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All Stories Jokes Page 9
Dead Men's Shoes
When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor, asking: "Would you object to my t...
Deafness
In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him: "The show is very good, don't you think?" The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied: "Me, I always ta...
Declined With Thanks
Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking matters over, Brown decided to reform....
Dedication
The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife. Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly: "I never thought of that. As soon as you are g...
Definition
The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word "spine," at his teacher's request. "A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other." ...
Degrees In Degradation
Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came into the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his waiter. "My God!" he whispered. "...
Delay
A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of how her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shot to death. The widow continued munchi...
Denied The Privilege
_The Child:_ "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?" _The Mother:_ "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys." _The Child:_ "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?" * * * ...
Devil
Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was leaping about like a jack in the box, and...
Diet
The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet of the natives, and was told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish. The girl protested: "But fish ...
Digestion
In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but very nervous. "Please, sir," the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper and rice and citron and chutn...
Diplomacy
"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?" "Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about paying your little debts?" "No, I'm going about to see if I've ov...
Dirt
We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to his partner: "Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd have!" * * ...
Discipline
Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to remonstrate with his mother. "Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he demanded. His mother nodded assent. "Then you better get busy, ma. You mak...
Discretion
The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with a sandwich taken from its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefully removed, the boy picked out and ate a fe...
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