NAMES, PERSONAL
Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. He
was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who demanded,
"Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian name?"
"Madame, I have none," he gravely assured her.--_John Pearson_.
FRIEND-"So your great Russian actor was a total failure?"
MANAGER-"Yes. It took all our profits to pay for running the electri
light sign with his name on it."--_Puck_.
A somewhat unpatriotic little son of Italy, twelve years old, came to
his teacher in the public school and asked if he could not have his name
changed.
"Why do you wish to change your name?" the teacher asked.
"I want to be an American. I live in America now. I no longer want to be
a Dago."
"What American name would you like to have?"
"I have it here," he said, handing the teacher a dirty scrap of paper on
which was written--Patrick Dennis McCarty.
A shy young man once said to a young lady: "I wish dear, that we were on
such terms of intimacy that you would not mind calling me by my first
name."
"Oh," she replied, "your second name is good enough for me."
An American travelling in Europe engaged a courier. Arriving at an inn
in Austria, the man asked his servant to enter his name in accordance
with the police regulations of that country. Some time after, the man
asked the servant if he had complied with his orders.
"Yes, sir," was the reply.
"How did you write my name?" asked the master.
"Well, sir, I can't pronounce it," answered the servant, "but I copied
it from your portmanteau, sir."
"Why, my name isn't there. Bring me the book." The register was brought,
and, instead of the plain American name of two syllables, the following
entry was revealed:
"Monsieur Warranted Solid Leather."
--_M.A. Hitchcock_.
The story is told of Helen Hunt, the famous author of "Ramona," that
one morning after church service she found a purse full of money and
told her pastor about it.
"Very well," he said, "you keep it, and at the evening service I will
announce it," which he did in this wise:
"This morning there was found in this church a purse filled with money.
If the owner is present he or she can go to Helen Hunt for it."
And the minister wondered why the congregation tittered!
A street-car "masher" tried in every way to attract the attention of the
pretty young girl opposite him. Just as he had about given up, the girl,
entirely unconscious of what had been going on, happened to glance in
his direction. The "masher" immediately took fresh courage.
"It's cold out to-day, isn't it?" he ventured.
The girl smiled and nodded assent, but had nothing to say.
"My name is Specknoodle," he volunteered.
"Oh, I am so sorry," she said sympathetically, as she left the car.
The comedian came on with affected diffidence.
"At our last stand," quoth he, "I noticed a man laughing while I was
doing my turn. Honest, now! My, how he laughed! He laughed until he
split. Till he split, mind you. Thinks I to myself, I'll just find out
about the man and so, when the show was over, I went up to him.
"My friend," says I, "I've heard that there's nothing in a name, but are
you not one of the Wood family?"
"I am," says he, "and what's more, my grandfather was a Pine!"
"No Wood, you know, splits any easier than a Pine."--_Ramsey Benson_.
"But Eliza," said the mistress, "your little boy was christened George
Washington. Why do you call him Izaak Walton? Walton, you know, was the
famous fisherman."
"Yes'm," answered Eliza, "but dat chile's repetashun fo' telling de
troof made dat change imper'tive."
The mother of the girl baby, herself named Rachel, frankly told her
husband that she was tired of the good old names borne by most of the
eminent members of the family, and she would like to give the little
girl a name entirely different. Then she wrote on a slip of paper
"Eugénie," and asked her husband if he didn't think that was a pretty
name.
The father studied the name for a moment and then said: "Vell, call her
Yousheenie, but I don't see vat you gain by it."
There was a great swell in Japan,
Whose name on a Tuesday began;
It lasted through Sunday
Till twilight on Monday,
And sounded like stones in a can.
He was a young lawyer who had just started practicing in a small town
and hung his sign outside of his office door. It read: "A. Swindler." A
stranger who called to consult him saw the sign and said: "My goodness,
man, look at that sign! Don't you see how it reads? Put in your first
name--Alexander, Ambrose or whatever it is."
"Oh, yes I know," said the lawyer resignedly, "but I don't exactly like
to do it."
"Why not?" asked the client. "It looks mighty bad as it is. What is your
first name?"
"Adam."
Who hath not own'd, with rapture-smitten frame,
The power of grace, the magic of a name.
--_Campbell_.
More
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MATRIMONY
_See_ Marriage. ... MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short and stout friend on Washington Street. "What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other. "Well," explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to Brother Sm... MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS
PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?" THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's out of a perfect kid." ... MEDICINE
The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his medicine case, gave the animal so... MEEKNESS
One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge all the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the library table, upon which were sp... MEMORIALS
Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes. Said the cook: "Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers on my grave. Jes' plant... MEMORY
"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on a drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me that you remember seeing George Washington--am I mistaken?" "No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him... MEN
Here's to the men! God bless them! Worst of me sins, I confess them! In loving them all; be they great or small, So here's to the boys! God bless them! May all single men be married, And all married men be happy. "Wh... MESSAGES
"Have you the rent ready?" "No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you." "Did she tell you she'd forgotten?" "Yes, sir." One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man, who, while floating in t... METAPHOR
It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed the woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst out: "It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the teeth of the advancing wave that is sounding the... MICE
"What's the matter with Briggs?" "He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the floor."--_Life_. ... MIDDLE CLASSES
WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?" PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything." ... MILITANTS
_See_ Suffragettes. ... MILITARY DISCIPLINE
Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop. "Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount without orders." Murphy was no sooner in t... MILLINERS
Recipe for a milliner: To a presence that's much more than queenly, Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere; You feel like a worm in her sight when she says, "Only $300, my dear!" --_Life_. ... MILLIONAIRES
Recipe for a multi-millionaire: Take a boy with bare feet as a starter Add thrift and sobriety, mixed-- Flavor with quarts of religion, And see that the tariff is fixed. --_Life_. MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)--"Be off with you... MINORITIES
Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of his plays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience: "What do you think of it?" This startled everybody for the time being, but presently a man in the pit assembled his scattered wits a... MISERS
There was an old man of Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket; But his daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man-- And as for the bucket, Nantucket. A mere madness, to live like a wretch, and die rich.--_Robert Burton_. ... MISSIONARIES
SHE--"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched cannibals!" HE--"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste in religion!" At a meeting of the Women's Foreign Missionary Society in a large city church a discussion arose... MISSIONS
"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale, as she entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was stuffing broken toys, headless dolls, ragged clothes and general debris into an open box. "Why, mother," cried Hilda, ... MISTAKEN IDENTITY
There was a young fellow named Paul, Who went to a fancy dress ball; They say, just for fun He dressed up like a bun, And was "et" by a dog in the hall. A Scottish woman, who was spending her holidays in London, entered a bric... MOLLYCODDLES
"Tommy, why don't you play with Frank any more?" asked Tommy's mother, who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a new boy on the block. "I thought you were such good chums." "We was," replied Tommy superciliously, "but he's a moll... MONEY
In some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks for children. One Saturday a small boy arrived with an important air and withdrew 2 cents from his account. Monday morning he promptly returned the money. "So you didn't spend y... MORAL EDUCATION
Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playing quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek. An interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had hit the other who had done nothing. "Well," repli... MOSQUITOES
Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a convention in Oklahoma City recently, told this story, illustrating a point he made: "A northern gentleman was being entertained by a southern colonel on a fishing-trip. It was his first visit to the... MOTHERS
While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of General Washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses driven before a plow by a burly slave. Finer animals he had never seen. When his eyes had feasted on their beauty he cri... MOTHERSINLAW
Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man. "Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?" Justice Brewer smiled and answered: "Two mothers-in-law." SHE--"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?" ... MOTORCYCLES
The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community, and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go by without any visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged, however, when a motorcycle followed closely in its wak... MOUNTAINS
Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of having victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them (at long range) fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of mountains. It is said that the captain of a steamboat on... MOVING PICTURES
"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest." "Not exactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to be. This revolution is being financed by a moving-picture concern." ... MUCKRAKING
The way of the transgressor is well written up. ... MULES
Gen. O.O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religious principles, and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty equally between fighting and evangelism. Howard's brigade was known all through the army as the Christian brigade, a... MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT
"What's the trouble in Plunkville?" "We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission." "Well?" "Now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to some good magazine." ... MUSEUMS
It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who took six of her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but their enthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals and their open-eyed wonder at the prehistoric fossils amply repaid ... MUSIC
The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the piano player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in the lady who stood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the dots on her veil. A thief broke into a Madison aven... MUSICIANS
FATHER--"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door to your house, as I suggested?" BOY--"Yes, sir." FATHER-"And what did he say?" BOY--"'E said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had better give up playin' the pianner."... NAMES, PERSONAL
Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. He was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who demanded, "Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian name?" "Madame, I have none," he gravely assured her.--_John Pear... NATIVES
FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)--"Seventh standard, is she? Plays the planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet." FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT--"I've no doubt that's meant to be very funny, Bill Smith; but as it 'appens you're only exposin' you... NATURE LOVERS
"Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?" "What for?" "For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf and he hasn't heard a robin this summer." ... NAVIGATION
The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the Captain why he didn't go on. "Can't see up the river, madam." "But, Captain," she persisted, "I can see the stars overhead." "Yes, ma'am," said the Captain, "but until t... NEATNESS
The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of common remark, and husbands in that part of the country are supposed to appreciate their advantages. A bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be another side to the ma... NEGROES
A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o' cou't-plaster." "What color," he asked. "Flesh cullah, suh." Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster. The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was omi... NEIGHBORS
THE MAN AT THE DOOR--"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner." THE WOMAN--"I didn't send for a piano-tuner." THE MAN--"I know it, lady; the neighbors did." ... NEW JERSEY
"You must have had a terrible experience with no food, and mosquitoes swarming around you," I said to the shipwrecked mariner who had been cast upon the Jersey sands. "You just bet I had a terrible experience," he acknowledged. "My experience w... NEW YORK CITY
At a convention of Methodist Bishops held in Washington, the Bishop of New York made a stirring address extolling the powers and possibilities of his state. Bishop Hamilton, of California, like all good Californians, is imbued with the conviction ... NEWS
Soon after the installation of the telegraph in Fredericksburg, Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece of newspaper that had blown up on the telegraph wires and caught there. Running to my grandmother in a great state ... NEWSPAPERS
A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you tired, my boy?" "Naw, I don't read 'em," replied the lad. VOX POPULI--"Do you think you've boosted your circul... OBESITY
_See_ Corpulence. ... OBITUARIES
If you have frequent fainting spells, accompanied by chills, cramps, corns, bunions, chilblains, epilepsy and jaundice, it is a sign that you are not well, but liable to die any minute. Pay your subscription in advance and thus make yourself solid... OBSERVATION
In his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an ambitious father tried to give some good advice. "Be observing, my son," said the father on one occasion. "Cultivate the habit of seeing, and you will be a successful man. Study things and... OCCUPATIONS
Mrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in the neighborhood, was entertaining a neighbor one afternoon, when the latter inquired: "An' what does your old man do, Mrs. Hennessey?" "Sure, he's a di'mond-cuttter." "Ye don't mane it!" "Yis; h... OCEAN
A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took down from Boston. "Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following morning. "Sure, I did not, ma'am," was the reply; "the snorin' of the ocean kept me awake all ni... OFFICE BOYS
"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?" "I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in three mining-companies now." ... OFFICESEEKERS
A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at one time represented in Congress, through a couple of terms a district not far from the national capitol, moved to California where in a year or so he rose to be sufficiently prominent to become a congre... OLD AGE
_See_ Age. ... OLD MASTERS
_See_ Paintings. ... ONIONS
Can the Burbanks of the glorious West Either make or buy or sell An onion with an onion's taste But with a violet's smell? SHE--"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away." HE--"Why stop there? An onion a day will ... OPERA
"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" asked Mrs. Cumrox. "There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her husband. "Yes." "Then I guess it's one of them." ... OPPORTUNITY
Many a man creates his own lack of opportunities.--_Life_. Who seeks, and will not take when once 'tis offer'd, Shall never find it more. --_Shakespeare_. In life's small things be resolute and great To keep thy muscles train... OPTIMISM
Optimism is Worry on a spree.--_Judge_. An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is doesn't happen to him. An optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to him.--_J.J. O'Connell_. An optimist is a woman w... ORATORS
It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd on the streets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning, suh, of the conco's befor' the co't house?" To which the majah replied: "General Buckneh is making a speech. Gener... OUTDOOR LIFE
One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled into Helena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the "mule-skinners," to a man, repaired to the Combination Gambling House and proceeded to load themselves. Late in the afternoon, ... PAINTING
_See_ Art. ... PAINTINGS
She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employed in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlightening her in regard to various duties, etc. At last they reached the best room. "These," said the mistress of t... PANICS
One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very perceptible odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent, when an actor appeared on the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "compose yourselves. There is no ... PARENTS
William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for interrupting while his father was telling his mother about the new telephone for their house. He sulked awhile, then went to his mother, and, patting her on the cheeks, said, "Mother dear,... PARROTS
Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, walking down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking and singing. Thinking to pet it he stroked its head. The bird turned quickly, screaming, "Hello! What do you want?" P... PARTNERSHIP
A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in his business as follows: "Notice--De co-pardnership heretofore resisting between me and Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what owe de firm will settle wid me, and dem what de f... PASSWORDS
"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two years rented a safety-deposit box. "Very well," replied the man in charge. "What is the old one?" "Gladys." "And what do you wish the new one to be?" "Mabel. Gladys has gone to R... PATIENCE
"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately." "Yes, he is, very." "What is the matter with him?" "He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sit patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at his bait." ... PATRIOTISM
General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the following story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when a dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking, his head bandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him... PENSIONS
WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace." GILLIS--"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations to agree that in case of war the winner pays the pensions."--_Puck_. "Why was it you never married again, Aunt Sallie?" inqu...