Ugly Trades
THE ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a
grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for
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Truth Not Always To Be Spoken
IF a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street. ... Truth Not To Be Spoken At All Times
GARRICK was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttelton said to Garrick, They will hear you are in the neighborhood, and will ask you to write an address to the Birmingham audien... Truth _versus_ Politeness
AT a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was presiding Hoped the tea was good.--Very good, indeed, madam, was the general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who, between truth and politeness observed, That th... Trying To The Temper
LORD ALLEN, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed: I never put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of the blade.--No doubt of it, replied Rogers; show me the blade that is not out of temper when plunged into hot water.... Twice Ruined
I NEVER was ruined but twice, said a wit; once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one. ... Two Carriages
TWO ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune. You are to consider, miss, said the brewer's daughter, that my papa keeps a coach.--Very true, miss, said the other, an... Two Cures For Ague
BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were, after all, of the same flesh and blood as... Two Make A Pair
SOON after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III., the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure alehouse: Here is to be seen the fork belonging to the knife with which Margaret Nicholson attempted to stab the King... Two Of A Trade
WHEN Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared at Covent Garden, Why, said Charles, he may be Robin Hood this season, but he will be robbing Harris (the manager) the next. ... Two Sides To A Speech
CHARLES LAMB sitting next some chattering woman at dinner, observing he didn't attend to her, You don't seem, said the lady, to be at all the better for what I am saying to you!--No, ma'am, he answered, but this gentleman on the other side of me mus... Twofold Illustration
SIR FLETCHER NORTON was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial right, he chanced unfortunately to say, My lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant in my own person: I myself have two li... Typographical Wit
HO! Tommy, bawls Type, to a brother in trade, The ministry are to be changed, it is said. That's good, replied Tom, but it better would be With a trifling erratum.--What?--Dele the c. ... Ugly Trades
THE ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for ... Uncivil Warning
A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitant of boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, Parsley,--fatal to parrots. ... Union Is Strength
A KIND-HEARTED, but somewhat weak-headed, parishioner in the far north got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the minister, who happened on that day to be rather behind time. Come down, Jamie, said the minister, that's my place.-... Union Of Opposites
A PHRENOLOGIST remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, that doubtless those were the persons who would kill one with kindness. ... Unkind
PRAY, sir, said Lady Wallace to David Hume, I am often asked what age I am; what answer should I make? Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her ladyship's meaning, said, Madam, when you are asked that question again, answer that you are not yet come to th... Unknown Tongue
DURING the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to the kirk, the one said to the other, Was it no a wonderfu' thing that the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?--Not a bit, said the other old lady, dinna ye ken... Unpoetical Reply
A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over him. He replied, Wet, ma'am,--very wet. ... Unreasonable
TOM, said a colonel to one of his men, how can so good and brave a soldier as you get drunk so often?--Colonel, replied he, how can you expect all the virtues that adorn the human character for sixpence a-day? ... Unremitting Kindness
CALL that a kind man, said an actor, speaking of an absent acquaintance; a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a farthing! Call that kindness? Yes, unremitting kindness, Jerrold replied. ... Unwelcome Agreement
A POMPOUS parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a chubby-faced lad who was passing him without moving his hat. Do you know who I am, sir, that you pass me in that unmannerly way? You are better fed than taught, I think, sir.--Whew, ... Up And Down
AT the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same case a short time after his lords... Up In The World
A FELLOW boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father died in an exalted situation. Some of the company looking incredulous, another observed, I can bear testimony to the gentleman's veracity, as my father was sheriff for the coun...