INSTRUCTIONS
A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in
the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up
the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned
to the young man in uniform.
"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want to be
well taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir, but--"
<
"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train boys
away from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an extra
blanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him into
another. I want you to--"
"But, say, boss, I--"
"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the talking
myself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want to get the
good of it. Not a word, sir."
The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin and
swung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. "You can do
the talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tell
you--but I ain't going out on that train."
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HOPE
FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the same way." BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone, have they?"--_Puck_. ... HOPKINS BROS.
_Winifred C. Bristol_. Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again. "How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after her marriage. "... HORSES
A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than a five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it, looked it over for a moment or so, and th... HOSPITALITY
Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door. As he stood on the doorstep the water f... HOSTS
I thank you for your welcome which was cordial, And your cordial which was welcome. Here's to the host and the hostess, We're honored to be here tonight; May they both live long and prosper, May their star of hope ever be bri... HOTELS
In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by the day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the neck."--_Country Life_. ... HUNGER
A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh was pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished wolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped to devour it. But they soon caught up... HUNTING
A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting" in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guest shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game. After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to t... HURRY
See Haste. ... HUSBANDS
"Is she making him a good wife?" "Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband." A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, but unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally divided between the... HYBRIDIZATION
We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now we rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimenter attached to the Berlin War Office, who ... HYPERBOLE
"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had had their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used to out in my part of the country. The first season I planted 'em I thought my fortune was sure made. However, I... HYPOCRISY
Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness. TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?" TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."--_Graham Charteris_. ... IDEALS
The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny's father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeing an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams,... ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new." The patient went off gayly to w... IMAGINATION
One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about their respective ages. "I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May, and your's don't come till September." "Of course your birthday comes firs... IMITATION
Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of _As You Like It_ near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick edifice. One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the b... INFANTS
A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you have the baby half the time." "Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!" "Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights." "Is the baby strong?" "Well, rather! Y... INQUISITIVENESS
_See_ Wives. ... INSANITY
_See_ Editors; Love. ... INSPIRATIONS
She was from Boston, and he was not. He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew nothing, and their books, of which he knew less. Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo and Juliet?'" He fl... INSTALMENT PLAN
Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying instalments on. ... INSTRUCTIONS
A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned to the young man in uniform. ... INSURANCE BLANKS
_See_ Irish bulls. ... INSURANCE, LIFE
A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other day. "Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked. "No," said the man. "Do you motor?" "No." "Do you, then, perhaps, fly?" "No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I... INSURGENTS
"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call that kind of cucumber?" "That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It doesn't always agree with a party." ... INTERVIEWS
"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?" "No," replied Senator Soghum. "But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?" "Those were not my views. Those were my interviews." ... INVITATIONS
"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to the attitude of the couple. The invitati... IRISH BULLS
Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion, asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when he says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot th... IRISHMEN
A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs a brick-yard.--_Chicago Tribune_. Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New England preacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen hundred--a spar... IRREVERENCE
There were three young women of Birmingham, And I know a sad story concerning 'em: They stuck needles and pins In the reverend shins Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. A few years ago Henry... JEWELS
The girl with the ruby lips we like, The lass with teeth of pearl, The maid with the eyes like diamonds, The cheek-like-coral girl; The girl with the alabaster brow, The lass from the Emerald Isle. All these we like, but not... JEWS
What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin the banana. He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitively at the little oily Jew ... JOKES
A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and different in that the joke can be cracked again.--_William J. Burtscher_. JOKELY--"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out last week." BOGGS--"What luck did ... JOURNALISM
A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. Turning to the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the little pate, "this boy seems to have a journalistic head." "Oh," cried the untutored old aunty, soothingly, "never you ... JUDGES
A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish. An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the interpreter. "What does he say?" demanded his lordship. "Nothing, my lord," was the reply. "Ho... JUDGMENT
HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women." WIFE--"Oh, yes--you married me, and I you."--_Life_. ... JURY
In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say, "Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was convulsed with laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the dock. There was recently haled into an Alabama court a li... JUSTICE
There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side. "What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hour ago!" "Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me too hard, so I thought I'd just... JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store. A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the station. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid done?" ... KENTUCKY
Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws. ... KINDNESS
Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at home.--_Abe Martin_. An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As they crossed a ... KINGS AND RULERS
"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing to my accomplishments." "Aren't they rather light?" "They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a revolution occurs and I have to go into vaudeville." The... KISSES
Here's to a kiss: Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score, Then to that twenty add a hundred more; A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on, To make that thousand quite a million, Treble that million, and when that is done ...