STOCK BROKERS
A grain broker in New Boston, Maine,
Said, "That market gives me a pain;
I can hardly bear it,
To bull--I don't dare it,
For it's going against the grain."
--_Minnesota Minne-Ha-Ha_.
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SOUVENIRS
"A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped for a drink of milk at a white cottage with a thatched roof, and, as he sipped his refreshment, he noted, on a center table under a glass dome, a brick with a faded rose upon the top of it. "'Why... SPECULATION
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.--_Mark Twain_. ... SPEED
"I always said old Cornelius Husk was slow," said one Quag man to another. "Why, what's he been doin' now?" the other asked. "Got himself run over by a hearse!" "So you heard the bullet whiz past you?" asked the lawyer of the darky. "Y... SPINSTERS
"Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the congregation for a relative or friend?" asks the minister. "I do," says the angular lady arising from the rear pew. "I want the congregation to pray for my husband." "Why, sister Abigail!... SPITE
Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more aggraviting than if you spoke right out at once. A man had for years employed a steady German workman. One day Jake came to him and asked to be excused from work the ... SPRING
In the spring the housemaid's fancy Lightly turns from pot and pan To the greater necromancy Of a young unmarried man. You can hold her through the winter, And she'll work around and sing, But it's just as good as certain ... STAMMERING
One of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying those about him. "Don't you like the show?" "Yes, indeed!" "Then why do you persist in hissing the performers?" "Why, m-man alive, I w-was-n't h-hissing! I w-was s-s-im-ply ... STATESMEN
A statesman is a deal politician.--_Mr. Dooley_. A statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going, then jumps in front and yells like blazes. ... STATISTICS
An earnest preacher in Georgia, who has a custom of telling the Lord all the news in his prayers, recently began a petition for help against the progress of wickedness in his town, with the statement: "Oh, Thou great Jehovah, crime is on the inc... STEAK
"Can I get a steak here and catch the one o'clock train?" "It depends on your teeth, sir." ... STEAM
"Can you tell what steam is?" asked the examiner. "Why, sure, sir," replied Patrick confidently. "Steam is--Why--er--it's wather thos's gone crazy wid the heat." ... STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS
"That new steamer they're building is a whopper," says the man with the shoe button nose. "Yes," agrees the man with the recalcitrant hair, "but my uncle is going to build one so long that when a passenger gets seasick in one end of it he can g... STENOGRAPHERS
A beautiful statuesque blond had left New York to act as stenographer to a dignified Philadelphian of Quaker descent. On the morning of her first appearance she went straight to the desk of her employer. "I presume," she remarked, "that you begi... STOCK BROKERS
A grain broker in New Boston, Maine, Said, "That market gives me a pain; I can hardly bear it, To bull--I don't dare it, For it's going against the grain." --_Minnesota Minne-Ha-Ha_. ... STRATEGY
A bird dog belonging to a man in Mulvane disappeared last week. The owner put this "ad" in the paper and insisted that it be printed exactly as he wrote it: LOST OR RUN AWAY--One livver culered burd dog called Jim. Will show signs of hyderfobby... SUBWAYS
Any one who has ever traveled on the New York subway in rush hours can easily appreciate the following: A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought of pickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some money in h... SUCCESS
Nothing succeeds like excess.--_Life_. Nothing succeeds like looking successful.--_Henriette Corkland_. Success in life often consists in knowing just when to disagree with one's employer. A New Orleans lawyer was asked to address the... SUFFRAGETTES
When a married woman goes out to look after her rights, her husband is usually left at home to look after his wrongs.--_Child Harold_. "'Ullo, Bill, 'ow's things with yer?" "Lookin' up, Tom, lookin' up." "Igh cost o' livin' not 'ittin' ye... SUICIDE
The Chinese Consul at San Francisco, at a recent dinner, discussed his country's customs. "There is one custom," said a young girl, "that I can't understand--and that is the Chinese custom of committing suicide by eating gold-leaf. I can't unde... SUMMER RESORTS
GABE--"What are you going back to that place for this summer? Why, last year it was all mosquitoes and no fishing." STEVE--"The owner tells me that he has crossed the mosquitoes with the fish, and guarantees a bite every second." "I suppose... SUNDAY
Albert was a solemn-eyed, spiritual-looking child. "Nurse," he said one day, leaving his blocks and laying his hand on her knee, "nurse, is this God's day?" "No, dear," said the nurse, "this is not Sunday; it is Thursday." "I'm so sorry," he ... SUNDAY SCHOOLS
"Now, Willie," said the superintendent's little boy, addressing the blacksmith's little boy, who had come over for a frolic, "we'll play 'Sabbath School.' You give me a nickel every Sunday for six months, and then at Christmas I'll give you a ten-... SUPERSTITION
Superstition is a premature explanation overstaying its time.--_George Iles_. ... SURPRISE
"Where are you goin', ma?" asked the youngest of five children. "I'm going to a surprise party, my dear," answered the mother. "Are we all goin', too?" "No, dear. You weren't invited." After a few moments' deep thought: "Say, ma, then ... SWIMMERS
Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging about their ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man got up a match. The man who swam the longest distance was to receive $5. The Alabama Whale immediately stripped on the... SYMPATHY
A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't cost anything. Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed by a man much the worse for liquor, who presently staggered along the car between two rows of well-dres...