REHEARSALS
The funeral procession was moving along the village street when Uncle
Abe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho," said Uncle
Abe, "who they buryin' today?"
"Pore old Tite Harrison," said the storekeeper.
"Sho," said Uncle Abe. "Tite Harrison, hey? Is Tite dead?"
"You don't think we're rehearsin' with him, do you?" snapped the
storekeeper.
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RACE PREJUDICES
A negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion by the recital of a dream had by a member of the church. "I was a-dreamin' all dis time," said the narrator, "dat I was in ole Satan's dominions. I tell you, pahson, dat was shore a... RACE PRIDE
Sam Jones, the evangelist, was leading a revival meeting in Huntsville, Texas, a number of years ago, and at the close of one of the services an old negro woman pushed her way up through the crowd to the edge of the pulpit platform. Sam took the p... RACE SUICIDE
"Prisoner, why did you assault this landlord?" "Your Honor, because I have several children he refused to rent me a flat." "Well, that is his privilege." "But, your Honor, he calls his apartment house 'The Roosevelt.'" ... RACES
In answer to the question, "What are the five great races of mankind?" a Chinese student replied, "The 100 yards, the hurdles, the quartermile, the mile, and the three miles." "Now, Thomas," said the foreman of the construction gang to a green... RAILROADS
"Talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin'," said Brother Dickey, "des look at de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de state, ter dem folks 'way up North what never done nuthin' ter deserve sich a dispensation!" On one of the southe... RAPID TRANSIT
One cold, wintry morning a man of tall and angular build was walking down a steep hill at a quick pace. A treacherous piece of ice under the snow caused him to lose control of his feet; he began to slide and was unable to stop. At a cross-stree... READING
_See_ Books and Reading. ... REAL ESTATE AGENTS
Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little fib." ANITA--"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the same as a lie." NELLY--"No, it is not." ANITA--"Yes, it is, because my father said so, and my father is a professor at t... REALISM
The storekeeper at Yount, Idaho, tells the following tale of Ole Olson, who later became the little town's mayor. "One night, just before closin' up time, Ole, hatless, coatless, and breathless, come rushin' into the store, an' droppin' on his k... RECALL
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Johnny, what is the text from Judges?" JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum." "Senator, why don't you unpack your trunk? You'll be in Washington for six years." "I don't know about that. My state... RECOMMENDATIONS
A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling. In acquitting them the court, with great severity, said: "There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone wishes to know my opinion of you I hope that they will ... RECONCILIATIONS
"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing." "Why don't you make up?" "I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity." ... REFORMERS
LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer." JULIA--"How did he lose his money?"--_Judge_. He was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience. "I want land reform," he wound up, "I want housing reform, I want educational reform, I ... REGRETS
A Newport man who was invited to a house party at Bar Harbor, telegraphed to the hostess: "Regret I can't come. Lie follows by post." After the death of Lord Houghton, there was found in his correspondence the following reply to a dinner invit... REHEARSALS
The funeral procession was moving along the village street when Uncle Abe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho," said Uncle Abe, "who they buryin' today?" "Pore old Tite Harrison," said the storekeeper. "Sho," said Uncle Abe... RELATIVES
"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose one's relatives." "Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is impossible!" ... RELIGIONS
When Bishop Phillips Brooks sailed from America on his last trip to Europe, a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might discover some new religion to bring home with him. "But be careful of it, Bishop Brooks," remarked a listening friend... REMEDIES
MISTRESS--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?" MAID--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!" SUFFERER--"I have a terrible toothache and want something to cure it." FRIEND--"Now, you don't need any medicine. I had a ... REMINDERS
The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast: "Will you post this letter for me, dear? It's to the furrier, countermanding my order for that $900 sable and ermine stole. You'll be sure to remember?" The tired eyes of the harassed, sha... REPARTEE
Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the next morning. Among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was an Irishman who claimed to be very good at figures. The boss, thinking that he would get ahead of Pat,... REPORTING
_See_ Journalism; Newspapers. ... REPUBLICAN PARTY
The morning after a banquet, during the Democratic convention in Baltimore, a prominent Republican thus greeted an equally well-known Democrat: "I understand there were some Republicans at the banquet last night." "Oh, yes," said the Democrat... REPUTATION
Popularity is when people like you; and reputation is when they ought to, but really can't.--_Frank Richardson_. ... RESEMBLANCES
Senator Blackburn is a thorough Kentuckian, and has all the local pride of one born in the blue-grass section of his State. He also has the prejudice against being taken for an Indianian which seems inherent in all native-born Kentuckians. While c... RESIGNATION
"Then you don't think I practice what I preach, eh?" queried the minister in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting. "No, sir, I don't," replied the deacon "You've been preachin' on the subject of resignation for two years an' ye haven't r... RESPECTABILITY
"Is he respectable?"' "Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than stealing a railroad."--_Wasp_. ... REST CURE
A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and with a pair of shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back door in Wyoming and asked for light housework. She said that her name was Lizzie, and explained that she had been ill wi... RETALIATION
You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that's always comin' up and thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin', 'How are ye?'" "I know him." "I'll bet he's smashed twinty cigars for me--some of them clear Havanny--but I'll get even with him n...