REST CURE
A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and with a pair
of shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back door in Wyoming
and asked for light housework. She said that her name was Lizzie, and
explained that she had been ill with typhoid and was convalescing.
"Where did you come from, Lizzie?" inquired the woman of the house.
"Where have you been?"
"I've been workin' out on Howell's ranch," replied Lizzie, "diggin'
post-holes while I was gittin' my strength back."
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RECOMMENDATIONS
A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling. In acquitting them the court, with great severity, said: "There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone wishes to know my opinion of you I hope that they will ... RECONCILIATIONS
"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing." "Why don't you make up?" "I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity." ... REFORMERS
LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer." JULIA--"How did he lose his money?"--_Judge_. He was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience. "I want land reform," he wound up, "I want housing reform, I want educational reform, I ... REGRETS
A Newport man who was invited to a house party at Bar Harbor, telegraphed to the hostess: "Regret I can't come. Lie follows by post." After the death of Lord Houghton, there was found in his correspondence the following reply to a dinner invit... REHEARSALS
The funeral procession was moving along the village street when Uncle Abe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho," said Uncle Abe, "who they buryin' today?" "Pore old Tite Harrison," said the storekeeper. "Sho," said Uncle Abe... RELATIVES
"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose one's relatives." "Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is impossible!" ... RELIGIONS
When Bishop Phillips Brooks sailed from America on his last trip to Europe, a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might discover some new religion to bring home with him. "But be careful of it, Bishop Brooks," remarked a listening friend... REMEDIES
MISTRESS--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?" MAID--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!" SUFFERER--"I have a terrible toothache and want something to cure it." FRIEND--"Now, you don't need any medicine. I had a ... REMINDERS
The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast: "Will you post this letter for me, dear? It's to the furrier, countermanding my order for that $900 sable and ermine stole. You'll be sure to remember?" The tired eyes of the harassed, sha... REPARTEE
Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the next morning. Among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was an Irishman who claimed to be very good at figures. The boss, thinking that he would get ahead of Pat,... REPORTING
_See_ Journalism; Newspapers. ... REPUBLICAN PARTY
The morning after a banquet, during the Democratic convention in Baltimore, a prominent Republican thus greeted an equally well-known Democrat: "I understand there were some Republicans at the banquet last night." "Oh, yes," said the Democrat... REPUTATION
Popularity is when people like you; and reputation is when they ought to, but really can't.--_Frank Richardson_. ... RESEMBLANCES
Senator Blackburn is a thorough Kentuckian, and has all the local pride of one born in the blue-grass section of his State. He also has the prejudice against being taken for an Indianian which seems inherent in all native-born Kentuckians. While c... RESIGNATION
"Then you don't think I practice what I preach, eh?" queried the minister in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting. "No, sir, I don't," replied the deacon "You've been preachin' on the subject of resignation for two years an' ye haven't r... RESPECTABILITY
"Is he respectable?"' "Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than stealing a railroad."--_Wasp_. ... REST CURE
A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and with a pair of shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back door in Wyoming and asked for light housework. She said that her name was Lizzie, and explained that she had been ill wi... RETALIATION
You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that's always comin' up and thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin', 'How are ye?'" "I know him." "I'll bet he's smashed twinty cigars for me--some of them clear Havanny--but I'll get even with him n... REVOLUTIONS
Haiti was in the midst of a revolution. As a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so that a third was about to be caught between them. The commander of the third party saw the predicament. On the right government troops, o... REWARDS
Said a great Congregational preacher To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature." And the hen, just for that, Laid an egg in his hat, And thus did the Hen reward Beecher. ... RHEUMATISM
FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's going to rain, ye know." MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never heard o' such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye th' rheumatis for?"--_Ti... ROADS
A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an Englishman, and the latter complained of the mud in America. "Yes," said the American, "but it's nothing to the mud over here." "Nonsense!" said the Englishman. "Fact," the American r... ROASTS
As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham hotel he was much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole of the meal, stood with his back to the fire warming himself and watching Faversham eat. At length, unable to endure i... ROOSEVELT, THEODORE
A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster Bay some years ago, while he was president. The host met them with coat and collar off, mopping his brow. "Ah, gentlemen," he said, "dee-lighted to see you. Dee-lighted. But I'm very... SALARIES
A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank. The teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, saying, "I hope you're not afraid of microbes." "Not a bit of it," the schoolma'am replied. "I'm sure no microbe cou... SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP
A darky fruit-dealer in Georgia has a sign above his wares that reads: Watermelons Our choice 25 cents. Your choice 35 cents. --_Elgin Burroughs_. The quick wit of a traveling salesman who has since become a well-known... SALOONS
"Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man who landed at a little town in the oil region of Oklahoma, of the 'bus driver. "See that millinery shop over there?" asked the driver, pointing to a building near the depot. "You d... SALVATION
WILLIS--"Some of these rich fellows seem to think that they can buy their way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a church when they die." GILLIS--"I don't know but that they stand as much chance as some of these other rich fellows who ... SAVING
Take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by your heirs.--_Puck_. "Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?" "Oh, no! I never shop when it rains." JOHNNY--"Papa, would you be glad if I saved a dollar for you?" PAPA... SCANDAL
An ill wind that blows nobody good. ... SCHOLARSHIP
There is in Washington an old "grouch' whose son was graduated from Yale. When the young man came home at the end of his first term, he exulted in the fact that he stood next to the head of his class. But the old gentleman was not satisfied. "_... SCHOOLS
"Mamma," complained little Elsie, "I don't feel very well." "That's too bad, dear," said mother sympathetically. "Where do you feel worst?" "In school, mamma." ...