she will not suit your royal highness, as she is a soldier's wife, a... Solomon's Temple
WHEN Reginald Heber read his prize poem of Palestine to Sir Walter Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's Temple, one striking circumstance had escaped him; namely, that no tools were used in its erection. Reginald retired for a... Something For Dr Darwin
SIR WATKIN WILLIAMS WYNNE talking to a friend about the antiquity of his family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere mushroom of yesterday. How so, pray? said the baronet. Why, continued the other, when I was in Wales, a pedigre... Something Lacking
HOOK was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, WARREN'S B----, was puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. 'Tis lacking that should follow, observed Hook, in explan... Something Like An Insult
THE late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. I believe, said his lordship, you are a very great rogue.--Not so great a rogue as you my lord,--t-t-t-take me to be. ... Something Sharp
WHEN we heard ---- say a thing of some acidity the other night in the House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's head with ... Something To Be Grateful For
LORD ALVANLEY, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, My Lord, I only took you to-- Alvanley interru... Something To Be Proud Of
SHERIDAN was once talking to a friend about the Prince Regent, who took great credit to himself for various public measures, as if they had been directed by his political skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity. But, said Sheridan, what his Roy... Something To Pocket
A DIMINUTIVE lawyer appearing as witness in one of the Courts, was asked by a gigantic counsellor what profession he was of; and having replied that he was an attorney,--You a lawyer! said Brief; why I could put you in my pocket.--Very likely you ma...