COMPETITION
A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been the
pet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when there was a new
baby she felt rather neglected.
"How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon.
"Oh, I'm all right," she said, "except that I think there is too much
competition in this world."
A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for watering
his fields. The very first day while he was trying it there suddenly
came a downpour of rain. He put away his machine.
"It's no use," he said; "you can do nothing nowadays without
competition."
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CLERGY
"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked to question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to fight against the Philistines?" None of the children could tell him. "Oh, yes, you know!" he said, and to help ... CLIMATE
In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no small annoyance, for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair of living down his reputation, he asked headquarters ... CLOTHING
One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call, sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It's really disgraceful the way you negl... CLUBS
Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement. "When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave every morning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that none of its members shall marry a man who won't shave every morn... COAL DEALERS
In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers was converted. For weeks he tried to persuade his brother to join the church. One day he asked: "Why can't you... COEDUCATION
The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on woman's rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they threaten, away from the coeducational colleges, what will follow? What will follow, I repeat?" And a loud, masculine voice i... COFFEE
Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to Bismarck. He liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian Army in France he one day entered a country inn and asked the host if he had any chicory in the house. He had. Bismarck said--... COINS
He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the country: "Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from Paris as a souvenir." "Thanks, Herman," said the old lady. "I wish you'd thought to have brought me home one of the... COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our store are requested to call and settle. All those indebted to our store and not knowing it are requested to call and find out. Those knowing themselves indebted and not wishing to call,... COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING
Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen Elizabeth. "It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, smiling sweetly upon the gallant Knight, "to ruin your cloak the other day so that my feet should not be wet by tha... COLLEGE GRADUATES
"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapper agent. "No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be able to use it a few times, but my son will be home from college in June." ... COLLEGE STUDENTS
"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelled from college?" "Yes." "Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history repeats itself." WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority ... COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
The college is a coy maid-- She has a habit quaint Of making eyes at millionaires And winking at the taint. --_Judge_. "What is a 'faculty'?" "A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red tape."--_Cornell Widow_. Ya... COMMON SENSE
A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town. It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it was a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after work had been started, and seeing a... COMMUTERS
BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that girl who lives in the suburbs?" GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I have transferred to a town girl." "I see you carrying home a new kind of breakf... COMPARISONS
A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat. "Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of ... COMPENSATION
"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an automobile goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and balks longer." ... COMPETITION
A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been the pet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when there was a new baby she felt rather neglected. "How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon. "Oh, I'... COMPLIMENTS
Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row which took place in front of his store that morning: "The first thing I saw was one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a crowd gathered. The man who was struck ran and grabbe... COMPOSERS
Recipe for the musical comedy composer: Librettos of all of the operas, Some shears and a bottle of paste, Curry the hits of last season, Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste. --_Life_. ... COMPROMISES
Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the only people who had keys to that drawer." Office Boy--"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more about it." ... CONFESSIONS
"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five years?" "No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."--_Puck_. Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taught to report misdeeds promptly. One... CONGRESS
Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring valuable information and then doing nothing about it.--_Life_. "Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a congressman, "we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in t... CONGRESSMEN
It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of congressmen, mostly from the rural districts. The tables were elegant, and it was a scene of fairy splendor; but on one table there were no decorations but palm leaves. "Here," said a con... CONSCIENCE
The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone. A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an office across the street that m... CONSEQUENCES
A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between the words "results" and "consequences." A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and consequences are what you get." Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds car... CONSIDERATION
The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody had tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest of honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm. "Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams," he said ... CONSTANCY
A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed in a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two good-conduct badges and money in the savings-bank. "Well, go-away," said the General, "and if you come back to me a... CONTRIBUTION BOX
The parson looks it o'er and frets. It puts him out of sorts To see how many times he gets A penny for his thoughts. --_J.J. O'Connell_. There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a puzzled way at the club gu... CONUNDRUMS
"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain storm and a conversation between two confidence men?" "Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give it up." "Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the other is ... CONVERSATION
"My dog understands every word I say." "Um." "Do you doubt it?" "No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant attention he bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he understands it perfectly." THE TALL AND AGGRESS... COOKERY
"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband in the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry and they're eating all my pies." "Well, what do we care," mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as they don't die ... COOKS
_See_ Servants. ... CORNETS
Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on Sunday would go to heaven. The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't see why he should not, but"--after a pause--"I doubt whether the man next door will."...