KNOWLEDGE
A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a
crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said:
"My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't
teach mine a single trick."
The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, you
see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learn
him nothin'."
With knowledge and love the world is made.--_Anatole France_.
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IRISHMEN
A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs a brick-yard.--_Chicago Tribune_. Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New England preacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen hundred--a spar... IRREVERENCE
There were three young women of Birmingham, And I know a sad story concerning 'em: They stuck needles and pins In the reverend shins Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. A few years ago Henry... JEWELS
The girl with the ruby lips we like, The lass with teeth of pearl, The maid with the eyes like diamonds, The cheek-like-coral girl; The girl with the alabaster brow, The lass from the Emerald Isle. All these we like, but not... JEWS
What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin the banana. He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitively at the little oily Jew ... JOKES
A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and different in that the joke can be cracked again.--_William J. Burtscher_. JOKELY--"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out last week." BOGGS--"What luck did ... JOURNALISM
A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. Turning to the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the little pate, "this boy seems to have a journalistic head." "Oh," cried the untutored old aunty, soothingly, "never you ... JUDGES
A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish. An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the interpreter. "What does he say?" demanded his lordship. "Nothing, my lord," was the reply. "Ho... JUDGMENT
HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women." WIFE--"Oh, yes--you married me, and I you."--_Life_. ... JURY
In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say, "Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was convulsed with laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the dock. There was recently haled into an Alabama court a li... JUSTICE
There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side. "What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hour ago!" "Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me too hard, so I thought I'd just... JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store. A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the station. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid done?" ... KENTUCKY
Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws. ... KINDNESS
Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at home.--_Abe Martin_. An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As they crossed a ... KINGS AND RULERS
"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing to my accomplishments." "Aren't they rather light?" "They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a revolution occurs and I have to go into vaudeville." The... KISSES
Here's to a kiss: Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score, Then to that twenty add a hundred more; A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on, To make that thousand quite a million, Treble that million, and when that is done ... KNOWLEDGE
A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said: "My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't teach mine a single trick." The man... KULTUR
HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)--"I think you iss a stupid fool!" MONSIEUR--"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, we both mistaken."--_Life_. ... LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES
A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out. "What'll ye pay?" asked Si. "I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer. Si scratched his hea... LADIES
_See_ Etiquet; Woman. ... LANDLORDS
An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had pointed out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap to him. "Pat," he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of property in this district!" "He has, sir," re... LANGUAGES
George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and his companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old Arab. Ade's friend complained to him afterward that although he had spent years in studying Arabic in preparation fo... LAUGHTER
TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom." FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted." Laugh and the world laughs with you, Weep, and the laugh's on you. About the best and finest th... LAW
_See_ Punishment. ... LAWYERS
Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting his bill.--_Puck_. George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and on seating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into his trousers' ... LAZINESS
A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a querulous old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen minutes at a stretch. "Why, man," said the tourist, "you ought to be able to make lots of money shipping green corn... LEAP YEAR
A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked: "George, as it is leap year--" The caller turned pale. "As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regularly now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, ... LEGISLATORS
Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to inspect an insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the committee spent in the investigation, and Mr. Reed took for a partner one of the fair unfortunates to whom he was introduced. ... LIARS
There are three kinds of liars: 1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone. 2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a careful study of human nature. If you don't put him in jail, he will find out tha... LIBERTY
Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be slaves of the things we do like. A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty Is worth a whole eternity in bondage. --_Addison_. Where liberty dwells, there is my country.... LIBRARIANS
A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The Public Library will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for the annual cleaning and vacation of the librarians." The modern librarian is a genius. All the proof needed is the st...