PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS
The attorney demanded to know how many secret societies the witness
belonged to, whereupon the witness objected and appealed to the court.
"The court sees no harm in the question," answered the judge. "You may
answer."
"Well, I belong to three."
"What are they?"
"The Knights of Pythias, the Odd Fellows, and the gas company."
"Yes, he had some rare trouble with his eyes," said the celebrated
oculist. "Every time he went to read he would read double."
"Poor fellow," remarked the sympathetic person. "I suppose that
interfered with his holding a good position?"
"Not at all. The gas company gobbled him up and gave him a lucrative
job reading gas-meters."
More
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PRESENCE OF MIND
"What did you do when you met the train-robber face to face?" "I explained that I had been interviewed by the ticket-seller, the luggage-carriers, the dining-car waiters, and the sleeping-car porters and borrowed a dollar from him." ... PRINTERS
The master of all trades: He beats the farmer with his fast "hoe," the carpenter with his "rule," and the mason in "setting up tall columns"; and he surpasses the lawyer and the doctor in attending to the "cases," and beats the parson in the manag... PRISONS
A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case was given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentenced him to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man, fond of a smile, and feeling particularly... PRODIGALS
"Why did the father of the prodigal son fall on his neck and weep?" "Cos he had ter kill the fatted calf, an' de son wasn't wort' it." ... PROFANITY
THE RECTOR--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word an oath." THE MAN--"Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it." FIRST DEAF MUTE--"He wasn't so very angry, wa... PROHIBITION
"Talking about dry towns, have you ever been in Leavenworth, Kansas?" asked the commercial traveler in the smoking-car. "No? Well, that's a dry town for you, all right." "They can't sell liquor at all there?" asked one of the men. "Only if yo... PROMOTING
Mr. Harcourt, the Secretary of State for the Colonies, at the British North Borneo dinner, said that a City friend of his was approached with a view to floating a rubber company. His friend was quite ready. "How many trees have you?" he asked. "We... PROMOTION
Promotion cometh neither from the east nor the west, but from the cemetery.--_Edward Sanford Martin_. ... PROMPTNESS
"Are you first in anything at school, Earlie?" "First out of the building when the bell rings." The head of a large business house bought a number of those "Do it now" signs and hung them up around his offices. When, after the first few day... PRONUNCIATION
A tale is told of a Kansas minister, a great precisionist in the use of words, whose exactness sometimes destroyed the force of what he was saying. On one occasion, in the course of an eloquent prayer, he pleaded: "O Lord! waken thy cause in th... PROPORTION
A middle-aged colored woman in a Georgia village, hearing a commotion in a neighbor's cabin, looked in at the door. On the floor lay a small boy writhing in great distress while his mother bent solicitously over him. "What-all's de matter wif de... PROPOSALS
A love-smitten youth who was studying the approved method of proposal asked one of his bachelor friends if he thought that a young man should propose to a girl on his knees. "If he doesn't," replied his friend, "the girl should get off." A ... PROPRIETY
There was a young lady of Wilts, Who walked up to Scotland on stilts; When they said it was shocking To show so much stocking, She answered: "Then what about kilts?" --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. ... PROSPERITY
May bad fortune follow you all your days And never catch up with you. ... PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH
One of our popular New England lecturers tells this amusing story. A street boy of diminutive stature was trying to sell some very young kittens to passers-by. One day he accosted the late Reverend Phillips Brooks, asking him to purchase, and ... PROTESTANTS
A Protestant mission meeting had been held in an Irish town and this was the gardener's contribution to the controversy that ensued: "Pratestants!" he said with lofty scorn, "'Twas mighty little St. Paul thought of the Pratestants. You've all hear... PROVIDENCE
"Why did papa have appendicitis and have to pay the doctor a thousand dollars, Mama?" "It was God's will, dear." "And was it because God was mad at papa or pleased with the doctor?"--_Life_. There's a certain minister whose duties someti... PROVINCIALISM
Some time ago an English friend of Colonel W.J. Lampton's living in New York and having never visited the South, went to Virginia to spend a month with friends. After a fortnight of it, he wrote back: "Oh, I say, old top, you never told me that ... PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS
The attorney demanded to know how many secret societies the witness belonged to, whereupon the witness objected and appealed to the court. "The court sees no harm in the question," answered the judge. "You may answer." "Well, I belong to thre... PUBLIC SPEAKERS
ORATOR--"I thought your paper was friendly to me?" EDITOR--"So it is. What's the matter?" ORATOR--"I made a speech at the dinner last night, and you didn't print a line of it." EDITOR--"Well, what further proof do you want?" TRAVELING ... PUNISHMENT
A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote the teacher: "Dear Miss: Don't hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home except in self-defense." "No, sirree!" ejaculated Bunkerton. "There wasn't any of that nonsense ... PUNS
A father once said to his son, "The next time you make up a pun, Go out in the yard And kick yourself hard, And I will begin when you've done." ... PURE FOOD
Into a general store of a town in Arkansas there recently came a darky complaining that a ham which he had purchased there was not good. "The ham is all right, Zeph," insisted the storekeeper. "No, it ain't, boss," insisted the negro. "Dat ham... QUARRELS
"But why did you leave your last place?" the lady asked of the would-be cook. "To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master an' the missus used to quarrel, mum." "Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quar... QUESTIONS
The more questions a woman asks the fewer answers she remembers.--_Wasp_. It was a very hot day and the fat drummer who wanted the twelve-twenty train got through the gate at just twelve-twenty-one. The ensuing handicap was watched with absor... QUOTATIONS
Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal minister, having cause to be anxious about his son's college examinations, told him to telegraph the result. The boy sent the following message to his parent: "Hymn 342, fifth verse, last two lines." Loo... RACE PREJUDICES
A negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion by the recital of a dream had by a member of the church. "I was a-dreamin' all dis time," said the narrator, "dat I was in ole Satan's dominions. I tell you, pahson, dat was shore a... RACE PRIDE
Sam Jones, the evangelist, was leading a revival meeting in Huntsville, Texas, a number of years ago, and at the close of one of the services an old negro woman pushed her way up through the crowd to the edge of the pulpit platform. Sam took the p... RACE SUICIDE
"Prisoner, why did you assault this landlord?" "Your Honor, because I have several children he refused to rent me a flat." "Well, that is his privilege." "But, your Honor, he calls his apartment house 'The Roosevelt.'" ... RACES
In answer to the question, "What are the five great races of mankind?" a Chinese student replied, "The 100 yards, the hurdles, the quartermile, the mile, and the three miles." "Now, Thomas," said the foreman of the construction gang to a green... RAILROADS
"Talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin'," said Brother Dickey, "des look at de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de state, ter dem folks 'way up North what never done nuthin' ter deserve sich a dispensation!" On one of the southe... RAPID TRANSIT
One cold, wintry morning a man of tall and angular build was walking down a steep hill at a quick pace. A treacherous piece of ice under the snow caused him to lose control of his feet; he began to slide and was unable to stop. At a cross-stree... READING
_See_ Books and Reading. ... REAL ESTATE AGENTS
Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little fib." ANITA--"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the same as a lie." NELLY--"No, it is not." ANITA--"Yes, it is, because my father said so, and my father is a professor at t... REALISM
The storekeeper at Yount, Idaho, tells the following tale of Ole Olson, who later became the little town's mayor. "One night, just before closin' up time, Ole, hatless, coatless, and breathless, come rushin' into the store, an' droppin' on his k... RECALL
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Johnny, what is the text from Judges?" JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum." "Senator, why don't you unpack your trunk? You'll be in Washington for six years." "I don't know about that. My state...