Up And Down
AT the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size
as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of
Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same
case a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was
acquainted personally with the Irish bar. Mr. Collis was opening the
motion, when Lord R. observed, Mr. Collis, when a barrister addresses
the court, he must stand.--I am standing on the bench, my lord, said
Collis. I beg a thousand pardons, replied his lordship, somewhat
confused; sit down, Mr. Mahaffy.--I am sitting, my lord, was the
reply to the confounded Chancellor.
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Two Carriages
TWO ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune. You are to consider, miss, said the brewer's daughter, that my papa keeps a coach.--Very true, miss, said the other, an... Two Cures For Ague
BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were, after all, of the same flesh and blood as... Two Make A Pair
SOON after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III., the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure alehouse: Here is to be seen the fork belonging to the knife with which Margaret Nicholson attempted to stab the King... Two Of A Trade
WHEN Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared at Covent Garden, Why, said Charles, he may be Robin Hood this season, but he will be robbing Harris (the manager) the next. ... Two Sides To A Speech
CHARLES LAMB sitting next some chattering woman at dinner, observing he didn't attend to her, You don't seem, said the lady, to be at all the better for what I am saying to you!--No, ma'am, he answered, but this gentleman on the other side of me mus... Twofold Illustration
SIR FLETCHER NORTON was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial right, he chanced unfortunately to say, My lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant in my own person: I myself have two li... Typographical Wit
HO! Tommy, bawls Type, to a brother in trade, The ministry are to be changed, it is said. That's good, replied Tom, but it better would be With a trifling erratum.--What?--Dele the c. ... Ugly Trades
THE ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for ... Uncivil Warning
A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitant of boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, Parsley,--fatal to parrots. ... Union Is Strength
A KIND-HEARTED, but somewhat weak-headed, parishioner in the far north got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the minister, who happened on that day to be rather behind time. Come down, Jamie, said the minister, that's my place.-... Union Of Opposites
A PHRENOLOGIST remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, that doubtless those were the persons who would kill one with kindness. ... Unkind
PRAY, sir, said Lady Wallace to David Hume, I am often asked what age I am; what answer should I make? Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her ladyship's meaning, said, Madam, when you are asked that question again, answer that you are not yet come to th... Unknown Tongue
DURING the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to the kirk, the one said to the other, Was it no a wonderfu' thing that the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?--Not a bit, said the other old lady, dinna ye ken... Unpoetical Reply
A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over him. He replied, Wet, ma'am,--very wet. ... Unreasonable
TOM, said a colonel to one of his men, how can so good and brave a soldier as you get drunk so often?--Colonel, replied he, how can you expect all the virtues that adorn the human character for sixpence a-day? ... Unremitting Kindness
CALL that a kind man, said an actor, speaking of an absent acquaintance; a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a farthing! Call that kindness? Yes, unremitting kindness, Jerrold replied. ... Unwelcome Agreement
A POMPOUS parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a chubby-faced lad who was passing him without moving his hat. Do you know who I am, sir, that you pass me in that unmannerly way? You are better fed than taught, I think, sir.--Whew, ... Up And Down
AT the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same case a short time after his lords... Up In The World
A FELLOW boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father died in an exalted situation. Some of the company looking incredulous, another observed, I can bear testimony to the gentleman's veracity, as my father was sheriff for the coun... Use Is Second Nature
A TAILOR that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; Oh, said he, it is to keep my hands in use, lest at any time... Vails To Servants
TO such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon the subject eight letters to the Duke of N----, supposed to be the Duke of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanwa... Valuable Discovery
A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned! How--how--how? we hear everybody asking. He never run in debt. ... Value Of Applause
SOME one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors, as it gave them confidence. More, replied the actress; it gives us breath. ... Value Of Nothing
PORSON one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, requesting him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking, and stopping him, desired to know, Whether he had succeeded? His friend answered, Yes!--And what may it be?... Vast Domain
A GENTLEMAN having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call him the king of fools. I wish, said the fellow one day, you could make your words good, I should then be the greatest monarch in the world. ... Vera Cannie
A YOUNG lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the plea, Marry for love, and work for siller, replied, It's a' vera true, but a kiss and a tinniefu[C] o' cauld water maks a gey wersh[D] breakfast. [C] Tinnie, the small porri... Verse And Worse
AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles, it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing. Several of the merry crew attempted... Verses Written On A Window In The Highlands Of Scotland
SCOTLAND! thy weather's like a modish wife, Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife; So termagant awhile her thunder tries, And when she can no longer scold, she cries. ... Very Appropriate
A FACETIOUS old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much time in hunting and shooting, styled them Nimrod and Ramrod. ... Very Clear
WHAT is light? asked a schoolmaster of the booby of a class. A sovereign that isn't full weight is light, was the prompt reply. ... Very Easy
ON the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, We must, however, mortify ourselves a little.--Well, replied the other, let us make our servants fast. ... Very Evident
GARRICK and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription: A GOES KOORED HEAR.--How is it possible, said Rigby, that such people as these can cure agues?--I do not know, ... Very Like A Whale
THE first of all the royal infant males Should take the title of the Prince of Wales; Because 'tis clear to seamen and to lubber, Babies and whales are both inclined to blubber. ... Very Like Each Other
IT appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas, not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newton) was speaking of Dr. Thomas, when it was asked, which Dr. Thomas do you mean?--Dr. John Thomas.--They are both na...