EUROPEAN WAR
OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)--"You fool!
Come back at once!"
TOMMY--"No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in the trench."--_Punch_.
"You can tell an Englishman nowadays by the way he holds his head up."
"Pride, eh?"
"No, Zeppelin neck."
LITTLE GIRL (who has been sitting very still with a serap
expression)--"I wish I was an angel, mother!"
MOTHER--"What makes you say that, darling?"
LITTLE GIRL--"Because then I could drop bombs on the Germans!"--_Punch_.
From a sailor's letter to his wife:
"Dear Jane,--I am sending you a postal order for 10s., which I
hope you may get--but you may not--as this letter has to pass
the Censor."
--_Punch_.
Two country darkies listened, awe-struck, while some planters discussed
the tremendous range of the new German guns.
"Dar now," exclaimed one negro, when his master had finished expatiating
on the hideous havoc wrought by a forty-two-centimeter shell, "jes' lak
I bin tellin' yo' niggehs all de time! Don' le's have no guns lak dem
roun' heah! Why, us niggehs could start runnin' erway, run all day, git
almos' home free, an' den git kilt jus' befo' suppeh!"
"Dat's de trufe," assented his companion, "an' lemme tell yo' sumpin'
else, Bo. All dem guns needs is jus' yo' _ad_-dress, dat's all; jes'
giv' em de _ad_-dress an' they'll git yo'."
_See also_ War.
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DROUGHTS
Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona, noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country. "Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the natives. "Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's b... DRUNKARDS
Sing a song of sick gents, Pockets full of rye, Four and twenty highballs, We wish that we might die. Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being out nearly all night. "Don't your wife miss you on these oc... DYSPEPSIA
"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia." "And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look healthy enough." "Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has." ... ECHOES
An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes,... ECONOMY
An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some other person's expenses. Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, some day, want something which you probably won't want.--_Anthony Hope_. Eco... EDITORS
Recipe for an editor: Take a personal hatred of authors, Mix this with a fiendish delight In refusing all efforts of genius And maiming all poets on sight. --_Life_. The city editor of a great New York daily was known in t... EDUCATION
Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plains from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly after that he "struck it rich"; in fact, he was credited with having more wealth than any one else in Colorado. A man of ... EFFICIENCY
An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army maneuvers. He was especially impressed with the German motor ambulances. As the tourist watched the maneuvers from a seat under a tree, the axle of one of the motor ambulances broke. Inst... EGOTISM
In the Chicago schools a boy refused to sew, thinking it below the dignity of a man of ten years. "Why," said the teacher, "George Washington did his own sewing in the wars, and do you think you are better than George Washington?" "I don't kn... ELECTIONS
In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and Germans. In a recent election a local option question was up. After the election some Germans were counting the votes. One German was calling off and another taking down the option vot... ELECTRICITY
In school a boy was asked this question in physics: "What is the difference between lightning and electricity?" And he answered: "Well, you don't have to pay for lightning." ... EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS
A young gentleman was spending the week-end at little Willie's cottage at Atlantic City, and on Sunday evening after dinner, there being a scarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza, the young gentleman took Willie on his lap. Then, during a paus... EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES
"You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for $11 a month right in this establishment, and now I'm owner of it." "Well, you see what happened to your boss. No man who treats his help that way can hang on to his business." EARN... ENEMIES
An old man who had led a sinful life was dying, and his wife sent for a near-by preacher to pray with him. The preacher spent some time praying and talking, and finally the old man said: "What do you want me to do, Parson?" "Renounce the Devi... ENGLAND
_See_ Great Britain. ... ENGLISH LANGUAGE
A popular hotel in Rome has a sign in the elevator reading: "Please do not touch the Lift at your own risk." The class at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and each verb considered was used in a model sentence, so that the students... ENGLISHMEN
He who laughs last is an Englishman.--_Princeton Tiger_. Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became the center of an appreciative group. A cigar man offered the comedian a cigar, saying that it was a new production. "Wit... ENTHUSIASM
Theodore Watts, says Charles Rowley in his book "Fifty Years of Work Without Wages," tells a good story against himself. A nature enthusiast, he was climbing Snowdon, and overtook an old gypsy woman. He began to dilate upon the sublimity of the sc... EPITAPHS
LITTLE CLARENCE--"Pa!" HIS FATHER--"Well, my son?" LITTLE CLARENCE--"I took a walk through the cemetery to-day and read the inscriptions on the tombstones." HIS FATHER--"And what were your thoughts after you had done so?" LITTLE CLARENCE... EPITHETS
John Fiske, the historian, was once interrupted by his wife, who complained that their son had been very disrespectful to some neighbors. Mr. Fiske called the youngster into his study. "My boy, is it true that you called Mrs. Jones a fool?" T... EQUALITY
As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the other day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. "Clear out of the way with that old mud scow!" shouted an officer on the bridge. A round, sun-browned face appeare... ERMINE
Said an envious, erudite ermine: "There's one thing I cannot determine: When a man wears my coat, He's a person of note, While I'm but a species of vermin!" ... ESCAPES
There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills that surrounded the skating pond. A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shouts ... ETHICS
My ethical state, Were I wealthy and great, Is a subject you wish I'd reply on. Now who can foresee What his morals _might_ be? What would yours be if you were a lion? --_Martial; tr. by Paul Nixon_. ... ETIQUET
A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visiting her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I wish they would not do it." "Why not? I think it is very nice of them," said her friend, settling herself comfortabl... EUROPEAN WAR
OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)--"You fool! Come back at once!" TOMMY--"No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in the trench."--_Punch_. "You can tell an Englishman nowadays by the way he holds his head up." "Prid... EVIDENCE
From a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory, a policeman had managed to extract two prisoners. "What is the charge against these young men?" asked the magistrate before whom they were arraigned. "Disturbin' the peace, yer ... EXAMINATIONS
An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid to sacred history, dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was not, for God took him." So many times was this repeated in connection with the death of Enoch that he thought even th... EXCUSES
The children had been reminded that they must not appear at school the following week without their application blanks properly filled out as to names of parents, addresses, dates and place of birth. On Monday morning Katie Barnes arrived, the tea... EXPOSURE
TRAMP--"Lady, I'm dying from exposure." WOMAN--"Are you a tramp, politician or financier?"--_Judge_. ... EXTORTION
_See_ Dressmakers. ... EXTRAVAGANCE
There was a young girl named O'Neill, Who went up in the great Ferris wheel; But when half way around She looked at the ground, And it cost her an eighty-cent meal. Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in t... FAILURES
Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is it true, father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?" His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, Ikey," he finally replied, "If you get a rich wife, it's almost as... FAITH
Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets.--_Country Life in America_. "What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher. "Pa says," answers Johnny,... FAITHFULNESS
A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a trial. He seemed to be making good, and they gradually increased the size of his load until on the last tr... FAME
Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on the part of people who are not thinking of you. Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely happened to meet an editor who was hard up for material. Were... FAMILIES
"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails." Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had b... FAREWELLS
Happy are we met, Happy have we been, Happy may we part, and Happy meet again. A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and went around to the car... FASHION
There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_. There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when she said h... FATE
Fate hit me very hard one day. I cried: "What is my fault? What have I done? What causes, pray, This unprovoked assault?" She paused, then said: "Darned if I know; I really can't explain." Then just before she turned to go She ... FATHERS
A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history. Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it represented. Baby answered "Coty."... FAULTS
Women's faults are many, Men have only two-- Everything they say, And everything they do. --_Le Crabbe_. ... FEES
_See_ Tips. ... FEET
BIG MAN (with a grouch)--"Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?" LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)--"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a walk?" ... FIGHTING
"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?" "Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer it."--_Life_. "There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat is torn to bits," said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the door. "How many ti... FINANCE
Willie had a savings bank; 'Twas made of painted tin. He passed it 'round among the boys, Who put their pennies in. Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought Sweetmeats and chewing gum. And to the other envious lads He never o... FINGERBOWLS
MISTRESS (to new servant)--"Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you last worked for have them on the table?" BRIDGET--"No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they came... FIRE DEPARTMENTS
Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines. Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look out! The fire department's coming." Turning in by th... FIRE ESCAPES
Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erected after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law. ... FIRES
"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday." "Sh! Next Thursday." ...