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EPITHETS
John Fiske, the historian, was once interrupted by his wife, who complained that their son had been very disrespectful to some neighbors. Mr. Fiske called the youngster into his study. "My boy, is it true that you called Mrs. Jones a fool?" T... EQUALITY
As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the other day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. "Clear out of the way with that old mud scow!" shouted an officer on the bridge. A round, sun-browned face appeare... ERMINE
Said an envious, erudite ermine: "There's one thing I cannot determine: When a man wears my coat, He's a person of note, While I'm but a species of vermin!" ... ESCAPES
There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills that surrounded the skating pond. A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shouts ... ETHICS
My ethical state, Were I wealthy and great, Is a subject you wish I'd reply on. Now who can foresee What his morals _might_ be? What would yours be if you were a lion? --_Martial; tr. by Paul Nixon_. ... ETIQUET
A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visiting her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I wish they would not do it." "Why not? I think it is very nice of them," said her friend, settling herself comfortabl... EUROPEAN WAR
OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)--"You fool! Come back at once!" TOMMY--"No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in the trench."--_Punch_. "You can tell an Englishman nowadays by the way he holds his head up." "Prid... EVIDENCE
From a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory, a policeman had managed to extract two prisoners. "What is the charge against these young men?" asked the magistrate before whom they were arraigned. "Disturbin' the peace, yer ... EXAMINATIONS
An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid to sacred history, dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was not, for God took him." So many times was this repeated in connection with the death of Enoch that he thought even th... EXCUSES
The children had been reminded that they must not appear at school the following week without their application blanks properly filled out as to names of parents, addresses, dates and place of birth. On Monday morning Katie Barnes arrived, the tea... EXPOSURE
TRAMP--"Lady, I'm dying from exposure." WOMAN--"Are you a tramp, politician or financier?"--_Judge_. ... EXTORTION
_See_ Dressmakers. ... EXTRAVAGANCE
There was a young girl named O'Neill, Who went up in the great Ferris wheel; But when half way around She looked at the ground, And it cost her an eighty-cent meal. Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in t... FAILURES
Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is it true, father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?" His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, Ikey," he finally replied, "If you get a rich wife, it's almost as... FAITH
Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets.--_Country Life in America_. "What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher. "Pa says," answers Johnny,... FAITHFULNESS
A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a trial. He seemed to be making good, and they gradually increased the size of his load until on the last tr... FAME
Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on the part of people who are not thinking of you. Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely happened to meet an editor who was hard up for material. Were... FAMILIES
"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails." Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had b... FAREWELLS
Happy are we met, Happy have we been, Happy may we part, and Happy meet again. A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and went around to the car... FASHION
There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_. There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when she said h... FATE
Fate hit me very hard one day. I cried: "What is my fault? What have I done? What causes, pray, This unprovoked assault?" She paused, then said: "Darned if I know; I really can't explain." Then just before she turned to go She ... FATHERS
A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history. Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it represented. Baby answered "Coty."...