CARVING
To Our National Birds--the Eagle and the Turkey--(while the host is
carving):
May one give us peace in all our States,
And the other a piece for all our plates.
More
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BURGLARS
A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of stowing a good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a touch on the shoulder, and, turning his head, he beheld a venerable, mild-eyed clergyman gazing sadly at him. "Oh, my... BUSINESS
A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the following: "You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?" "Yes, sir." "Do you drink yourself?" ... BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same block. One morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a big sign--"Bankrupt Sale," and to the left--"Closing Out at Cost." Twenty minutes later there appeared over his own do... BUSINESS ETHICS
"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24 how many tons will he bring you?" "A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny promptly. "Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher. "No, ma'am... BUSINESS WOMEN
Wanted--A housekeeping man by a business woman. Object matrimony. ... CAMPAIGNS
_See_ Candidates; Public speakers. ... CAMPING
Camp life is just one canned thing after another. ... CANDIDATES
"When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my name as a candidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring parish to speak," said Private John Allen recently to some friends at the old Metropolitan Hotel in Washington. "An old ... CANNING AND PRESERVING
A canner, exceedingly canny, One morning remarked to his granny, "A canner can can Anything that he can; But a canner can't can a can, can he?" --Carolyn Wells. ... CAPITALISTS
Of the late Bishop Charles G. Grafton a Fond du Lac man said: "Bishop Grafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his pulpit utterances. Once, during a disastrous strike, a capitalist of Fond du Lac arose in a church meeting and asked lea... CAREFULNESS
Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to the Hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room. When the butler admitted him he said to Dugan: "You are requested to be careful of the floors. They have just been ... CARPENTERS
While building a house, Senator Platt of Connecticut had occasion to employ a carpenter. One of the applicants was a plain Connecticut Yankee, without any frills. "You thoroughly understand carpentry?" asked the senator. "Yes, sir." "You c... CARVING
To Our National Birds--the Eagle and the Turkey--(while the host is carving): May one give us peace in all our States, And the other a piece for all our plates. ... CASTE
In some parts of the South the darkies are still addicted to the old style country dance in a big hall, with the fiddlers, banjoists, and other musicians on a platform at one end. At one such dance held not long ago in an Alabama town, when the ... CATS
There was a young lady whose dream Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream, But the cat with a bound Spilt the milk on the ground, So she fed a whipt cat on black cream. There once were two cats in Kilkenny, And each cat th... CAUSE AND EFFECT
Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He replied that once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and so sleepy all the afternoon that he determined never to do it again. A man who has an office downtown called his wife b... CAUTION
Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the rounds several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious business man when he grows up. Approaching an old lady in a Lakewood hotel, he said: "Can you crack nuts?" "No, dear," ... CHAMPAGNE
MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?" BRIDGET--"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open itself. Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two quarts instead of wan." Sir Andrew Clark was Mr.... CHARACTER
The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was, moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked to one of his sons: "Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat Daniel?" "No sir. Why was it?" "Be... CHARITY
"Charity," said Rev. B., "is a sentiment common to human nature. A never sees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him." Dr. C.H. Parkhurst, the eloquent New York clergyman, at a recent banquet said of charity: "Too many of us, perhap... CHICAGO
A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a dozen copies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to him at once. Within two days he received this reply by telegraph: "No seekers after God in Chicago or New York. Try... CHICKEN STEALING
Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed of chickens he considered best, and he replied: "All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but de black ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits 'em." Ida Bl... CHILD LABOR
"What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!" "Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by yours truly. I've got eight kids and I'm going to move to Alabama."--_Life_. ... CHILDREN
Two weary parents once advertised: "WANTED, AT ONCE--Two fluent and well-learned persons, male or female, to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a boy of four; each to take four hours per day and rest the parents of said children....