PATRIOTISM
General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the following
story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when a
dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking, his head
bandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him. He was soliloquizing in
this manner:
"I love my country. I'd fight for my country. I'd starve and go thirsty
for my country. I'd die for my country. But if eve
over I'll never love another country!"
A snobbish young Englishman visiting Washington's home at Mount Vernon
was so patronizing as to arouse the wrath of guards and caretakers; but
it remained for "Shep" Wright, an aged gardener and one of the first
scouts of the Confederate army, to settle the gentleman. Approaching
"Shep," the Englishman said:
"Ah--er--my man, the hedge! Yes, I see, George got this hedge from dear
old England."
"Reckon he did," replied "Shep". "He got this whole blooming country
from England."
Speaking of the policy of the Government of the United States with
respect to its troublesome neighbors in Central and South America,
"Uncle Joe" Cannon told of a Missouri congressman who is decidedly
opposed to any interference in this regard by our country. It seems that
this spring the Missourian met an Englishman at Washington with whom he
conversed touching affairs in the localities mentioned. The westerner
asserted his usual views with considerable forcefulness, winding up with
this observation:
"The whole trouble is that we Americans need a ---- good licking!"
"You do, indeed!" promptly asserted the Britisher, as if pleased by the
admission. But his exultation was of brief duration, for the Missouri
man immediately concluded with:
"But there ain't nobody can do it!"
A number of Confederate prisoners, during the Civil War, were detained
at one of the western military posts under conditions much less
unpleasant than those to be found in the ordinary military prison. Most
of them appreciated their comparatively good fortune. One young fellow,
though, could not be reconciled to association with Yankees under any
circumstances, and took advantage of every opportunity to express his
feelings. He was continually rubbing it in about the battle of
Chickamauga, which had just been fought with such disastrous results for
the Union forces.
"Maybe we didn't eat you up at Chickamauga!" was the way he generally
greeted a bluecoat.
The Union men, when they could stand it no longer, reported the matter
to General Grant. Grant summoned the prisoner.
"See here," said Grant, "I understand that you are continually insulting
the men here with reference to the battle of Chickamauga. They have
borne with you long enough, and I'm going to give you your choice of two
things. You will either take the oath of allegiance to the United
States, or be sent to a Northern prison. Choose."
The prisoner was silent for some time. "Well," he said at last, in a
resigned tone, "I reckon, General, I'll take the oath."
The oath was duly administered. Turning to Grant, the fellow then asked,
very penitently, if he might speak.
"Yes," said the general indifferently. "What is it?"
"Why, I was just thinkin', General," he drawled, "they certainly did
give us hell at Chickamauga."
Historical controversies are creeping into the schools. In a New York
public institution attended by many races, during an examination in
history the teacher asked a little chap who discovered America.
He was evidently thrown into a panic and hesitated, much to the
teacher's surprise, to make any reply.
"Oh, please, ma'am," he finally stammered, "ask me somethin' else."
"Something else, Jimmy? Why should I do that?"
"The fellers was talkin' 'bout it yesterday," replied Jimmy, "Pat McGee
said it was discovered by an Irish saint. Olaf, he said it was a sailor
from Norway, and Giovanni said it was Columbus, an' if you'd a-seen what
happened you wouldn't ask a little feller like me."
Our country! When right to be kept right; when wrong to be put
right!--_Carl Schurz_.
Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations, may she always be
in the right; but our country, right or wrong.--_Stephen Decatur_.
There are no points of the compass on the chart of true
patriotism.--_Robert C. Winthrop_.
Patriotic exercises and flag worship will avail nothing unless the
states give to their people of the kind of government that arouses
patriotism.--_Franklin Pierce II_.
More
-
MUSIC
The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the piano player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in the lady who stood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the dots on her veil. A thief broke into a Madison aven... MUSICIANS
FATHER--"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door to your house, as I suggested?" BOY--"Yes, sir." FATHER-"And what did he say?" BOY--"'E said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had better give up playin' the pianner."... NAMES, PERSONAL
Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. He was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who demanded, "Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian name?" "Madame, I have none," he gravely assured her.--_John Pear... NATIVES
FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)--"Seventh standard, is she? Plays the planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet." FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT--"I've no doubt that's meant to be very funny, Bill Smith; but as it 'appens you're only exposin' you... NATURE LOVERS
"Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?" "What for?" "For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf and he hasn't heard a robin this summer." ... NAVIGATION
The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the Captain why he didn't go on. "Can't see up the river, madam." "But, Captain," she persisted, "I can see the stars overhead." "Yes, ma'am," said the Captain, "but until t... NEATNESS
The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of common remark, and husbands in that part of the country are supposed to appreciate their advantages. A bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be another side to the ma... NEGROES
A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o' cou't-plaster." "What color," he asked. "Flesh cullah, suh." Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster. The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was omi... NEIGHBORS
THE MAN AT THE DOOR--"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner." THE WOMAN--"I didn't send for a piano-tuner." THE MAN--"I know it, lady; the neighbors did." ... NEW JERSEY
"You must have had a terrible experience with no food, and mosquitoes swarming around you," I said to the shipwrecked mariner who had been cast upon the Jersey sands. "You just bet I had a terrible experience," he acknowledged. "My experience w... NEW YORK CITY
At a convention of Methodist Bishops held in Washington, the Bishop of New York made a stirring address extolling the powers and possibilities of his state. Bishop Hamilton, of California, like all good Californians, is imbued with the conviction ... NEWS
Soon after the installation of the telegraph in Fredericksburg, Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece of newspaper that had blown up on the telegraph wires and caught there. Running to my grandmother in a great state ... NEWSPAPERS
A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you tired, my boy?" "Naw, I don't read 'em," replied the lad. VOX POPULI--"Do you think you've boosted your circul... OBESITY
_See_ Corpulence. ... OBITUARIES
If you have frequent fainting spells, accompanied by chills, cramps, corns, bunions, chilblains, epilepsy and jaundice, it is a sign that you are not well, but liable to die any minute. Pay your subscription in advance and thus make yourself solid... OBSERVATION
In his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an ambitious father tried to give some good advice. "Be observing, my son," said the father on one occasion. "Cultivate the habit of seeing, and you will be a successful man. Study things and... OCCUPATIONS
Mrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in the neighborhood, was entertaining a neighbor one afternoon, when the latter inquired: "An' what does your old man do, Mrs. Hennessey?" "Sure, he's a di'mond-cuttter." "Ye don't mane it!" "Yis; h... OCEAN
A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took down from Boston. "Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following morning. "Sure, I did not, ma'am," was the reply; "the snorin' of the ocean kept me awake all ni... OFFICE BOYS
"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?" "I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in three mining-companies now." ... OFFICESEEKERS
A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at one time represented in Congress, through a couple of terms a district not far from the national capitol, moved to California where in a year or so he rose to be sufficiently prominent to become a congre... OLD AGE
_See_ Age. ... OLD MASTERS
_See_ Paintings. ... ONIONS
Can the Burbanks of the glorious West Either make or buy or sell An onion with an onion's taste But with a violet's smell? SHE--"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away." HE--"Why stop there? An onion a day will ... OPERA
"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" asked Mrs. Cumrox. "There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her husband. "Yes." "Then I guess it's one of them." ... OPPORTUNITY
Many a man creates his own lack of opportunities.--_Life_. Who seeks, and will not take when once 'tis offer'd, Shall never find it more. --_Shakespeare_. In life's small things be resolute and great To keep thy muscles train... OPTIMISM
Optimism is Worry on a spree.--_Judge_. An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is doesn't happen to him. An optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to him.--_J.J. O'Connell_. An optimist is a woman w... ORATORS
It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd on the streets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning, suh, of the conco's befor' the co't house?" To which the majah replied: "General Buckneh is making a speech. Gener... OUTDOOR LIFE
One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled into Helena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the "mule-skinners," to a man, repaired to the Combination Gambling House and proceeded to load themselves. Late in the afternoon, ... PAINTING
_See_ Art. ... PAINTINGS
She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employed in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlightening her in regard to various duties, etc. At last they reached the best room. "These," said the mistress of t... PANICS
One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very perceptible odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent, when an actor appeared on the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "compose yourselves. There is no ... PARENTS
William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for interrupting while his father was telling his mother about the new telephone for their house. He sulked awhile, then went to his mother, and, patting her on the cheeks, said, "Mother dear,... PARROTS
Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, walking down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking and singing. Thinking to pet it he stroked its head. The bird turned quickly, screaming, "Hello! What do you want?" P... PARTNERSHIP
A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in his business as follows: "Notice--De co-pardnership heretofore resisting between me and Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what owe de firm will settle wid me, and dem what de f... PASSWORDS
"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two years rented a safety-deposit box. "Very well," replied the man in charge. "What is the old one?" "Gladys." "And what do you wish the new one to be?" "Mabel. Gladys has gone to R... PATIENCE
"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately." "Yes, he is, very." "What is the matter with him?" "He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sit patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at his bait." ... PATRIOTISM
General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the following story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when a dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking, his head bandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him... PENSIONS
WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace." GILLIS--"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations to agree that in case of war the winner pays the pensions."--_Puck_. "Why was it you never married again, Aunt Sallie?" inqu... PESSIMISM
A pessimist is a man who lives with an optimist.--_Francis Wilson_. How happy are the Pessimists! A bliss without alloy Is theirs when they have proved to us There's no such thing as joy! --_Harold Susman_. A pessimist i... PHILADELPHIA
A Staten Island man, when the mosquitoes began to get busy in the borough across the bay, has been in the habit every summer of transplanting his family to the Delaware Water Gap for a few weeks. They were discussing their plans the other day, whe... PHILANTHROPISTS
Little grains of short weight, Little crooked twists, Fill the land with magnates And philanthropists. _See also_ Charity. ... PHILOSOPHY
Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world which you can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can have them.--_Puck_. ... PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
The eight-year-old son of a Baltimore physician, together with a friend, was playing in his father's office, during the absence of the doctor, when suddenly the first lad threw open a closet door and disclosed to the terrified gaze of his little f... PICKPOCKETS
_See_ Thieves; Wives. ... PINS
"Oh, dear!" sighed the wife as she was dressing for a dinner-party, "I can't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the pins go to, anyway?" "That's a difficult question to answer," replied her husband, "because they are always pointed in one d... PITTSBURG
"How about that airship?" "It went up in smoke." "Burned, eh?" "Oh, no. Made an ascension at Pittsburg." SKYBOUGH--"Why have you put that vacuum cleaner in front of your airship?" KLOUDLEIGH--"To clear a path. I have an engagement t... PLAY
The mother heard a great commotion, as of cyclones mixed up with battering-rams, and she hurried upstairs to discover what was the matter. There she found Tommie sitting in the middle of the floor with a broad smile on his face. "Oh, Mama," sai... PLEASURE
BILLY--"Huh! I bet you didn't have a good time at your birthday party yesterday." WILLIE--"I bet I did." BILLY--"Then why ain't you sick today?" Winnie had been very naughty, and her mamma said: "Don't you know you will never go to Heave... POETRY
Poetry is a gift we are told, but most editors won't take it even at that. ... POETS
EDITOR--"Have you submitted this poem anywhere else?" JOKESMITH--"No, sir." EDITOR--"Then where did you get that black eye?"--_Satire_. "Why is it," asked the persistent poetess, "that you always insist that we write on one side of the pa... POLICE
A man who was "wanted" in Russia had been photographed in six different positions, and the pictures duly circulated among the police department. A few days later the chief of police wrote to headquarters: "Sir, I have duly received the portraits o... POLITENESS
_See_ Courtesy; Etiquet. ... POLITICAL PARTIES
ZOO SUPERINTENDENT--"What was all the rumpus out there this morning?" ATTENDANT--"The bull moose and the elephant were fighting over their feed." "What happened?" "The donkey ate it."--_Life_. ... POLITICIANS
Politicians always belong to the opposite party. The man who goes into politics as a business has no business to go into politics.--_Life_. A political orator, evidently better acquainted with western geography than with the language of t... POLITICS
Politics consists of two sides and a fence. If I were asked to define politics in relation to the British public, I should define it as a spasm of pain recurring once in every four or five years.--_A.E.W. Mason_. LITTLE CLARENCE (who has ... POVERTY
Poverty is no disgrace, but that's about all that can be said in its favor. A traveler passing through the Broad Top Mountain district in northern Bedford County, Pennsylvania, last summer, came across a lad of sixteen cultivating a patch of ... PRAISE
WIFE (complainingly)--"You never praise me up to any one." HUB--"I don't, eh! You should hear me describe you at the intelligence office when I'm trying to hire a cook." "What sort of a man is he?" "Well, he's just what I've been looking ... PRAYER MEETINGS
A foreigner who attended a prayer meeting in Indiana was asked what the assistants did. "Not very much," he said, "only they sin and bray." ... PRAYERS
During the winter the village preacher was taken sick, and several of his children were also afflicted with the mumps. One day a number of the devout church members called to pray for the family. While they were about it a boy, the son of a member... PREACHING
The services in the chapel of a certain western university are from time to time conducted by eminent clergymen of many denominations and from many cities. On one occasion, when one of these visiting divines asked the president how long he shou... PRESCRIPTIONS
After a month's work in intensely warm weather a gardener in the suburbs became ill, and the anxious little wife sent for a doctor, who wrote a prescription after examining the patient. The doctor, upon departing, said: "Just let your husband take... PRESENCE OF MIND
"What did you do when you met the train-robber face to face?" "I explained that I had been interviewed by the ticket-seller, the luggage-carriers, the dining-car waiters, and the sleeping-car porters and borrowed a dollar from him." ... PRINTERS
The master of all trades: He beats the farmer with his fast "hoe," the carpenter with his "rule," and the mason in "setting up tall columns"; and he surpasses the lawyer and the doctor in attending to the "cases," and beats the parson in the manag... PRISONS
A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case was given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentenced him to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man, fond of a smile, and feeling particularly... PRODIGALS
"Why did the father of the prodigal son fall on his neck and weep?" "Cos he had ter kill the fatted calf, an' de son wasn't wort' it." ... PROFANITY
THE RECTOR--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word an oath." THE MAN--"Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it." FIRST DEAF MUTE--"He wasn't so very angry, wa... PROHIBITION
"Talking about dry towns, have you ever been in Leavenworth, Kansas?" asked the commercial traveler in the smoking-car. "No? Well, that's a dry town for you, all right." "They can't sell liquor at all there?" asked one of the men. "Only if yo... PROMOTING
Mr. Harcourt, the Secretary of State for the Colonies, at the British North Borneo dinner, said that a City friend of his was approached with a view to floating a rubber company. His friend was quite ready. "How many trees have you?" he asked. "We... PROMOTION
Promotion cometh neither from the east nor the west, but from the cemetery.--_Edward Sanford Martin_. ... PROMPTNESS
"Are you first in anything at school, Earlie?" "First out of the building when the bell rings." The head of a large business house bought a number of those "Do it now" signs and hung them up around his offices. When, after the first few day... PRONUNCIATION
A tale is told of a Kansas minister, a great precisionist in the use of words, whose exactness sometimes destroyed the force of what he was saying. On one occasion, in the course of an eloquent prayer, he pleaded: "O Lord! waken thy cause in th... PROPORTION
A middle-aged colored woman in a Georgia village, hearing a commotion in a neighbor's cabin, looked in at the door. On the floor lay a small boy writhing in great distress while his mother bent solicitously over him. "What-all's de matter wif de...