The Direct Road
WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young
gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: Can you tell us the
way to the 'Judge and Jury?' (a place of low entertainment). Keep on
as you are, young gentleman, was the reply, you're sure to overtake
them.
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The Bishop And His Portmanteau
THE other day, a certain bishop lost his portmanteau. The circumstance has given rise to the following:-- I have lost my portmanteau-- I pity your grief; It contained all my sermons-- I pity the thief. ... The Candle And Lantern
DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the med... The Cart Before The Horse
A JUDGE asked a man what age he was. I am eight and fourscore, my lord, says he. And why not fourscore and eight? says the judge. Because, replied he, I was eight before I was fourscore. ... The Cause
LISETTE has lost her wanton wiles-- What secret care consumes her youth, And circumscribes her smiles? A speck on a front tooth. ... The Church In The Way
DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church, which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct road to a new bridge. You are taking, ... The College Bell!
AT a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each gentleman should toast his favorite Belle. When it came to the turn of Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the quorum) to be called on for the name of the fair object of his a... The Connoisseur
A PERSON to whom the curiosities, buildings, &c., in Oxford were shown one very hot day, was asked by his companion if he would see the remainder of the University. My dear sir, replied the connoisseur, I am stone blind already. ... The Cut Direct
A GENTLEMAN having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator how he would have it done?--If possible, replied the gentleman, in silence. ... The Cut Infernal
SAID Wetherall the other night Of ----: He's the silliest elf I ever knew. Sir Charles was right, For no one ever knows himself. ... The Dancing Prelates
SCALIGER doth the curious fact advance, The early bishops used to join the dance, And winding, turning ----s shows us yet, That Bishops still know how to pirouette. ... The Debt Paid
To John I owed great obligation, But John, unhappily, thought fit To publish it to all the nation; Sure John and I are more than quit. ... The Debt Paid
TO John I owed great obligation; But John, unhappily, thought fit To publish it to all the nation: Sure John and I am more than quit. ... The Devil's Own
AT a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight through. This being reported to Lord B----, he remarked, that the lawyers always went through thick and thin. ... The Direct Road
WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: Can you tell us the way to the 'Judge and Jury?' (a place of low entertainment). Keep on as you are, young gentleman, was the rep... The Doctrine Of Chances
LORD KAMES used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The ... The Dog Tax
BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold remarked to Brown, Have you heard the rumor that's flying about town?--No.--Well, they say that Jones pay... The Doubt Explained
A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, You are always making observations upon my nose; perhaps you think it was made at the expense of yours. ... The Duke Of Wellington And The Aurist
ON one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A----, who asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so painful to him. He said, in reply, that t... The Empty Gun
AS Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage, And, face to face, the noisy contest wage; Don't cock your chin at me, Dick smartly cries. Fear not--his head's not charged, a friend replies. ... The Fire Of London
ONE speaking of the fire of London, said, Cannon Street roared, Bread Street was burnt to a crust, Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Addle Hill staggered, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, Distaff Lane had sprung a fine thread, Ironmonger... The Fool Or Knave
THY praise or dispraise is to me alike; One doth not stroke me, nor the other strike. ... The Force Of Habit
A TOPING bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W. Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, How will you have it? replied, Cold, without sugar. ... The Force Of Satire
JACOB JOHNSON, the publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of money for a work upon which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent a message to him, and the following lines, adding, Tell the dog that he who wrote these can write more:-- ... The Gentleman Has Brought Us The _knife_ But
where is the fork? ... The Gouty Shoe
JAMES SMITH used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the pleasure-grounds:-- Stroll! why, don... The Grandson
HORACE WALPOLE, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics of Queen Anne, as at the time he spoke, under the reign of George the Third. But, added he, there is nothing new un...