The Candle And Lantern
DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the
University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some
difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his
opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had
previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, He! if he were to descend
into the patient's stomach with a candle and lantern, when he ascended
he would not be able to name the complaint.
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Taking A Hint
THE Bishop preached: My friends, said he, How sweet a thing is charity, The choicest gem in virtue's casket! It is, indeed, sighed miser B., And instantly I'll go and--ask it. ... Taking His Measure
A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big places. An' whaur come ye frae yersel... Tall And Short
AT an evening party, Jerrold was looking at the dancers. Seeing a very tall gentleman waltzing with a remarkably short lady, he said to a friend at hand, Humph! there's the mile dancing with the mile-stone. ... Tell It Not In England
LADY CARTERET, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time, one day said to the wit, The air of this country is very good.--Don't say so in England, my lady, quickly replied the dean, for if you do they will certainly tax it. ... Telling One's Age
A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: Alas! I am near thirty. A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: Do not fret at it, madam; for you will get further from that frightful epoch every day. ... Temperance Cruets
THE late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club, restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was designated an incorporated temperance society. The late Sir William Aylett, a grumbling member of the Union, and a tw... The Abbey Church At Bath
THESE walls, so full of monuments and bust, Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust. ... The Aged Young Lady
AN old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said that she was but forty years old. A student who sat near observed, that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the last ten years. MLXXXVI--KE... The Amende Honorable
QUOTH Will, On that young servant-maid My heart its life-string stakes. Quite safe! cries Dick, don't be afraid, She pays for all she breaks. ... The Anglo-french Alliance
JERROLD was in France, and with a Frenchman who was enthusiastic on the subject of the Anglo-French alliance. He said that he was proud to see the English and French such good friends at last. Tut! the best thing I know between France and England is... The Angry Ocean
MOTHER, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what makes the ocean get angry?--Because it has been crossed so often, my son. ... The Best Judge
A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:-- My dear, you certainly want some new trousers.--No, I think not, replied the husband. Well, Jerrold interposed, I think the lady who always wears them ought to know. ... The Best Wine
SHERIDAN being asked what wine he liked best, replied, The wine of other people. ... The Birth Of A Prince
JERROLD was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a prince. How they do powder these babies! Jerrold exclaimed. ... The Bishop And His Portmanteau
THE other day, a certain bishop lost his portmanteau. The circumstance has given rise to the following:-- I have lost my portmanteau-- I pity your grief; It contained all my sermons-- I pity the thief. ... The Candle And Lantern
DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the med... The Cart Before The Horse
A JUDGE asked a man what age he was. I am eight and fourscore, my lord, says he. And why not fourscore and eight? says the judge. Because, replied he, I was eight before I was fourscore. ... The Cause
LISETTE has lost her wanton wiles-- What secret care consumes her youth, And circumscribes her smiles? A speck on a front tooth. ... The Church In The Way
DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church, which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct road to a new bridge. You are taking, ... The College Bell!
AT a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each gentleman should toast his favorite Belle. When it came to the turn of Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the quorum) to be called on for the name of the fair object of his a... The Connoisseur
A PERSON to whom the curiosities, buildings, &c., in Oxford were shown one very hot day, was asked by his companion if he would see the remainder of the University. My dear sir, replied the connoisseur, I am stone blind already. ... The Cut Direct
A GENTLEMAN having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator how he would have it done?--If possible, replied the gentleman, in silence. ... The Cut Infernal
SAID Wetherall the other night Of ----: He's the silliest elf I ever knew. Sir Charles was right, For no one ever knows himself. ... The Dancing Prelates
SCALIGER doth the curious fact advance, The early bishops used to join the dance, And winding, turning ----s shows us yet, That Bishops still know how to pirouette. ... The Debt Paid
To John I owed great obligation, But John, unhappily, thought fit To publish it to all the nation; Sure John and I are more than quit. ... The Debt Paid
TO John I owed great obligation; But John, unhappily, thought fit To publish it to all the nation: Sure John and I am more than quit. ... The Devil's Own
AT a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight through. This being reported to Lord B----, he remarked, that the lawyers always went through thick and thin. ... The Direct Road
WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: Can you tell us the way to the 'Judge and Jury?' (a place of low entertainment). Keep on as you are, young gentleman, was the rep... The Doctrine Of Chances
LORD KAMES used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The ... The Dog Tax
BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold remarked to Brown, Have you heard the rumor that's flying about town?--No.--Well, they say that Jones pay...