QUOTATIONS
Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal minister, having cause to be
anxious about his son's college examinations, told him to telegraph the
result. The boy sent the following message to his parent: "Hymn 342,
fifth verse, last two lines."
Looking it up the father found the words: "Sorrow vanquished, labor
ended, Jordan passed."
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PROPOSALS
A love-smitten youth who was studying the approved method of proposal asked one of his bachelor friends if he thought that a young man should propose to a girl on his knees. "If he doesn't," replied his friend, "the girl should get off." A ... PROPRIETY
There was a young lady of Wilts, Who walked up to Scotland on stilts; When they said it was shocking To show so much stocking, She answered: "Then what about kilts?" --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. ... PROSPERITY
May bad fortune follow you all your days And never catch up with you. ... PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH
One of our popular New England lecturers tells this amusing story. A street boy of diminutive stature was trying to sell some very young kittens to passers-by. One day he accosted the late Reverend Phillips Brooks, asking him to purchase, and ... PROTESTANTS
A Protestant mission meeting had been held in an Irish town and this was the gardener's contribution to the controversy that ensued: "Pratestants!" he said with lofty scorn, "'Twas mighty little St. Paul thought of the Pratestants. You've all hear... PROVIDENCE
"Why did papa have appendicitis and have to pay the doctor a thousand dollars, Mama?" "It was God's will, dear." "And was it because God was mad at papa or pleased with the doctor?"--_Life_. There's a certain minister whose duties someti... PROVINCIALISM
Some time ago an English friend of Colonel W.J. Lampton's living in New York and having never visited the South, went to Virginia to spend a month with friends. After a fortnight of it, he wrote back: "Oh, I say, old top, you never told me that ... PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS
The attorney demanded to know how many secret societies the witness belonged to, whereupon the witness objected and appealed to the court. "The court sees no harm in the question," answered the judge. "You may answer." "Well, I belong to thre... PUBLIC SPEAKERS
ORATOR--"I thought your paper was friendly to me?" EDITOR--"So it is. What's the matter?" ORATOR--"I made a speech at the dinner last night, and you didn't print a line of it." EDITOR--"Well, what further proof do you want?" TRAVELING ... PUNISHMENT
A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote the teacher: "Dear Miss: Don't hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home except in self-defense." "No, sirree!" ejaculated Bunkerton. "There wasn't any of that nonsense ... PUNS
A father once said to his son, "The next time you make up a pun, Go out in the yard And kick yourself hard, And I will begin when you've done." ... PURE FOOD
Into a general store of a town in Arkansas there recently came a darky complaining that a ham which he had purchased there was not good. "The ham is all right, Zeph," insisted the storekeeper. "No, it ain't, boss," insisted the negro. "Dat ham... QUARRELS
"But why did you leave your last place?" the lady asked of the would-be cook. "To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master an' the missus used to quarrel, mum." "Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quar... QUESTIONS
The more questions a woman asks the fewer answers she remembers.--_Wasp_. It was a very hot day and the fat drummer who wanted the twelve-twenty train got through the gate at just twelve-twenty-one. The ensuing handicap was watched with absor... QUOTATIONS
Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal minister, having cause to be anxious about his son's college examinations, told him to telegraph the result. The boy sent the following message to his parent: "Hymn 342, fifth verse, last two lines." Loo... RACE PREJUDICES
A negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion by the recital of a dream had by a member of the church. "I was a-dreamin' all dis time," said the narrator, "dat I was in ole Satan's dominions. I tell you, pahson, dat was shore a... RACE PRIDE
Sam Jones, the evangelist, was leading a revival meeting in Huntsville, Texas, a number of years ago, and at the close of one of the services an old negro woman pushed her way up through the crowd to the edge of the pulpit platform. Sam took the p... RACE SUICIDE
"Prisoner, why did you assault this landlord?" "Your Honor, because I have several children he refused to rent me a flat." "Well, that is his privilege." "But, your Honor, he calls his apartment house 'The Roosevelt.'" ... RACES
In answer to the question, "What are the five great races of mankind?" a Chinese student replied, "The 100 yards, the hurdles, the quartermile, the mile, and the three miles." "Now, Thomas," said the foreman of the construction gang to a green... RAILROADS
"Talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin'," said Brother Dickey, "des look at de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de state, ter dem folks 'way up North what never done nuthin' ter deserve sich a dispensation!" On one of the southe... RAPID TRANSIT
One cold, wintry morning a man of tall and angular build was walking down a steep hill at a quick pace. A treacherous piece of ice under the snow caused him to lose control of his feet; he began to slide and was unable to stop. At a cross-stree... READING
_See_ Books and Reading. ... REAL ESTATE AGENTS
Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little fib." ANITA--"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the same as a lie." NELLY--"No, it is not." ANITA--"Yes, it is, because my father said so, and my father is a professor at t... REALISM
The storekeeper at Yount, Idaho, tells the following tale of Ole Olson, who later became the little town's mayor. "One night, just before closin' up time, Ole, hatless, coatless, and breathless, come rushin' into the store, an' droppin' on his k... RECALL
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Johnny, what is the text from Judges?" JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum." "Senator, why don't you unpack your trunk? You'll be in Washington for six years." "I don't know about that. My state... RECOMMENDATIONS
A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling. In acquitting them the court, with great severity, said: "There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone wishes to know my opinion of you I hope that they will ... RECONCILIATIONS
"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing." "Why don't you make up?" "I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity." ... REFORMERS
LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer." JULIA--"How did he lose his money?"--_Judge_. He was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience. "I want land reform," he wound up, "I want housing reform, I want educational reform, I ...