CORPULENCE
The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored
laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer.
Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He tipped the scales at
some three hundred pounds.
"Missus," said the woman, "I'll do your washing, but I'se gwine ter
charge you double for your husband's shirts."
"Why, what is your reason for that Nanc
"Well," said the laundress, "I don't mind washing fur an ordinary man,
but I draws de line on circus tents, I sho' do."
An employee of a rolling mill was on his vacation when he fell in love
with a handsome German girl. Upon his return to the works, he went to
Mr. Carnegie and announced that as he wanted to get married he would
like a little further time off. Mr. Carnegie appeared much interested.
"Tell me about her," he said. "Is she short or is she tall, slender,
willowy?"
"Well, Mr. Carnegie," was the answer, "all I can say is that if I'd had
the rolling of her, I should have given her two or three more passes."
A very stout old lady, bustling through the park on a sweltering hot
day, became aware that she was being closely followed by a rough-looking
tramp.
"What do you mean by following me in this manner?" she indignantly
demanded. The tramp slunk back a little. But when the stout lady resumed
her walk he again took up his position directly behind her.
"See here," she exclaimed, wheeling angrily, "if you don't go away at
once I shall call a policeman!"
The unfortunate man looked up at her appealingly.
"For Heaven's sake, kind lady, have mercy an' don't call a policeman;
ye're the only shady spot in the whole park."
A jolly steamboat captain with more girth than height was asked if he
had ever had any very narrow escapes.
"Yes," he replied, his eyes twinkling; "once I fell off my boat at the
mouth of Bear Creek, and, although I'm an expert swimmer, I guess I'd be
there now if it hadn't been for my crew. You see the water was just deep
enough so's to be over my head when I tried to wade out, and just
shallow enough"--he gave his body an explanatory pat--"so that whenever
I tried to swim out I dragged bottom."
A very large lady entered a street car and a young man near the door
rose and said: "I will be one of three to give the lady a seat."
To our Fat Friends: May their shadows never grow less.
_See also_ Dancing.
More
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CLERGY
"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked to question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to fight against the Philistines?" None of the children could tell him. "Oh, yes, you know!" he said, and to help ... CLIMATE
In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no small annoyance, for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair of living down his reputation, he asked headquarters ... CLOTHING
One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call, sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It's really disgraceful the way you negl... CLUBS
Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement. "When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave every morning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that none of its members shall marry a man who won't shave every morn... COAL DEALERS
In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers was converted. For weeks he tried to persuade his brother to join the church. One day he asked: "Why can't you... COEDUCATION
The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on woman's rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they threaten, away from the coeducational colleges, what will follow? What will follow, I repeat?" And a loud, masculine voice i... COFFEE
Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to Bismarck. He liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian Army in France he one day entered a country inn and asked the host if he had any chicory in the house. He had. Bismarck said--... COINS
He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the country: "Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from Paris as a souvenir." "Thanks, Herman," said the old lady. "I wish you'd thought to have brought me home one of the... COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our store are requested to call and settle. All those indebted to our store and not knowing it are requested to call and find out. Those knowing themselves indebted and not wishing to call,... COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING
Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen Elizabeth. "It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, smiling sweetly upon the gallant Knight, "to ruin your cloak the other day so that my feet should not be wet by tha... COLLEGE GRADUATES
"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapper agent. "No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be able to use it a few times, but my son will be home from college in June." ... COLLEGE STUDENTS
"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelled from college?" "Yes." "Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history repeats itself." WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority ... COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
The college is a coy maid-- She has a habit quaint Of making eyes at millionaires And winking at the taint. --_Judge_. "What is a 'faculty'?" "A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red tape."--_Cornell Widow_. Ya... COMMON SENSE
A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town. It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it was a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after work had been started, and seeing a... COMMUTERS
BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that girl who lives in the suburbs?" GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I have transferred to a town girl." "I see you carrying home a new kind of breakf... COMPARISONS
A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat. "Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of ... COMPENSATION
"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an automobile goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and balks longer." ... COMPETITION
A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been the pet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when there was a new baby she felt rather neglected. "How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon. "Oh, I'... COMPLIMENTS
Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row which took place in front of his store that morning: "The first thing I saw was one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a crowd gathered. The man who was struck ran and grabbe... COMPOSERS
Recipe for the musical comedy composer: Librettos of all of the operas, Some shears and a bottle of paste, Curry the hits of last season, Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste. --_Life_. ... COMPROMISES
Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the only people who had keys to that drawer." Office Boy--"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more about it." ... CONFESSIONS
"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five years?" "No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."--_Puck_. Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taught to report misdeeds promptly. One... CONGRESS
Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring valuable information and then doing nothing about it.--_Life_. "Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a congressman, "we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in t... CONGRESSMEN
It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of congressmen, mostly from the rural districts. The tables were elegant, and it was a scene of fairy splendor; but on one table there were no decorations but palm leaves. "Here," said a con... CONSCIENCE
The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone. A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an office across the street that m... CONSEQUENCES
A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between the words "results" and "consequences." A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and consequences are what you get." Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds car... CONSIDERATION
The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody had tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest of honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm. "Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams," he said ... CONSTANCY
A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed in a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two good-conduct badges and money in the savings-bank. "Well, go-away," said the General, "and if you come back to me a... CONTRIBUTION BOX
The parson looks it o'er and frets. It puts him out of sorts To see how many times he gets A penny for his thoughts. --_J.J. O'Connell_. There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a puzzled way at the club gu... CONUNDRUMS
"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain storm and a conversation between two confidence men?" "Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give it up." "Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the other is ... CONVERSATION
"My dog understands every word I say." "Um." "Do you doubt it?" "No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant attention he bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he understands it perfectly." THE TALL AND AGGRESS... COOKERY
"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband in the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry and they're eating all my pies." "Well, what do we care," mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as they don't die ... COOKS
_See_ Servants. ... CORNETS
Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on Sunday would go to heaven. The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't see why he should not, but"--after a pause--"I doubt whether the man next door will."... CORNS
Great aches from little toe-corns grow. ... CORPULENCE
The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer. Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He tipped the scales at some three hundred pounds. "Mi... COSMOPOLITANISM
Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of New York. "New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky, "without the addition of such a queerly named institution as the Hell." He smiled and added: "Is there... COST OF LIVING
"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?" asked the careful mother. "I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the Smiggs boy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal around like that.... COUNTRY LIFE
BILTER (at servants' agency)--"Have you got a cook who will go to the country?" MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)--"Is there any one here who would like to spend a day in the country?"--_Life_. VISITOR--"You have a fine road leadi... COURAGE
AUNT ETHEL--"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist's?" BEATRICE--"Yes, auntie, I was." AUNT ETHEL--"Then, there's the half crown I promised you. And now tell me what he did to you." BEATRICE--"He pulled out two of Willie's teet... COURTESY
The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the regulations, to make out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of his acquaintance, who, in spite of a slight disfigurement, was very vain of her personal appearance. His native po... COURTS
One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts he didn't like the ruling of the presiding Judge. A second time when the Judge ruled against "old Thad," the old man got up with scarlet face and quivering lips and commenced tying up ... COURTSHIP
"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first girl you ever loved?" "Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met." Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran Fell in love with Maria McCann. With a yell and a who... COWARDS
Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house the night before. "Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under the bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out." "Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar'... COWS
Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John. A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited. "Oh, Cousin John, what is that?... CRITICISM
FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"I wasted a whole evening by going to that new pianist's concert last night!" SECOND MUSIC CRITIC--"Why?" FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"His playing was above criticism!" As soon Seek roses in ... CRUELTY
"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the vase of flowers." "I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S.P.C.A." ... CUCUMBERS
Consider the ways of the little green cucumber, which never does its best fighting till it's down.--Stanford Chaparral. ... CULTURE
_See_ Kultur. ... CURFEW
A former resident of Marshall, Mo., was asking about the old town. "I understand they have a curfew law out there now," he said. "No," his informant answered, "they did have one, but they abandoned it." "What was the matter?" "Well, the ... CURIOSITY
The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a chandelier, and she was suspended in mid-air. The minister n... CYCLONES
_See_ Windfalls. ... DACHSHUNDS
A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until his mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make congenial conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?" "Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad. "Where is he?" question... DAMAGES
A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. Delehanty, accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. Delehanty and a Mrs. Cassidy had indulged in a little difference of opinion. When he had listened to the recital of Mrs. Deleha... DANCING
He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of dancing, so his friends asked him why he had stopped, and was it final? "Oh, no, I hope not," sighed the old fellow. "I still love it, and I've merely stopped until I can find a concave la... DEAD BEATS
See _Bills_; Collecting of accounts. ... DEBTS
A train traveling through the West was held up by masked bandits. Two friends, who were on their way to California, were among the passengers. "Here's where we lose all our money," one said, as a robber entered the car. "You don't think they'... DEER
"The deer's a mighty useful beast From Petersburg to Tennyson For while he lives he lopes around And when he's dead he's venison." --_Ellis Parker Butler_. ... DEGREES
A young theologian named Fiddle Refused to accept his degree; "For," said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle, Without being Fiddle D.D." ... DEMOCRACY
"Why are you so vexed, Irma?" "I am so exasperated! I attended the meeting of the Social Equality League, and my parlor-maid presided, and she had the audacity to call me to order three times."--_M. L. Hayward_. _See also_ Ancestry. ... DEMOCRATIC PARTY
HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN--"Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay ward or a--" MALONEY--"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic." ... DENTISTRY
Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was dusty, and there was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in his eye, and he held out a baby tooth. "How did you pull it?" demanded his mother. "Oh," he said bravely, "it was ea... DENTISTS
The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain employment for his own. One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised to hear her say: "An... DESCRIPTION
A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a willowy figure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She must have been raised in the lumber regions.--_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_. ... DESIGN, DECORATIVE
Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of lace she had just crocheted. "Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned. "Out of my head," she answered lightly. "Does your head feel better now, Mamma?" he asked a... DESTINATION
A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney, has succeeded in extracting thrills from the alphabet--imparting excitement to the names of the national capitol's streets. On a recent Sunday morning he was calling the streets thus:... DETAILS
Charles Frohman was talking to a Philadelphia reporter about the importance of detail. "Those who work for me," he said, "follow my directions down to the very smallest item. To go wrong in detail, you know, is often to go altogether wrong--lik... DETECTIVES
When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was instantly recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. When the great literary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said quite respectfully: "If you please, sir, I should m... DETERMINATION
After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is said to have occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a Democratic merchant: MERCHANT (_with a sigh_)--"Well, the old General is dead." BROKER (_with a shrug_)--"Yes, he's gone... DIAGNOSIS
An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written: "This is to inform the house-surgeon that this...