Verse And Worse
AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles,
it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him
that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing.
Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At
length the wittiest among them thus ended the contest:--
Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm,
Excuse me, if I just step home;
Two lines already!--be not cru'l,
Consider, honeys,--I'm a fool.
There's four lines!--now I'll gain the fowls,
With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls.
More
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Union Is Strength
A KIND-HEARTED, but somewhat weak-headed, parishioner in the far north got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the minister, who happened on that day to be rather behind time. Come down, Jamie, said the minister, that's my place.-... Union Of Opposites
A PHRENOLOGIST remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, that doubtless those were the persons who would kill one with kindness. ... Unkind
PRAY, sir, said Lady Wallace to David Hume, I am often asked what age I am; what answer should I make? Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her ladyship's meaning, said, Madam, when you are asked that question again, answer that you are not yet come to th... Unknown Tongue
DURING the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to the kirk, the one said to the other, Was it no a wonderfu' thing that the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?--Not a bit, said the other old lady, dinna ye ken... Unpoetical Reply
A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over him. He replied, Wet, ma'am,--very wet. ... Unreasonable
TOM, said a colonel to one of his men, how can so good and brave a soldier as you get drunk so often?--Colonel, replied he, how can you expect all the virtues that adorn the human character for sixpence a-day? ... Unremitting Kindness
CALL that a kind man, said an actor, speaking of an absent acquaintance; a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a farthing! Call that kindness? Yes, unremitting kindness, Jerrold replied. ... Unwelcome Agreement
A POMPOUS parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a chubby-faced lad who was passing him without moving his hat. Do you know who I am, sir, that you pass me in that unmannerly way? You are better fed than taught, I think, sir.--Whew, ... Up And Down
AT the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same case a short time after his lords... Up In The World
A FELLOW boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father died in an exalted situation. Some of the company looking incredulous, another observed, I can bear testimony to the gentleman's veracity, as my father was sheriff for the coun... Use Is Second Nature
A TAILOR that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; Oh, said he, it is to keep my hands in use, lest at any time... Vails To Servants
TO such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon the subject eight letters to the Duke of N----, supposed to be the Duke of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanwa... Valuable Discovery
A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned! How--how--how? we hear everybody asking. He never run in debt. ... Value Of Applause
SOME one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors, as it gave them confidence. More, replied the actress; it gives us breath. ... Value Of Nothing
PORSON one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, requesting him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking, and stopping him, desired to know, Whether he had succeeded? His friend answered, Yes!--And what may it be?... Vast Domain
A GENTLEMAN having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call him the king of fools. I wish, said the fellow one day, you could make your words good, I should then be the greatest monarch in the world. ... Vera Cannie
A YOUNG lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the plea, Marry for love, and work for siller, replied, It's a' vera true, but a kiss and a tinniefu[C] o' cauld water maks a gey wersh[D] breakfast. [C] Tinnie, the small porri... Verse And Worse
AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles, it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing. Several of the merry crew attempted... Verses Written On A Window In The Highlands Of Scotland
SCOTLAND! thy weather's like a modish wife, Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife; So termagant awhile her thunder tries, And when she can no longer scold, she cries. ... Very Appropriate
A FACETIOUS old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much time in hunting and shooting, styled them Nimrod and Ramrod. ... Very Clear
WHAT is light? asked a schoolmaster of the booby of a class. A sovereign that isn't full weight is light, was the prompt reply. ... Very Easy
ON the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, We must, however, mortify ourselves a little.--Well, replied the other, let us make our servants fast. ... Very Evident
GARRICK and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription: A GOES KOORED HEAR.--How is it possible, said Rigby, that such people as these can cure agues?--I do not know, ... Very Like A Whale
THE first of all the royal infant males Should take the title of the Prince of Wales; Because 'tis clear to seamen and to lubber, Babies and whales are both inclined to blubber. ... Very Like Each Other
IT appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas, not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newton) was speaking of Dr. Thomas, when it was asked, which Dr. Thomas do you mean?--Dr. John Thomas.--They are both na... Very Likely
AN English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room, None of your hypocritical tears, you idl... Very Likely
AN officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the Cheap defence of nations, replied, A midshipman's half-pay,--nothing a-day and find yourself. ... Very Pointed
SIR JOHN HAMILTON, who had severely suffered from the persecutions of the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a hedgehog, it was impossible to touch him anywhere without pricking one's fingers. ... Very Pretty
ONE day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. I thought so y... Very Serious
A REGULAR physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. Not so trifling, neither, replied the quack; for, to tell you the truth, I have, by mistake, taken some of my OWN PILLS. ... Very Shocking If True
AT a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in eating. At length a wag asked aloud: Have you heard of poor L----'s sad affair? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he suddenly took up the knife, and---- Good h... Very True
SERJEANT MAYNARD, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law an ars bablativa. ... Very True
ALL that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages at breakfast is confidence. ... Vice Versa
IT is asserted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt. This cannot be; for instead of contracting it at all, bad Ministers have most materially extended it. ...