CONSTANCY
A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed in
a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two good-conduct
badges and money in the savings-bank.
"Well, go-away," said the General, "and if you come back to me a year
from today in the same frame of mind you shall marry. I'll keep the
vacancy."
On the anniversary the soldier repeated his request.
"But do you really, after a year, want to marry?" inquired the General
in a surprised tone.
"Yes, sir; very much."
"Sergeant-Major, take his name down. Yes, you may marry. I never
believed there was so much constancy in man or woman. Right face; quick
march!"
As the man left the room, turning his head, he said, "Thank you, sir;
but it isn't the same woman."
More
-
COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING
Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen Elizabeth. "It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, smiling sweetly upon the gallant Knight, "to ruin your cloak the other day so that my feet should not be wet by tha... COLLEGE GRADUATES
"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapper agent. "No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be able to use it a few times, but my son will be home from college in June." ... COLLEGE STUDENTS
"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelled from college?" "Yes." "Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history repeats itself." WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority ... COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
The college is a coy maid-- She has a habit quaint Of making eyes at millionaires And winking at the taint. --_Judge_. "What is a 'faculty'?" "A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red tape."--_Cornell Widow_. Ya... COMMON SENSE
A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town. It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it was a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after work had been started, and seeing a... COMMUTERS
BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that girl who lives in the suburbs?" GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I have transferred to a town girl." "I see you carrying home a new kind of breakf... COMPARISONS
A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat. "Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of ... COMPENSATION
"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an automobile goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and balks longer." ... COMPETITION
A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been the pet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when there was a new baby she felt rather neglected. "How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon. "Oh, I'... COMPLIMENTS
Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row which took place in front of his store that morning: "The first thing I saw was one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a crowd gathered. The man who was struck ran and grabbe... COMPOSERS
Recipe for the musical comedy composer: Librettos of all of the operas, Some shears and a bottle of paste, Curry the hits of last season, Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste. --_Life_. ... COMPROMISES
Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the only people who had keys to that drawer." Office Boy--"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more about it." ... CONFESSIONS
"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five years?" "No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."--_Puck_. Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taught to report misdeeds promptly. One... CONGRESS
Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring valuable information and then doing nothing about it.--_Life_. "Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a congressman, "we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in t... CONGRESSMEN
It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of congressmen, mostly from the rural districts. The tables were elegant, and it was a scene of fairy splendor; but on one table there were no decorations but palm leaves. "Here," said a con... CONSCIENCE
The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone. A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an office across the street that m... CONSEQUENCES
A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between the words "results" and "consequences." A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and consequences are what you get." Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds car... CONSIDERATION
The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody had tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest of honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm. "Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams," he said ... CONSTANCY
A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed in a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two good-conduct badges and money in the savings-bank. "Well, go-away," said the General, "and if you come back to me a... CONTRIBUTION BOX
The parson looks it o'er and frets. It puts him out of sorts To see how many times he gets A penny for his thoughts. --_J.J. O'Connell_. There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a puzzled way at the club gu... CONUNDRUMS
"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain storm and a conversation between two confidence men?" "Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give it up." "Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the other is ... CONVERSATION
"My dog understands every word I say." "Um." "Do you doubt it?" "No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant attention he bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he understands it perfectly." THE TALL AND AGGRESS... COOKERY
"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband in the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry and they're eating all my pies." "Well, what do we care," mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as they don't die ... COOKS
_See_ Servants. ... CORNETS
Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on Sunday would go to heaven. The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't see why he should not, but"--after a pause--"I doubt whether the man next door will."... CORNS
Great aches from little toe-corns grow. ... CORPULENCE
The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer. Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He tipped the scales at some three hundred pounds. "Mi... COSMOPOLITANISM
Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of New York. "New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky, "without the addition of such a queerly named institution as the Hell." He smiled and added: "Is there... COST OF LIVING
"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?" asked the careful mother. "I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the Smiggs boy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal around like that.... COUNTRY LIFE
BILTER (at servants' agency)--"Have you got a cook who will go to the country?" MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)--"Is there any one here who would like to spend a day in the country?"--_Life_. VISITOR--"You have a fine road leadi... COURAGE
AUNT ETHEL--"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist's?" BEATRICE--"Yes, auntie, I was." AUNT ETHEL--"Then, there's the half crown I promised you. And now tell me what he did to you." BEATRICE--"He pulled out two of Willie's teet... COURTESY
The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the regulations, to make out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of his acquaintance, who, in spite of a slight disfigurement, was very vain of her personal appearance. His native po... COURTS
One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts he didn't like the ruling of the presiding Judge. A second time when the Judge ruled against "old Thad," the old man got up with scarlet face and quivering lips and commenced tying up ... COURTSHIP
"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first girl you ever loved?" "Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met." Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran Fell in love with Maria McCann. With a yell and a who... COWARDS
Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house the night before. "Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under the bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out." "Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar'... COWS
Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John. A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited. "Oh, Cousin John, what is that?...