FORTUNE HUNTERS
HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you
fixed the day of the wedding?"
SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancée."
H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"
S.--"Her mother can decide that, sir."
H.F.--"What have you to live on?"
S.--"I will leave that entirely to you, sir."
The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his
government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in Great
Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising without
result, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set to
work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on.
"I've found the lady, sir."
"Good! Where is she?"
"At my place. I married her yesterday."
"I would die for you," said the rich suitor.
"How soon?" asked the practical girl.
HE--"I'd like to meet Miss Bond."
SHE--"Why?"
"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance."
"Is she looking for one?"--_Life_.
MAUDE--"I've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his
deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love
a girl like that?"
JACK--"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?"
"Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my girls,
and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a
little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is
Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her
$1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five
again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is
forty, will have $5,000 with her."
The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: "You haven't one
about fifty, have you?"
More
-
FAMILIES
"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails." Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had b... FAREWELLS
Happy are we met, Happy have we been, Happy may we part, and Happy meet again. A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and went around to the car... FASHION
There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_. There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when she said h... FATE
Fate hit me very hard one day. I cried: "What is my fault? What have I done? What causes, pray, This unprovoked assault?" She paused, then said: "Darned if I know; I really can't explain." Then just before she turned to go She ... FATHERS
A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history. Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it represented. Baby answered "Coty."... FAULTS
Women's faults are many, Men have only two-- Everything they say, And everything they do. --_Le Crabbe_. ... FEES
_See_ Tips. ... FEET
BIG MAN (with a grouch)--"Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?" LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)--"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a walk?" ... FIGHTING
"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?" "Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer it."--_Life_. "There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat is torn to bits," said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the door. "How many ti... FINANCE
Willie had a savings bank; 'Twas made of painted tin. He passed it 'round among the boys, Who put their pennies in. Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought Sweetmeats and chewing gum. And to the other envious lads He never o... FINGERBOWLS
MISTRESS (to new servant)--"Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you last worked for have them on the table?" BRIDGET--"No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they came... FIRE DEPARTMENTS
Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines. Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look out! The fire department's coming." Turning in by th... FIRE ESCAPES
Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erected after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law. ... FIRES
"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday." "Sh! Next Thursday." ... FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY
The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said, "so please come at once." "I can't get over much under an hour," said the doctor. "Oh please do, Doctor. You see,... FISH
A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozen fried oysters." "Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell fish, sah, 'ceptin' eggs." Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, an... FISHERMEN
At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales could be found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President always used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were brought up from the cellar, and the child was found to w... FISHING
A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake in Colorado which he had in contemplation. "Are there any trout out there?" asked one friend. "Thousands of 'em," replied Mr. Wharry. "Will they bite easily?" asked anot... FLATS
"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?" "Not quite," answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can buy a folding toothbrush?" She hadn't told her mother yet of their first quarrel, but she took refuge in a flood of tear... FLATTERY
With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell. "The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever." "But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded. She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking," she explained, hurri... FLIES
_See_ Pure food. ... FLIRTATION
It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is attention without intention. "There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle." "Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I'm in for a wedding or a breach... FLOWERS
Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I know why flowers grow," she said; "they want to get out of the dirt." ... FOOD
A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for a piece of old-fashioned Washington pie. The waiter, not understanding and yet unwilling to concede his lack of knowledge, brought the customer a piece of chocolate cake. "No, no,... FOOTBALL
His SISTER--"His nose seems broken." His FIANCEE--"And he's lost his front teeth." His MOTHER--"But he didn't drop the ball!"--_Life_. ... FORDS
A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of a Ford automobile. A playmate passed him, looked at his position, then sang out: "Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other skate?" A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb s... FORECASTING
A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid. "Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the air. "Please, Mis' Mary, might I have the aft'noon off three weeks frum Wednesday?" Then, noticing an undecided look in he... FORESIGHT
"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her bosom friend Ann said. "Yes," returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to keep the peace for pullin' the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of mine, and the Magistrate said that ... FORGETFULNESS
_See_ Memory. ... FORTUNE HUNTERS
HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you fixed the day of the wedding?" SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancée." H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?" S.--"Her mother can decide that, sir." ... FOUNTAIN PENS
"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to his visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellers do." "It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flushing with pleasure. "I've had a good deal o... FOURTH OF JULY
"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?" "Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a day at least once a year." One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall advertised special attractions to Ameri... FREAKS
_See_ Husbands. ... FREE THOUGHT
TOMMY--"Pop, what is a freethinker?" POP--"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married." ... FRENCH LANGUAGE
"I understand you speak French like a native." "No," replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent down pretty fine. But it's hard to learn the gestures." In Paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between the acts ... FRESHMEN
_See_ College Students. ... FRIENDS
The Lord gives our relatives, Thank God we can choose our friends. "Father." "Well, what is it?" "It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps.' Is that so, Father?" "Yes, yes, yes." "Well, Father, if a good man keeps ... FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF
A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the Society of Friends, was much interested in two demure and placid Quakeresses who took seats directly behind her in the Broad Street Station. After a few minutes' silence she was somewhat s... FRIENDSHIP
Friendly may we part and quickly meet again. There's fellowship In every sip Of friendship's brew. May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with friendship. Here's to the four hinges of Friendship-- Swearing, L... FUN
Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it costs.--_Abe Martin_. _See also_ Amusements. ... FUNERALS
There was an old man in a hearse, Who murmured, "This might have been worse; Of course the expense Is simply immense, But it doesn't come out of my purse." ... FURNITURE
GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?" HOST--"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the rest for furniture to match." ... FUTURE LIFE
A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showed signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead. "Dead?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead. I knew all th... GARDENING
Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they go a fishin'.--_Abe Martin_. "I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few months from now I won't be kicking about your prices." "No," said the grocer; ... GAS STOVES
A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due season. It so happened that the Georgia woman had ... GENEROSITY
"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous everybody is. I asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me mither, and the young man tells me I can get a money or... GENTLEMEN
"Sadie, what is a gentleman?" "Please, ma'am," she answered, "a gentleman's a man you don't know very well." Two characters in Jeffery Farnol's "Amateur Gentleman" give these definitions of a gentleman: "A gentleman is a fellow who goes ... GERMANS
The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At the dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he was so silent, when usually so gay and full of witty remarks. "Quite right," responded Heine, "but to-night I hav... GHOSTS
"I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no great appeal to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar dyes, told some friends in New York recently. "Personally, in the course of a fairly long career, I have heard at f... GIFTS
When Lawrence Barrett's daughter was married Stuart Robson sent a check for $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian's daughter, Felicia Robson, who attended the wedding conveyed the gift. "Felicia," said her father upon her return, "did you give h... GLUTTONY
A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of mince pie. A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to die. "No," the sick man replied, "But I should be ashamed to die from eating too much." There was ... GOLF
Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour. As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock: "Jock, mon, I'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'." "The morrn'?" Jock repeated. "Aye, mon, the morrn'... GOOD FELLOWSHIP
A glass is good, a lass is good, And a pipe to smoke in cold weather, The world is good and the people are good, And we're all good fellows together. May good humor preside when good fellows meet, And reason prescribe when'ti... GOSSIP
A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.--_Dick Dickinson_. Gossips are the spies of life. "However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?" "I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to each other." ... GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP
"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the government?" "I might if I didn't know who controlled the government."--_Life_. ... GOVERNORS
The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at table sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the Governor solemnly throughout the repast. Finally... GRAFT
"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner. "Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to apologize constantly for not having money, and the remai... GRATITUDE
After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked down in me own parish--wouldn't I bring a ...